I have a social life?

I know, I just posted. But I feel like I should actually make a post about something.

I get discouraged a lot about where I am in life, and how few friends I have, and how I'm so far behind socially than most people my age. But considering where I was 2 years ago, I really can't complain. Anti-social doesn't even begin to describe what I was a few years ago. People toss around phrases of being anti-social all the time, but I doubt very few of those people actually uses it literally.

As background information, from the summer of 2012 until January of 2014 when I went to treatment in Denver, I literally lived in my room. I went to work, and went to school, but my interactions with people were very few and far in between. I NEVER would have initiated a friendship, and in the rare event I was invited to do something, I would always turn them down because being around people outside of the professional setting was SCARY. When I say I lived in my room, I mean I would come out of my room to go to work/school, would walk straight past my siblings/parents and completely ignore them, and after work/school I would come straight home and go to my room. I had a fridge and toaster oven in my room so I didn't have to come out and be around people. People talk about social anxiety casually, but I was literally afraid of talking to people, even my own family.

I'm an entirely different person now, and sometimes I lose sight of how far I've come. Yes, I still consider myself "anti-social" but not in the literal sense like I used to. I spend a lot of time by myself, but that's because I need that. But I also do things with other people, and sometimes I even initiate it. It still causes me anxiety to go to parties or social gatherings where there are people I don't know, but I do it anyways.

Lately, my social life has been emerging. I do things on weekends with people now. Last week I went to the renaissance festival with my roommate and 2 friends, and I wasn't the awkwardly silent tag-a-long that I always fear I'm going to be, but I contributed to the conversation. Yesterday I went to a festival with my roommate and a FRIEND (I have some of those now), and walked around. And then me and my roommate drove to Jiffy Lube Live for a Brad Paisley concert (and had an awesome time! At least I did).

It's weird thinking about what a different life I live now. I still struggle with depression and social anxiety, and isolating is a huge temptation. But I've found that I do enjoy being around other people (for non-extensive amounts of time), and even if it causes me anxiety, I can still do it. It blows my mind that a few years ago I felt so hopeless about ever being able to be around people, and how isolated I was. There are still people that I'm scared to be around, but I've taken steps to overcome that. This summer I went on my first vacation since 2009, which was really scary for me, but I did it. I never thought I'd do that again.

I guess as I reflect on what I just wrote, I think about the areas in my life where I feel discouraged, like I'm not where I want to be yet, or that I'm never going to overcome certain obstacles. But I never thought I'd be where I am now socially. And even though I have some more hurdles to jump in that department, I should be proud of my accomplishments.


  1. You have no idea what an inspiration you are. Seriously. I love that you're keeping a blog now and that you're willing to be vulnerable. Keep writing and keep being awesome!!!

  2. I can completely relate. I used to be so quiet. I had no friends in school barely. I didn't talk to people in school. I avoided people in the hall, or childhood friends, as I never knew what to say. I was terrified of the phone. I never knew what to say to people, so I never called practically anyone. I was always left out in school. I never initiated anything. Basically kept quiet to myself, and when I got home, I stayed in my room. Even at college, I stayed in my dorm room a lot, especially the years I had a single dorm! (also my ed was wild then). I even went to recovery meetings and never talked, shared, and jetted out right when it was over.
    I have transformed in the past 3 ish years so much! It blows my mind away! And I love it. I feel proud! I love talking! Sometimes I can be the loudest, most talkative and outgoing person! But normally I am a little quiet, but can talk to anyone. I can call people. I go out with people. I love people. I go to meetings now and talk and share openly and honestly! I am comfortable with people. I can have an hour long phone conversation. I can share with people very personal things. I can trust. I can be honest. Its pretty amazing!!!