Crisis Mitigation

It's been a long time since I've posted, and I feel like a lot has happened over the year or so that I have been absent. A lot of hopeful things and a lot of things that have left me feeling defeated. I want try to refrain from rehashing the last year unless it directly relates to what I am feeling in this moment.

Since February, I have been bouncing from treatment center, to psych ward, to treatment center, and so forth. I initially went into treatment feeling hopeful, feeling like this might be the time, this might be the LAST time I ever have to do this, this will be the time to not just learn, but to acquire the skills needed to maintain recovery. And then boom, three days into treatment I got taken by ambulance to a "Behavioral Health Unit" within a medical hospital. That was a pretty deep low for me, especially because at the time I could not recognize how bad things were. But looking back, even to just a few weeks ago, I apologize in advance for the language but I have been in a pretty fucked up place both behaviorally and emotionally.

Since then, I was forced into treatment, signed myself out against medical advance, was obligated to go into treatment again with the consequence that if I did not go I would lose my outpatient team, and then asked to leave after five weeks because the facility was ill-equipped to address my mental health concerns. And yes, they were concerns.

The most recent stint in treatment, I felt like I was well prepared to come out and "face the world." I knew from past experience that I can do treatment REALLY well, and still struggle at home. I had no doubt that this was a replication of the past. However, the difference this time is that I had received such inspiration from the small community I had become close with, that recovery could be possible. I became self-aware of the areas I needed to work on in my personal life. And most importantly, I had so much to lose. This fall will be my internship, and I can't risk ever having to go back to treatment; that would put my career at jeopardy. Because of what I had at stake, I felt like that would give me the motivation to make recovery work at home.

NEWS FLASH: Motivation isn't everything. I have written about this topic before, so I should know this. I got home and I crashed the first day. I have no doubt if I let this consume me that I will not be able to successfully make it through my internship. And I have no doubt that one small slip will really fuck up my world. But being motivated doesn't stop me from being afraid to eat all 8 starches on my meal plan.

Motivation gave me the ability to make a shopping list that contained all the exchanges I needed to meet my meal plan. Motivation helped me go to the store and put the items I needed in my cart. Motivation inspired me to label all of my foods with the product's exchanges so I would not have to go back to weighing out and measuring food that did not need to be weighed or measured, or obsessively counting calories. But motivation did not rid me of the debilitating fear of meeting my meal plan, or calm me down when I panicked and became frantic after consuming a "normal" dinner; motivation did not halt me from purging.

It's so discouraging to have the tools that seem to help others in their own recovery, to have practiced and succeeded at using them in treatment, and to come home and not be able to access them. It's discouraging to feel confident that I am prepared to do recovery outside of a facility, only to come home and crash and burn. It's discouraging to know that my passion is on the line, and to not have that stop me. It's discouraging that my summer is now going to be me going back into treatment, and that I am once again going to miss out on opportunities with my family and relatives.

It's hard for me to view recovery as sustainable. Right now treatment feels like merely "Crisis Mitigation." That is, I can be in a scary place both in my eating disorder or in my emotional health and go into treatment and be saved, but it will never completely take me to the staircase needed to get out of this hell. Maybe, just maybe, I can reach a happy place in recovery for a few months, but it is inevitable that I will always be susceptible to relapse. And it it inevitable that just the right concoction of triggers and stressors will set me down the spiral again.

Identity

I realize it's been a while since I have last posted. I honestly don't know who even reads this anymore, or if this post will even be read. I have thought about posting over the past several months, and nothing has really stood out to me. Are things going well? Are things going poor? But why do I even want to share that publicly?

It's recently become more clear to me that I have found my identity less and less in my eating disorder. Yes, I still struggle with the whole identity piece because many of my closest friends are people I have met through treatment, and a lot of people I currently know do know about my history. It is definitely something that's always a "fall back" in my mind. I struggle with an eating disorder, I always will struggle with it (I know that's debatable, but I personally believe this is something that I will struggle with for the rest of my life). If I'm lost and feel hopeless in life, my eating disorder is who I am.

But over the past year, while there have definitely been times where I have been deeply immersed in my eating disorder, I have slowly been able to distance myself from that identity. I have ambitions in life, I am passionate about a career in helping hospitalized children, I have a very planned out timeline of where I want to be a year from now. While my ED still lingers in the background and is still a struggle, it's not something I feel that I need (or even want) people to know about me.

