A fun weekend

I don't normally post about my social life. Mainly because, well, I don't have one. But this weekend was pretty full of activity and fun. Pretty rare for me.

It started out Thursday night. My old roommate, Nadiya, and I went to DC 101's holiday concert at Eagle Bank Arena. There were five bands that played, but the main two that I enjoyed were the struts and fall out boy. I'm not hugely into music, and never really sing along to the songs. But I love going to events like this mainly because I LOVE getting dressed up and going all out. Which I did. That's my favorite part of going to events or parties is getting dressed up. I definitely had the goth/hardcore thing going. Which was pretty fun, because I'm typically all pink, glitter, and unicorns.

The next morning (Friday), I woke up bright and early (well, it was actually kind of dark) for my flight to Boston to visit my brother (and a pretty sweet grad school). My brother picked me up from the airport and drove me back to his place. He had some stuff he had to get done, so he headed out, and I pretty much napped all day. Which was much needed after only getting maybe 2-3 hours of sleep the night before.

On flight to Boston - notice my eyeliner from the previous night is still remaining

My brother got home later in the evening, and I hung out with him and his roommate. We walked to the liquor store to get some beer and wine, and had some drinks at home while we chilled out and ate some local pizza (something I wouldn't have eaten a few months ago, because I can only guess the number of calories in it).

The next morning was another early morning. My brother drove me to Wheelock College, which is a college primarily focused on education and early childhood development, with roughly 1200 student. And only 400 of them are grad students. I went there for the open house, and went on a quick tour of the campus (which was pretty tiny). I absolutely fell in love with the school. Apparently it's the first school with a Child Life Master's program, and the top one in the country. They only admit up to 12 students into the program, so it's pretty freaking competitive (but so is Towson). I just loved the supportive atmosphere of it, the way the class is small and set up as a cohort, and how they help set you up for an internship. Child Life only requires that you have 480 hours for your internship, but they set you up with two internships - one 400 hour internship in a hospital setting, and one 200 hour internship in a more narrow clinical setting. Which puts you high up there for employee seekers. I also like how all the major hospitals are literally right down the street from Wheelock, and how Wheelock is literally right on the green line which makes it an easy transit. Like I said, I fell in love with this school.

After my brother brought me home, him and his roommate and I walked to The Red Lentil - a pretty awesome vegetarian restaurant right down the street from his apartment. As much as food causes me so much anxiety and chaos in my mind, I love trying out new restaurants. Especially veg ones where you can only find in specific locations. I loved the food. I got the vegan pumpkin bisque, and a butternut squash and artichoke quesadilla with vegan cheese.





After lunch we came back to Josh's place, and I slept some more (you'd think I was an old lady!). Then I took the bus into Boston to visit a friend in Harvard Square. I had so much fun hanging out with her and just chatting. Most of our conversation had nothing to do with our eating disorders, which was really refreshing because I feel like most of my relationships center around our eating disorders. And it was cool that we could have fun and enjoy each other's company WITHOUT shit talking treatment centers and talking about how fucked up we are. Along with many other stores, we spent a ton of time at Newbury Comics, which had hardly any comics, but a TON of unicorn stuff. I went crazy. I don't actually have money to spend, but oops. I kind of went a little crazy in there. I'm not going to tell you how much damage I did, but let's just say it's been a while since I've spent that much money on myself (or any money at all, really). I went insane buying unicorn pins, magnets, socks, gloves, and the most amazing unicorn ugly Christmas sweater I've ever seen. I wasn't going to buy it at first, because money, but after I checked out with my pins galore, I KNEW I'd regret it if I didn't buy it. So I got back in line and purchased it. I'm not regretting the hole in my pocket at all. Anyways, I had a blast hanging out with my friend and I'm so glad we were able to meet up. We spent about 3-4 hours just walking around Harvard Square and checking out shops and chatting, and totally lost track of time.

The most amazing ugly Christmas sweater EVER

I didn't get much sleep last night, maybe an hour. I had trouble sleeping. So after I flew back home this morning, I spent most of the day sleeping. I had a really good weekend, but I struggled a lot with food today. You'd think my passion for Child Life, and my love for Wheelock in all of it's competitiveness would have motivated me for recovery. After all, I KNOW I can't be successful if I'm in my ED. And after a rough semester this Fall, I really need to do well in the Spring to pull my GPA back up (it was pretty good, but I'm pretty worried with this semester being so bad). But I kind of left Boston feeling kind of discouraged and more pulled to my eating disorder. Child Life is what I want to do, but it's competitive, and I'm nothing special when it comes to academics. Sure, I have a lot of volunteer hours and a lot of experience with kids, but I'm not confident that any of that will make me stand out. If I don't get into grad school, then what?

Unicorns and my Recovery

Had to...

Most people who know me, know my obsession with unicorns. It's pretty real. But I've always kind of thought of my obsession with unicorns as almost like a metaphor for my eating disorder. I know that sounds really odd, but I'll explain.

