Hey guys, sorry I've been absent for such a long time. I've thought about posting, but I just don't have anything interesting to say. I'm going to just go ahead and fill you in on how I am feeling, but I just want to warn you in advance that it is very pessimistic.
Anyways, to be honest I'm not really sure how I am feeling. Like I will go to school and interact with people in classes. Like I actually have a few people where I can joke around with and talk about stuff (not like serious stuff or anything). When I'm at school I honestly think I'm happy. Like my mood is somewhat energetic, I'm not isolated, etc. When I'm there I almost completely forget about how intense my depression is when I get back to my apartment.
But that's just it, as soon as I am out of the school environment it hits me like a god damn truck. Sometimes its in my car, other times it waits until I'm in my room alone. But I just curl up in a ball and can't stop crying. I can't get anything done at home, I can't think or do homework or clean my room or anything. I feel suicidal and all I can think about is how much I hate myself and how much I can't stand to live like this any longer. I don't want to die, I know rationally that death cannot be the option. But when I'm here in my apartment, it is like my mindset is completely reversed and death is the only option.
I really don't understand how I can go from feeling great to being so miserable in a day, and this is every single day. I really just don't understand it. I can't be depressed can I? I mean, if I were depressed I would be miserable at school too. But I've never felt such intense depression and hopelessness in my life.
To top it off, my binging is just way out of hand. I hate how I can't find a balance with food, its either restricting or binging/purging. I try to do the right thing for my body and give it what it needs, and then I end up just binging on everything I can find. The other day I had to break things up and throw it away just so I wouldn't continue eating it, but then the next morning I dug it out of the trash can and ate it. That's fucking foul. The only thing now is that I'm not purging, I am not allowing that to be an option anymore. Don't get me wrong, I WANT to purge so bad. Its not even about ridding myself of the calories anymore, its just comforting... its such a relief to be able to purge, and I don't mean that physically. The ONE thing stopping me is my teeth. Basically they're pretty much destroyed, I can't do anything about that. My dentist said that at the rate my teeth are going, there's a good chance I'm going to have to wear dentures in the next couple of years, and all I can do now is to stop vomiting to slow down the process. Sometimes I think I would rather jusr have the dentures, that ways its done and over with, and I can go back to purging.
I'm really sorry, that was horrible.
In regard to food, I feel like my only option now is restricting again. Going back to my safe foods, the ones I was eating over the summer, is the only way I know how to guarantee I won't binge. I know that shouldn't be an option at all, but what else do I do? Accept the binging? That's not healthy either. I really don't know. This food thing is so confusing to me. You'd think by now I would have that part figured out, like knowing what to do but just choosing not to do it. But no, I really don't know what to do with food.
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I'm going home for spring break in 9 days, and I am so scared to go now. I have definitely put on weight in the last 8 weeks. My clothes all fit differently or are too small. I almost weigh as much as I did when I moved to Texas. I feel like the moment my parents see me in the airport they're going to think "wow, she's really let herself go. I guess she got over that whole eating disorder thing." I'm afraid to meet up with friends because I know they're going to look at me and think I'm fat. Okay, that last sentence was a slight exaggeration, I hope they don't think I'm fat, but if their perception is anywhere as skewed as my own, they will.
I was really looking forward to meeting up with my friends when I got home, and now I don't even want to anymore. I'm afraid of what everyone is going to think when they see me.
I'm so sorry that you're feeling so down. There is absolutely nothing wrong with "going back to [your] safe foods;" in fact, it's recommended! Just don't "restrict" on those safe foods. Nourish your body with them. I wrote an article about this subject today, regarding last week's Juice Fast that didn't work because of my bulimic tendencies. Check it out, if you like. You're not alone. And I hope you feel better soon. xxx
ReplyDeleteActually in this case I have to disagree. I'm not going to list my safe foods out, but there is absolutely no way I can nourish my body with the foods that have worked for me in the past.
DeleteSarah, you never have to apologize for being negative. I always want to hear how you're doing truthfully (and even if I don't comment, I have read every one of your posts but don't always know what to say). I think at school it's easier to feel positive because you don't have time to think and be introspective, but when you're alone, it's just you and your mind and that's when it gets hard to be positive. or at least, that's been the case for me. And maybe you are depressed - depression doesn't have to be the stereotypical never-happy-for-a-moment depression; it can be a different experience for different people. I'm sorry you're struggling so much with binging, and I wish I could help you more with that, but all that I can say is that I'm here for you whenever you need to talk and I know it must be incredibly hard for you to try to give your body what it needs rather than going back to restricting and purging. Restricting isn't the only option - I really believe that eventually you can learn balance, but going back to restricting is not going to help anything. I don't know what exactly causes your binging, but maybe understanding the cause will eventually help you to be moderate with food. I'm sorry if any of this is the wrong thing to say, but I just really want to help you in any way I can <333 Even though neither restricting nor binging are healthy, I think giving into restriction would be a really bad decision (and it would put your health in more immediate danger). I know continuing to face binges cannot be easy at all, but I think that as long as you continue to not restrict, not purge, and attempt to fight your binges, you are working on all three, but going back to restricting would just be giving in. I don't know if that made sense. Sorry this is getting so long. I agree that you need more than just your safe foods to nourish yourself. I'm sorry you're struggling so much and I'm sending you virtual hugs. If your parents really think that, then that just shows that they don't understand of eating disorders. And truthfully, Sarah, the last time we met up, I was thinking that you and Emily would think that of me (and I certainly didn't think that about you!). I would never think that way about you - when you are/were healthy, I simply didn't notice how you looked, and I certainly didn't think that that meant you were in any way better. I would never think any differently of you because of your weight, I promise. If you want to talk, call me? I miss you <33333333
ReplyDeleteLove, Laura
Thank you Laura, I always love hearing your feedback. And you're right, restridting would be a very bad idea, it would be handing control over to my eating disorder rather than fighting it. I just wish I knew how to make the binges stop, but still be able to take care of myself. And i don't know that my parents would think that, but regardless of what they think, I feel like they'd think that. Don't know if that last statement made sense. Anyways, I miss you too. And just for the record, I don't/didn't even notice how you look either, I just see "Laura," and the way you look wouldn't even occur to me (unless you died your hair bright pink.... then I might notice something). But thanks again for replying, you actually do say exactly what I need to hear and this was very helpful.
DeleteI'm sorry you're sad Sarah. I know what you're saying. I think the binging is a recovery stage. We're proving to our bodies that we're not going to starve them again. I know how awful losing control feels...It's awesome that you're not purging. I'm learning that each time we restrict, there is an equal binge to follow. The cycle just keeps going. We know this.
ReplyDeleteI agree with Laura. She sounds like a great friend. Thinking of you.
Thank you. I agree with you, restricting definitely does trigger a cycle of starve, Bing. The thing that worries me though is that I struggled with binging before I developed anorexia or bulima. Bulima was my way to protect myself from the binges, and anorexia was my way of protecting myself from the bulima. I don't know if that made any sense. It scares me that I'll never be able to get past all this food drama.
DeleteSarah--It's ok that this post is less than positive it is good for you (and your mental health) to get the feelings out and not contain them in a toxic way inside.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry to hear that you have some fear of going home. I hope that you will be able to explain to your parents how you feel and some of what is going on inside. I am sure that they will love you no matter what your weight is and that all they really want from you is to be healthy and happy.
Please continue to keep us updated and no that you are not alone and that if you need someone and you can't find anyone I will be glad to be there for you (jacobs.rachel04@gmail.com).
Thank you very much Rachel, I appreciate that. =)
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