During my volunteering at Children's National Medical Center, and during my application process for practicums, my ED was something I definitely tried to keep on the down low. I used to be very open about my struggle and my recovery, and while it's not necessarily a "secret," it's not something I choose to share unless the conversation leads in the direction of me appropriately sharing. And even then, I share it as a "past struggle," and try not to focus on current presence of it.

Today I had a conversation with another student at my practicum, and the conversation came up about how I really struggle being home around Thanksgiving. Without going into every single detail of the conversation, at first I had no intention of sharing why. I did not want that to be how I was viewed, or something that triggered a red flag. But eventually it just felt natural to share that I previously struggled with it. The conversation wasn't long, but it was somewhat relieving to have a brief conversation with someone who had a close friend who also struggled with this, and wasn't ignorant to the impact it has on someone.

All this being said (I know I tend to get wordy with my posts and go on tangents), lately it's become very evident that I do not want to be known for my eating disorder. Yes, my eating disorder, my struggle, and my accomplishments through it is a HUGE part of who I am today. Sometimes it's hard for me to accept simple comments such as how I seem natural talking with people without them knowing that 3 years ago I couldn't even acknowledge or make eye contact with my own immediate family - because there was a lot of work that was put into my current [amazing] relationships that I now have with them.

I'm learning to accept who I am now as I am. Yes, I had to create who I am now. Yes, I still struggle with self worth and confidence. Yes, I still have flaws. Yes, it took me a long time to get to the point of where I am now. But I do not need validation from others to recognize all the hard work I put into who I am now. Clinging to the ED identity, or even the "recovery" identity is an easy identity to fall back on. But I'm realizing there's so much more than me than that. That is a simple part of my story. Every one of us has a story as to what made us who we are now. We all fought different battles. We all still struggle with different demons. We are all a work in progress.

Living in the moment and accepting who I am now, and accepting my strengths in getting to where I am now, that's what makes me feel fulfilled. I have a long way to go, and I think we are always going to be growing through fighting our trials. But trying to hold on to an identity that kept me miserable and kept my world very narrow limits my ability to thrive.

So to put it short. I am NOT my eating disorder. I am not just someone who is struggling to overcome her demons. I am just like anyone else. I have struggles that will always be there, but I am also strong in many other ways. There's no harm in recognizing where I need to improve, but I have found that letting go of labels and identities is what truly lets me be human and live my life fully.

Overdue update

It has been over three months since I've posted, and I feel like after my most recent less than thrilling post on life, anyone who actually reads this thing deserves a little bit of an update. I'm going to try my best to keep this brief, but we all know how I am with that... so we shall see how that goes.

I am honestly doing so much better than I was a few months ago. January (and all of winter break to be honest) was pretty awful in many aspects, that post wasn't an exaggeration. Although I will admit that when things are bad, my mind tends to be completely oblivious to any thing that could possibly be positive in life. I don't know exactly what happened, and it doesn't really matter anyways, but I somehow turned things around. I guess lack of structure is pretty debilitating for me, so going back to school added the structure that I needed. It also gave me some motivation to break out of the self-destructive cycle I was in, as I do desire to successfully complete school and work towards a career that I am passionate about. And while I used to be able to be productive and manage daily tasks while I was actively engaging in my ED, my brain just can't deal with that anymore and even remembering what I was thinking two seconds ago is impossible when I'm not nourishing myself properly. Basically long story short, somewhere towards the beginning of February I managed to dig myself out of a hole that I had been digging.

That's not to say that things have not been difficult. I think I went through a bit of a honeymoon phase during most of February, where yes, doing the whole recovery thing was hard, but it was also somewhat rewarding because I wasn't constantly isolating myself from everyone and ruminating on how much I'd rather be dead, and I could enjoy things that "normal" people take for granted. That's since worn off and I've been hit with the reality of how much recovery actually sucks (while not ignoring the fact that life really IS better when I'm meeting my body's needs). But I'm not going to beat around the bush, living in my body feels like a nightmare, and I'm constantly second guessing everything I consume ("do I actually NEED to eat this carb for dinner? I had oatmeal for breakfast....").  And making good decisions for myself is difficult, because there's no one telling me I have to do it (I'm no longer seeing a dietitian, and I only see my therapist and physician once a month). In the back of my mind, I'm constantly debating whether all this is worth it, because in the moment it never seems like it is. I have to keep looking forward and realizing that maybe life has the potential to be fulfilling if I keep trying to fight this battle. I'll never really know if I give up.

In writing all of this, I feel like I'm oversimplifying what's going on in my mind. There's a lot I'm not sharing because a lot of my "ED thoughts" are pretty disturbing and I'm somewhat ashamed to admit that I think a lot of the things I do. But in short, none of this has been easy, every day I battle with the "need" to restrict. I have bad days, and very bad days, but I also have a lot of good days.