My obsession with unicorns began around the age of 17. A little bit after the time that Jesse died. I think it was a way for me to take my mind off of the tough things in life and channel it into something else. I was also struggling with my ED at this time, but unicorns was another outlet, something that brought joy, something that I could focus all my attention on, something that I could use to relate to other people. For instance, I remember buying these awesome unicorn converse (which I no longer own :(. ), and it being the cool thing that I'd go around sharing with my cousins. "Look at these awesome shoes." And I'd get validation, that they were in fact pretty awesome.

Like my eating disorder, my unicorn obsession filled a void. It also served many purposes similar to my eating disorder. For one, it gives me an identity. Everyone on social media (facebook, tumblr, instagram, etc.) and real life knows me as the unicorn obsessed girl. People are constantly posting unicorn pics, quotes, things to buy, etc., on my facebook wall. I'm known for being obsessed with unicorns by others, but also by myself. I KNOW I'm the unique one with the unicorn obsession.

Along with that, it's something that's MINE. I'm the unicorn obsessed. I get defensive and dominate over it. If someone else expresses interest in unicorns, I immediately get angry, because unicorns is my thing. I have control over it. And I feel like if someone else gets excited over unicorns, they're taking something important away from me. People know me for my obsession, and they know it's mine.

Like my eating disorder, it's also something that controls my thoughts, but in a more positive way. I'm constantly thinking about unicorns (when I'm not in my eating disorder). I could spend hours (I have) looking up unicorn paraphernalia online. I have an entire unicorn board on Pinterest. It's something I can use to take my mind off of the things that I don't want to think about.

But unlike my eating disorder, it brings something else. It brings me passion, and joy. It keeps me lighthearted. It adds fun to my life. I enjoy thinking about unicorns, and posting my cool new unicorn gear, and bragging about how much unicorn stuff I have. It keeps me connected to people, because it gives us something to talk about. Unicorns was kind of a hot topic in my old house.

So how does this all relate to my recovery? I think it serves the purpose that I can find other ways to have an identity outside of my eating disorder, unicorns being a big one. I can focus on my obsession with unicorns as something that's mine, instead of feeling possessive of my eating disorder. It's something I can rear my mind to when I want to avoid the tough feelings (which I do have to deal with eventually). It can keep me connected to people. And it can feed my happiness and help me to not dwell on the unpleasant things in life.

Re-welcome to my blog

It's been such a long time since I posted on this blog, that I completely forgot it existed. I don't expect anyone to read my old posts (they're not very interesting), but it's interesting to look back and see how unreal I was on my blog. I compare my posts from my tumblr around that time to my posts on here, and I was so deep in my ED at that time.
But regardless, this is about how I am now, not then. I'm sure if you're reading my blog you already know a little bit about me. I have not decided quite yet how I'm going to use this blog. Yes, my eating disorder is still a bit of a struggle for me (much different now than a few years ago, thank goodness), but I don't want this to be all about my eating disorder. Because I'm much more than that, right?
When I blog, it tends to be emotionally driven. But I want to steer away from that and be just real and vulnerable on here. There's not a lot I won't share about myself, but there are also some things that I'm not going to share on here. I want this blog to include the good, and the bad. I have a couple ideas for blog posts, but I also want feedback from you. I want my blog to be interactive. Right now I'm just experimenting with this, but we will see where it takes me.
One thing I want to be on my blog is open and vulnerable. We all have a lot of shit that goes on in our heads, and we deal with it in different ways, but I have found that being more open about my struggles has helped me move forward in my recovery, because nothing is a secret. And I want to encourage you to be vulnerable with me in your feedback.
So enough about what my blog is going to be about. I'll do a super quick intro for those who might just be coming across my blog. Hi, I'm Sarah. I'm 25, and yes I'm still in college. But I'm due to graduate in December with a bachelor's degree in Family Science. My hope is to go to Towson next Fall and o into their graduate program for Child Life Specialists, and become a Child Life Specialist that works in a hospital setting with children and their families. On top of a full load of classes, I volunteer about 4 days a week under the supervision of a Child Life Specialist, and also do a lot of overnight babysitting.
Some interesting or unique things about me.... Anyone who knows me knows I'm super obsessed with unicorns. Like it is crazy, and ridiculous, and if there's a unicorn I will go crazy about it. I also love pink and glitter and really girly things. But at the same time I love rough housing and playing in mud. Coffee is addictive and I could drink it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (although, I don't think that would meet my exchanges). I'm a vegetarian for animal rights reasons, and I love animals more than anything. I'm also one of 10 kids, the second oldest. Being in a big family IS challenging, but I love my family more than anything, and could not have asked for a better family.
So there you go. There's my intro post. Feel free to do the whole comment thing, subscribe, give feedback, etc. More posts to come soon.