Why so scary?

I'm so scared of recovery. I'm resisting it. I crave my illness. It keeps me safe. It's so miserable,bbut comforting at the same time. I'm afraid to let go. I crave sickness. I crave death. I want to be happy, but this is what I know. I'm terrified of doing the right thing, and I don't even know what the right thing is. I don't want to go back to treatment, but recovery seems so far fetched. Like I'm not doing terrible. I'm straddling the line. One foot in, one foot out. Even if I truly wanted to recover, like 100%, I don't think I could. I'm so conflicted because I want a life, but I'm scared of not having one. I feel so inadequate. I'm such a worthless person. And I know I'm not supposed to say that, but that's how I feel. I don't value myself, I wish I could, but I can't. I don't care about being beautiful, and my fear of gaining weight isn't because I don't want to be fat, but because that's letting my illness slip away. Part of me regrets going back to therapy, going to treatment, admitting to this dumb program that I'm going to tonight. im supposed to want to be in the program to go be in it, but I don't know if I do. I'm doing it because I need support, but why do I need support if I don't want to move forward. I feel so guilty for being a bad person, and not wanting recovery. I've done so much work, and I've proved to myself that I can do things that I never thought I could do. But I'm scared of where I am. I'm "healthy," but I'm not. I'm just not sick. My mind is sick, but I'm not. It's so fucked up, I feel so alone. I'm having a hard time dealing with my emotions, and being sick gives me an excuse to have a fucked up mind. I'm sorry I'm cussing, I'm supposed to be a Christian, but I suck at that. I'm scared to go to program tonight. That's a step forward, a step into forbidden territory. I've done treatment before, and I've wanted it before, but I don't right now. I just want to do all the things that kill my body - I'm tormenting myself, and I'm doing it on purpose. Not sleeping, not eating enough, smoking too much, drinking, OD'ing on shit that fucks with my heart and liver, using too much caffeine, over exercising when I have time. Why do I do this to myself? I hate that I hate myself so much that I can't respect my body. I'm a hypocrite. I preach recovery and inspiration, but I'm not living it. I don't want to live it. I just want to stay out of a higher level of care.

1 comment:

  1. Good luck at the treatment tonight, you can do it! Recovery can be scary when you think of it as a sprint. When you see this perfect, idealized, "recovered" you off gleaming on the horizon it can be terrifying because they seem so different from the wonderful person that you are today.

    Your recovery is a marathon though. It is a means, not an ends. A journey not a destination. You are going to struggle, and you are going to fall. Each day you will get better, you will be stronger.

    Look back today after going to the dinner, and be proud of yourself.