As a quick update on life - I recently applied to multiple Child Life Practicums at hospitals in Maryland. I had no idea how competitive it was, until I got turned down (without even an interview) by all but one location (which I'm still waiting to hear back from). According to one of the Child Life Specialists at the hospital I volunteer at, one of the places I applied received over 40 applicants and only selected one. It's pretty discouraging being turned down repeatedly when I know this is what I want to do. The only thing I can really do is continue to build up my experience, revise my application answers and resume, and reapply for the fall (to more places this time). I feel kind of bad asking my references again for letters of recommendation and to re-fill out forms.

Right now I'm incredibly busy with things. Which in some sense is good, because it keeps my time pretty structured and I have little room to dwell on negative things in life. I'm taking two classes at UMD with an anticipated graduation date of May 18, 2016. I also just recently started an online Child Life program and am taking a class online, which has kept me pretty busy. In addition to education, I'm working again at State Farm four days a week, and am also continuing to volunteer at the Children's hospital. I do enjoy everything I've been engaging in, even though I'm constantly tired and my only down time is when I'm driving from place to place. But it keeps my days structured, and structure is what I thrive off of.

So that's basically my life right now. Much more than I had planned on writing (called it), but I guess that's what happens when you ignore your blog for 3ish months.

-Sarah :)

A fun weekend

I don't normally post about my social life. Mainly because, well, I don't have one. But this weekend was pretty full of activity and fun. Pretty rare for me.

It started out Thursday night. My old roommate, Nadiya, and I went to DC 101's holiday concert at Eagle Bank Arena. There were five bands that played, but the main two that I enjoyed were the struts and fall out boy. I'm not hugely into music, and never really sing along to the songs. But I love going to events like this mainly because I LOVE getting dressed up and going all out. Which I did. That's my favorite part of going to events or parties is getting dressed up. I definitely had the goth/hardcore thing going. Which was pretty fun, because I'm typically all pink, glitter, and unicorns.

The next morning (Friday), I woke up bright and early (well, it was actually kind of dark) for my flight to Boston to visit my brother (and a pretty sweet grad school). My brother picked me up from the airport and drove me back to his place. He had some stuff he had to get done, so he headed out, and I pretty much napped all day. Which was much needed after only getting maybe 2-3 hours of sleep the night before.

On flight to Boston - notice my eyeliner from the previous night is still remaining

My brother got home later in the evening, and I hung out with him and his roommate. We walked to the liquor store to get some beer and wine, and had some drinks at home while we chilled out and ate some local pizza (something I wouldn't have eaten a few months ago, because I can only guess the number of calories in it).

The next morning was another early morning. My brother drove me to Wheelock College, which is a college primarily focused on education and early childhood development, with roughly 1200 student. And only 400 of them are grad students. I went there for the open house, and went on a quick tour of the campus (which was pretty tiny). I absolutely fell in love with the school. Apparently it's the first school with a Child Life Master's program, and the top one in the country. They only admit up to 12 students into the program, so it's pretty freaking competitive (but so is Towson). I just loved the supportive atmosphere of it, the way the class is small and set up as a cohort, and how they help set you up for an internship. Child Life only requires that you have 480 hours for your internship, but they set you up with two internships - one 400 hour internship in a hospital setting, and one 200 hour internship in a more narrow clinical setting. Which puts you high up there for employee seekers. I also like how all the major hospitals are literally right down the street from Wheelock, and how Wheelock is literally right on the green line which makes it an easy transit. Like I said, I fell in love with this school.

After my brother brought me home, him and his roommate and I walked to The Red Lentil - a pretty awesome vegetarian restaurant right down the street from his apartment. As much as food causes me so much anxiety and chaos in my mind, I love trying out new restaurants. Especially veg ones where you can only find in specific locations. I loved the food. I got the vegan pumpkin bisque, and a butternut squash and artichoke quesadilla with vegan cheese.





