Hey guys, sorry I've been absent for such a long time. I've thought about posting, but I just don't have anything interesting to say. I'm going to just go ahead and fill you in on how I am feeling, but I just want to warn you in advance that it is very pessimistic.
Anyways, to be honest I'm not really sure how I am feeling. Like I will go to school and interact with people in classes. Like I actually have a few people where I can joke around with and talk about stuff (not like serious stuff or anything). When I'm at school I honestly think I'm happy. Like my mood is somewhat energetic, I'm not isolated, etc. When I'm there I almost completely forget about how intense my depression is when I get back to my apartment.
But that's just it, as soon as I am out of the school environment it hits me like a god damn truck. Sometimes its in my car, other times it waits until I'm in my room alone. But I just curl up in a ball and can't stop crying. I can't get anything done at home, I can't think or do homework or clean my room or anything. I feel suicidal and all I can think about is how much I hate myself and how much I can't stand to live like this any longer. I don't want to die, I know rationally that death cannot be the option. But when I'm here in my apartment, it is like my mindset is completely reversed and death is the only option.
I really don't understand how I can go from feeling great to being so miserable in a day, and this is every single day. I really just don't understand it. I can't be depressed can I? I mean, if I were depressed I would be miserable at school too. But I've never felt such intense depression and hopelessness in my life.
To top it off, my binging is just way out of hand. I hate how I can't find a balance with food, its either restricting or binging/purging. I try to do the right thing for my body and give it what it needs, and then I end up just binging on everything I can find. The other day I had to break things up and throw it away just so I wouldn't continue eating it, but then the next morning I dug it out of the trash can and ate it. That's fucking foul. The only thing now is that I'm not purging, I am not allowing that to be an option anymore. Don't get me wrong, I WANT to purge so bad. Its not even about ridding myself of the calories anymore, its just comforting... its such a relief to be able to purge, and I don't mean that physically. The ONE thing stopping me is my teeth. Basically they're pretty much destroyed, I can't do anything about that. My dentist said that at the rate my teeth are going, there's a good chance I'm going to have to wear dentures in the next couple of years, and all I can do now is to stop vomiting to slow down the process. Sometimes I think I would rather jusr have the dentures, that ways its done and over with, and I can go back to purging.
I'm really sorry, that was horrible.
In regard to food, I feel like my only option now is restricting again. Going back to my safe foods, the ones I was eating over the summer, is the only way I know how to guarantee I won't binge. I know that shouldn't be an option at all, but what else do I do? Accept the binging? That's not healthy either. I really don't know. This food thing is so confusing to me. You'd think by now I would have that part figured out, like knowing what to do but just choosing not to do it. But no, I really don't know what to do with food.
I'm going home for spring break in 9 days, and I am so scared to go now. I have definitely put on weight in the last 8 weeks. My clothes all fit differently or are too small. I almost weigh as much as I did when I moved to Texas. I feel like the moment my parents see me in the airport they're going to think "wow, she's really let herself go. I guess she got over that whole eating disorder thing." I'm afraid to meet up with friends because I know they're going to look at me and think I'm fat. Okay, that last sentence was a slight exaggeration, I hope they don't think I'm fat, but if their perception is anywhere as skewed as my own, they will.
I was really looking forward to meeting up with my friends when I got home, and now I don't even want to anymore. I'm afraid of what everyone is going to think when they see me.