Everything is going to be okay

I think a really positive thing about going home this time was coming to the realization that my family will never be able to support me in the way that I crave. I have to take the initiative. If I need to buy food, I can’t just sit around an wait for my mom to suggest it, I have to step up to the plate (no pun intended) and ask for her to take me.

My recovery is mine. Not my mom’s, not my siblings, not my friends. If I need support, I have to ask for it. I also can’t just sit around waiting for them to give me that support. I still need to make the daily decisions to do what my body needs.

I don’t know that making the right choice will ever be easier, but it is a choice and if I want to recover I have to CHOOSE recovery EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

*Also as a side note: trying to be optimistic and focus on the positive, as opposed to dwelling on the negatives, really does make a huge difference. No it doesn’t negate the fact that there are still deeper struggles that I need to face, but going into it with a an attitude of “I can do this!” sure makes it a hell of a lot easier.

Huge sigh of relief

I'm at home for spring break right now and I've been here since Friday evening. So far my time at home has been so much better than it has been the last few times. Yes its still stressful, and yes I'm still isolating. But I've made sure that things would be different. For instance, the first day home I told my mom right away that she would need to take me to the grocery store the next day. In the past I've always waited for her to bring it up, by which point I would have already been hungry and unable to make rational decisions.

The anxiety of shopping is really hard though. I spent 2 hrs in whole foods trying to figure out what I needed and what I wanted, and still left somewhat unsatisfied with my purchases. But i tried not to stress too much over it because we have a local natural market just a few miles from my home which I can go to if I needed anything.

Its still extremely difficult making food with everyone around. I don't know why, but I can't be seen with any sort of food or condiment or utensil at all. It doesn't make any sense at all. So when I need to get "my food" I have to pace around the bottom of the stairs until the kitchen is clear, and then make my way out to the garage to get "my food". Forget using the microwave or the stove if anyone is home. And if I forget a fork, run downstairs and hide it in my pants. Its so irrational and I don't understand why I feel the need to do these things, but any other way is just wrong.

But anyways, I think what's different about this stay at home is that despite the difficulties surrounding food and all that, I'm making it work. I'm not letting myself be in a position where I don't have what I need. Another reason that may have contributed to this week being easier is that I started out on a positive note, the huge sigh of relief....

A major weight that I had been carrying this semester is that I really don't think I want to stay in Texas after I complete my associates mid summer. I'm lonely and depressed, and while school is going well this is just really not working for me. Not to mention, I'm not sure that dietetics is a good idea for me. I still want to be a dietician, but I don't think its a degree that I can pursue until I get over my own issues. But I have been dreading bringing it up to my parents because I was afraid they would be so pissed off at me, like this would ruin around entire plans and their money would have gone to waste, etc.

Anyways, the second day home my parents came in and talked to me about my plans and such. They asked me what my plans were this summer after I completed my associates and after my lease was up. So I told them that I didn't think I could stay in Texas, and I gave them a few reasons. And surprisingly they were very cool with that. Like they weren't mad at all! So as of now, the plan is to come back home this summer and get a job while I reassess what I want to do with my life. I mean long term I still want to get my bachelors, but the good thing is that they don't EXPECT it out of me - they want me to do what I want to do.