After lunch we came back to Josh's place, and I slept some more (you'd think I was an old lady!). Then I took the bus into Boston to visit a friend in Harvard Square. I had so much fun hanging out with her and just chatting. Most of our conversation had nothing to do with our eating disorders, which was really refreshing because I feel like most of my relationships center around our eating disorders. And it was cool that we could have fun and enjoy each other's company WITHOUT shit talking treatment centers and talking about how fucked up we are. Along with many other stores, we spent a ton of time at Newbury Comics, which had hardly any comics, but a TON of unicorn stuff. I went crazy. I don't actually have money to spend, but oops. I kind of went a little crazy in there. I'm not going to tell you how much damage I did, but let's just say it's been a while since I've spent that much money on myself (or any money at all, really). I went insane buying unicorn pins, magnets, socks, gloves, and the most amazing unicorn ugly Christmas sweater I've ever seen. I wasn't going to buy it at first, because money, but after I checked out with my pins galore, I KNEW I'd regret it if I didn't buy it. So I got back in line and purchased it. I'm not regretting the hole in my pocket at all. Anyways, I had a blast hanging out with my friend and I'm so glad we were able to meet up. We spent about 3-4 hours just walking around Harvard Square and checking out shops and chatting, and totally lost track of time.

The most amazing ugly Christmas sweater EVER

I didn't get much sleep last night, maybe an hour. I had trouble sleeping. So after I flew back home this morning, I spent most of the day sleeping. I had a really good weekend, but I struggled a lot with food today. You'd think my passion for Child Life, and my love for Wheelock in all of it's competitiveness would have motivated me for recovery. After all, I KNOW I can't be successful if I'm in my ED. And after a rough semester this Fall, I really need to do well in the Spring to pull my GPA back up (it was pretty good, but I'm pretty worried with this semester being so bad). But I kind of left Boston feeling kind of discouraged and more pulled to my eating disorder. Child Life is what I want to do, but it's competitive, and I'm nothing special when it comes to academics. Sure, I have a lot of volunteer hours and a lot of experience with kids, but I'm not confident that any of that will make me stand out. If I don't get into grad school, then what?

Thanksgiving... my thoughts, the bad, but the good as well

I was going to write a post about everything I hate about Thanksgiving, but I decided to go a different route. I don't particularly like thanksgiving, but that has a lot to do with my eating disorder. It's been a long time since I've spent a Thanksgiving with my family, and that has mostly to do with my eating disorder. My eating disorder gets in the way of me enjoying things like this with my family. It causes great anxiety around food and people, and especially when you put the two together.

Over the last two years, I've overcome my battle of being able to eat with my immediate family, for a long time I couldn't even be seen with food around them. If I went to the grocery store, I'd shove the food in my purse until I got up to my room where I could hide it from my family. I cooked in my room using a toaster oven, and ate in my room. Never did I think I'd be able to eat in front of people. I've even overcome barriers about eating in front of strangers (although I still have a lot of anxiety around it, and prefer to eat in my car). But something about eating with my relatives, especially on a holiday, is still really hard for me. I can't wrap my mind around doing it, or even why I have such great anxiety with doing it.

Maybe if it was just one person, or two, I'd be okay with it. But I feel like when my eating disorder became apparent to the rest of my family, it was such an awkward experience. I felt like people were watching everything I ate with a critical eye. And even though I'm much healthier, physically, now, I still wonder what goes through people's minds when they see me eat. "Is she going to eat that?" "Why isn't she eating x?" "Wow, that's a lot of z!" "She doesn't eat like she has an eating disorder." All these things, I don't know why they matter, but it makes me super anxious to be around my family and food at the same time.

It's been years since I've spent Thanksgiving with my family.
2008 - Our house. I was working for most of it, but came home for dinner. I remember being called fat at the dinner table (not in those exact words), and purging afterwards (not because of the comment, but because I was pretty in my ED at this time).
2009 - Deep in my ED. Thanksgiving was at my relatives house. I stayed home because I was too sick and emaciated, and was afraid of what people would say to me. This was about a week before I went into treatment for the first time.
2010 - At our house. I remember engaging with my cousins when they first came. But someone asked me if I was going to eat thanksgiving with them and I said no, and they replied that they guessed that. I remember spending the rest of thanksgiving in my room except when I had to come out for family pictures. I also remember scouting the house for food to binge and purge on when my family was out paintballing.
2011 - I was in Texas, I remember crying in Texas because I knew I would never spend another holiday with my family, because I was so deep in my ED at that time, and that made me sad because I love my family.
2012 - At our house. I remember stacking suitcases and a table up against my door and keeping the lights off and playing depressing music to tune out what was going on downstairs. I kept my door blocked because I was terrified someone was going to come in and see me, to see my existence in general.
2013 - I believe it was at my relatives house. I spent it at home, again. I don't remember too much about this thanksgiving, other than that I was deep in my ED, and my therapist said I spent a session crying about how I would have liked to have been able to spend it with my family. About a month before going into treatment for a second time (which pretty much changed my life for the better).
2014 - Much better year, but still to scared to celebrate with my family. It was at our house this year. I spent thanksgiving in VA with my friend, but I had also made a goal with my therapist that I would engage with my family at least once while they were over. And I did. I tried to say hi to most of my family, and I chatted with my cousins for a little bit. It was a stretch, but a huge success for me. I'd avoided my family for years, and to actually be able to talk to them, and not have them avoid me felt amazing.
2015 - This Thanksgiving. I'm not where I was last year. My family is in West Virginia with my family celebrating. I wish I had had the courage to go. I think if it was just one day, I could have done it. I did have commitments, but to be honest I could have gotten out of them. I'm sad that I'm still not in a place where I feel like I can enjoy the holidays with my family, as those are some of my best memories from when I was younger. I'm scared that I'll never come to a point where I'll be able to celebrate with them. Even if I do, I feel like I've broken strong relationships that I used to have, and that holidays with my family will never be what they were.

But for the good.... I have a lot to be thankful for. This list may come across as slightly silly, but all the things I'm thankful for I truly am.

• God. I'm learning to love God more and more everyday, and see His love for me. I know God created me with a purpose, and that purpose is beyond my eating disorder. I'm grateful that I have a God that will love me regardless of what I do, and will continue to fight this battle with me if I let him.
• Unicorns. Unicorns have a very stable place in my heart and always will. They've given me something to be passionate about, to bring me joy. Anything unicorn related always lights up my heart.
• Pumpkin. I'm thankful that this year I've actually been able to try a lot of the pumpkin products that I was once too terrified to try.
• My family. They've been there for me through so much. Even after years of shutting them away from me, they still love and support me.
• Coffee. I love love love coffee. I don't drink it much anymore, because a lot of times it reminds me of the darkness of my eating disorder. But when I'm drinking it (and following my meal plan), it makes me feel warm and comforted.
• Natty and Boh. My two sweet dogs. I love everything about them. They make me feel not alone and comforted, they bring me joy, and give me someone to love.

There's a lot more I'm grateful for. Especially people. But know if you're reading this, I'm probably thankful for you, because you've somehow made a difference in my life (and because you're reading this and bumping up my views ;) ).

Am I Ready to Surrender Control of my Life to the Lord?

"Therefore, I urge you, brothers and sisters, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God—this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will." -Romans 12:1-2 

I've been meeting with a leader on campus from Cru, and going through a booklet about life with God. Part of the booklet had the question, "Am I ready now to surrender control of my life to our Lord Jesus Christ?" along with the previous passage.

I've surrendered my life to God, but to surrender CONTROL of my life? That's totally different. I feel very lost and conflicted on this. I want to live my life for God, for His will. But part of that is surrendering my eating disorder to Him (which is so much easier said than done). I'm so scared of letting go of something that has controlled my life for so long. I want to be able to surrender control of my life to God, but I don't want to. I feel like I'm not ready. Like I can give Him pieces of my life, but not the whole thing. Losing my eating disorder is scary, for reasons I've previously posted about.

I was also listening to WGTS (91.9) and there was a song by Casting Crowns called Thrive, where they talk about how we were made for more than ordinary life and more than just surviving, but to thrive. And without God, I can't do that. I'm not thriving. I'm living through the motions of life, but I'm not living for God, which God calls us to do.

 

Unicorns and my Recovery

Had to...

Most people who know me, know my obsession with unicorns. It's pretty real. But I've always kind of thought of my obsession with unicorns as almost like a metaphor for my eating disorder. I know that sounds really odd, but I'll explain.

My obsession with unicorns began around the age of 17. A little bit after the time that Jesse died. I think it was a way for me to take my mind off of the tough things in life and channel it into something else. I was also struggling with my ED at this time, but unicorns was another outlet, something that brought joy, something that I could focus all my attention on, something that I could use to relate to other people. For instance, I remember buying these awesome unicorn converse (which I no longer own :(. ), and it being the cool thing that I'd go around sharing with my cousins. "Look at these awesome shoes." And I'd get validation, that they were in fact pretty awesome.

Like my eating disorder, my unicorn obsession filled a void. It also served many purposes similar to my eating disorder. For one, it gives me an identity. Everyone on social media (facebook, tumblr, instagram, etc.) and real life knows me as the unicorn obsessed girl. People are constantly posting unicorn pics, quotes, things to buy, etc., on my facebook wall. I'm known for being obsessed with unicorns by others, but also by myself. I KNOW I'm the unique one with the unicorn obsession.

Along with that, it's something that's MINE. I'm the unicorn obsessed. I get defensive and dominate over it. If someone else expresses interest in unicorns, I immediately get angry, because unicorns is my thing. I have control over it. And I feel like if someone else gets excited over unicorns, they're taking something important away from me. People know me for my obsession, and they know it's mine.

Like my eating disorder, it's also something that controls my thoughts, but in a more positive way. I'm constantly thinking about unicorns (when I'm not in my eating disorder). I could spend hours (I have) looking up unicorn paraphernalia online. I have an entire unicorn board on Pinterest. It's something I can use to take my mind off of the things that I don't want to think about.

But unlike my eating disorder, it brings something else. It brings me passion, and joy. It keeps me lighthearted. It adds fun to my life. I enjoy thinking about unicorns, and posting my cool new unicorn gear, and bragging about how much unicorn stuff I have. It keeps me connected to people, because it gives us something to talk about. Unicorns was kind of a hot topic in my old house.

So how does this all relate to my recovery? I think it serves the purpose that I can find other ways to have an identity outside of my eating disorder, unicorns being a big one. I can focus on my obsession with unicorns as something that's mine, instead of feeling possessive of my eating disorder. It's something I can rear my mind to when I want to avoid the tough feelings (which I do have to deal with eventually). It can keep me connected to people. And it can feed my happiness and help me to not dwell on the unpleasant things in life.

Fears vs. Benefits of Recovery

My dietitian gave me an assignment to write out my fears of recovery, and the benefits of recovery. I had no problem coming up with a list of fears (although while they're all different, some may seem really similar), but I struggled with making a list of benefits.

Here are the lists.

Fears of Recovery

1. Being weight restored and still having all my ED thoughts and behaviors (e.g. obsessive compulsive behaviors around food, anxiety or avoidance of eating around people, constantly obsessing over what I'm going to eat, etc.)
2. Being recovered from my ED, but still having all my other problems & not being able to cope with them.
3. Losing my identity - not knowing who I am without my ED, or feeling unique/different.
4. Feeling valueless
5. Fear that I'll do all the work and fail at recovery, and that I'll do all the work for nothing.
6. All the emotions that I numb out with my ED coming at me with full force.
7. Not having it as a safety net or back up plan - doing poorly in school, not being able to be self-sufficient, not doing well in my career, being alone.
8. Not feeling loved by my family, losing their emotional support.
9. Not getting attention from my family.
10. Not having something that's MINE, that I have complete control over.
11. Being alone and rejected and feeling worthless; with my ED, none of that matters.
12. Dealing with things in the big world - my ED makes me only have to deal with one simple thing - my ED.
13. Dealing with responsibilities of growing up that I've been able to avoid.
14. Being independent - as much as I know independence is a good thing, I don't feel equipped for it. And I was independent most of my life, and I feel like I missed out on being dependent.
15. Not being cared for/about
16. Losing my community of friends who get what I'm going through and support me - all my "friends" are from treatment. Not making real friends.
17. Not being able to handle life outside of my ED.
18. Feeling like nothing because I don't have my ED.
19. Not having the structure, rigidity, routine my ED brings me.
20. Not being able to celebrate holidays with my family, because my ED has made things incredibly scary and awkward with them.

Benefits of Recovery

1. Not being controlled by my ED, feeling free.
2. Experiencing positive emotions - but that also scares me, because you can't have the good without the bad.
3. Having energy to do well in school and volunteering.
4. Thinking clearly.
5. Being physically healthy (which also scares me - see list above)
6. Being able to enjoy meals with my family.
7. Participating in holidays and vacations with my family.
8. Not isolating all the time.
9. Future - grad school, career, maybe a family.
10. Being able to tell my story and give hope to others.
11. Maybe being able to make friends, and actually enjoy being with other people.
12. Not being tired all the time.
13. Not being a financial and emotional burden on my family.
14. Maybe being able to find things I enjoy - but also scares me because what if I don't?

A lot to update on

It's been a while since I've made a post (at least it feels like it). A lot has been going on, and I haven't really known where to start.

I guess first things first, I'm moving back home at the end of the week. I don't want to get into details (but you're welcome to ask me personally), but living situation I currently am has not been healthy for my physical or mental health lately. As my therapist would put it, it's "toxic" for me. I think the word choice was a little harsh, but I have to degree. My mental and physical state has declined. I can't blame it all on housing, but a lot of the things going on in our house have contributed to the stress and overwhelming thoughts and triggers that have been destructive towards my recovery. I'm anxious about moving home, but at the same time I'm hoping it may be a fresh start to get back on track. After all, I always feel good after visiting with my family.

I started seeing a new dietitian, Lindsey, who I've found tremendously helpful. She challenges me in ways I can't explain. For instance, she won't just take an answer from me and leave it at that, she tries to get me thinking. Example, I compulsively weigh myself, over 20x a day. She asked why I need to know the number that many times, and I told her it makes me feel less anxious about my weight. And she asks, "why?" And when I give an answer (or try to), she then asks again, "why?" She really challenges my thought process. She also doesn't go easy on me at all (but yet she's really encouraging at the same time). For instance, I did pretty bad last week in following my meal plan. There was one day I came close, but even then I didn't eat lunch. We talked about it for a while (like the whole session) while going over my logs, and she said that what I was doing was not acceptable. She knows it's hard, but she pushes me. She gave me a calorie range to aim for (because I'm so fixated on numbers, and the exchanges wasn't getting me far), and yesterday I actually met my goal! I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it again today, because I kind of freaked out over my weight. But at least I can say I did it once. And who knows, maybe I'll be able to do it again.

Therapy... well, to put it bluntly, my therapist wants me back in IP. I told her that wasn't going to happen, because I think I can do this on my own. But she's been very persistent about it. She then sent an email to my parents (and me) saying my entire team wanted me inpatient. I think I signed a release for her to talk to my parents, but still, I think that was a boundary she crossed. I'm not going IP, I don't need it, not now, and I think I can pull myself together. I decided I'm going to take a break from seeing Brenda for a while. Instead, I'm going to see a Christian counselor (she's not a therapist) because I think I need to try something new in terms of counseling/therapy, and I think faith needs to be a big part of my recovery. I'm not sure the frequency I'm going to see her, I'm still working that out with my parents. But I still have Brenda as a back up. She's going to see me once a month to check in with me and make sure I'm not back tracking and making some progress.

Finally, after lots of pressure from my team + advisor to withdrawal from the semester, I talked with my parents and we came to a compromise that I would drop 2 classes. I can technically only drop one class without withdrawing from the full semester (without a dean's exception), but my advisor thinks that with a medical note I'll get the exception. So my psychiatrist is working up a note for me to provide to the dean. The only downside is I'm not going to be graduating in December like I had hoped, but instead will be graduating in the Spring of 2016.

I think moving home, switching dietitians, change of pace with therapy/counseling, and dropping classes will really help in improving my current situation, mental, and physical.

Got to Step It Up

I've talked a little about this situation I'm dealing with that's causing a lot of stress and is impacting my recovery negatively. I can't go into details about it, or even say what it is, but I'm a little relieved because if things aren't resolved I have a back up plan in place. And not only is the back up plan going to be helping me out, but also a friend.

I don't think I mentioned it, but I started working at Children's National Medical Center yesterday as a volunteer. Ironically, I was told that many of the patients on the unit struggle with eating disorders. I don't think it's going to affect me negatively, at least at this point, because we don't really talk about the condition with the patients. I think the only thing that's going to be hard is not being like "I know this is hard, I can relate," or telling them that they don't want to live like this because an eating disorder in adulthood is nothing to be proud of and is such a barrier to living your life. If it does become a problem, I think I'll ask to switch units. But I think it'll be okay.

I'm meeting with my advisor this coming week, and I'm going to talk to her about taking an incomplete in two of my classes. I haven't talked much about the whole academic side of things, but it's been so overwhelming, and I'm getting so far behind I can't keep up. I'm missing assignments, and while I have a note from my psychiatrist to accommodate me, I feel guilty relying on that. I want to talk to my advisor about the possibility of taking some incompletes, and maybe working for my dad in the spare time I have to help with appointments.

I'm also trying to get myself back on track, because right now I'm on a really slippery slope. I talk a lot about how conflicted I am about recovery, and I am conflicted. But in the long run (I need to stop thinking about the now), I want to have a life. I want to work and be self-sufficient, and I want to enjoy my job and my life. I want to have a house, and maybe even a family. I can't do any of that with my eating disorder. I'm working on structuring my treatment team more, and creating my own "treatment program" outpatient, so that I'm getting daily support.

Right now I'm seeing my therapist every other week (which I should be seeing her weekly), dietitian every other week (again, should be seeing weekly), psychiatrist 1-2x/month, and my PCP once a month, and Dine weekly.

I'm hoping to step up my therapy and dietitian schedule to once a week, keep the dine monte nido, psychiatry, and PCP in place, but also add art therapy every other week, and meet with a Christian therapist as needed. I wanted to replace my current therapist with the Christian one, but I'm nervous about leaving my current therapist because she has done a lot for me and is great at advocating for me. But I feel like my recovery from my eating disorder largely relies on faith, and I struggle a lot with that.

I don't know. All of this is going to be hard to fit in, but I'm just considering it, and how I'm going to pay for it. But I think working for my dad will be helpful because he's currently looking for a sale's person, and I think I could help him out in the meantime while making some money to pay for things that I want to be responsible for.

I did it

I don't want to say it was awful, but it really sucked. We went to Chevy's, and weren't really given an option of what to get other than the protein, which obviously I'm a vegetarian so I couldn't choose. On the bright side, the vegetarian option had no cheese in it, so that was a relief. It was still a ton of food, and I was over full. Like a 10 on the scale (10 equals stuffed beyond belief, 1 equals starving).

I went into the meal at a 2, because I didn't eat all day to compensate for the amount of calories I'd be consuming later. I had to get a combo dish, so I got 2 vegetarian enchiladas (with surprisingly just veggies and no cheese in it), which came with a side of rice, black beans, and this cornbread thing. I also got a caloric drink - mango lemonade. I just can't wrap my head around drinking a non diet soda.



We processed the meal before and after, which I didn't find particularly helpful. I think because both of us were really struggling with the meal before hand and after. The process f eating the actual meal wasn't as bad as I thought, but afterwards I felt awful, physically and emotionally.

It helped to get my mind off of it with our next activity, a gratitude journal. It helped me get my mind off the meal and focus on positivity. I'm still pretty bitter that I had to eat that, and I weighed myself when I got home and obviously weighed more than I did before I ate it. I'm just scared that my weight is going to be up tomorrow morning.

Fall Retreat and Dietitian Stuff

Went on the fall retreat with Cru. It was fun, but I don't really think I "grew" from it. Everyone always talks about growing in their faith on retreats, and I guess I just feel like scripture doesn't make enough sense for me to really get anything out of it. Like I can pinpoint verses in the bible and pick out ones that relate to whatever I want, but I don't understand it in context.

I don't really feel like I connected with anyone. Like everyone was super nice, and I chatted with a few people, but when it comes down to it, I doubt anyone's going to be eager to add me on facebook.

We did have this lady's night thing where we talked about holiness in speech, singleness, dating, and consumption (I thought that was going to relate to me, but no, it was talking about over consumption of anything, whether it be food, or sex, etc.)

We then did an activity where we painted something that we took away from the night. I painted a picture with the scripture 1 Corinthians 3:17 "If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy that person; for God's temple is sacred, and you together are that temple." And I felt like that resonated with me, because what I do to my body is destroying God's temple. I mean, I can't just snap my fingers, read the verse, and things will be different, but it's food (no pun intended) for thought.

~~~~~

On another note, I've committed to switching dietitians. I emailed about 20 dietitians (if not more) in the area that say they specialize in EDs. I've gotten quite a few responses and I'm going to interview them with the following Qs
Rates
Session length and frequency
Provide billing receipts for insurance
Location
Treatment approach (e.g. Do you use a special approach to treating EDs)
What resources and additional activities do you offer to help support recovery?
Do you personalize your approach per individual and her needs or according to what's not working or what's going well?
Experience with EDs
Do you do meal plans, and if so how do you do them
Will you allow me to keep my current meal plan
Will you collaborate with my treatment team
I weigh X and am 5'0.5 with a bmi of X, can I maintain that weight
How do you work on challenging Ed behaviors (eg restricting carbs, fear foods, counting calories, rituals, intuitive eating, etc)
At what point would you terminate me for being too much or require a hloc
Exercise - how you might coordinate with my trainer or accommodate a healthy exercise program into her nutritional support?
Will you support a vegetarian diet, what about vegan?
Not a determining factor, but are you able to incorporate faith/religion into your practice?
How do you run your sessions (e.g. What should I expect in the initial and follow up sessions?)
Osteopenia (diagnosed over two years ago) - do you recommend ways of preventing further deterioration of bones?
Do you believe full recovery is possible, or that you're always recovering?

I've scheduled quite a few interviews this week. I had one today, but it turned into her learning a little about me, and then scheduling an hour long consultation. It's scheduled for Wednesday. I don't know if I'm going to like her or not, but I'm going to ask her all the questions above and compare her to other dieticians and see if she's a good fit for me. I just want someone who's experienced with EDs, and knows all the tricks I play (because when it comes down to it, I'm very manipulative and am good at running the sessions my way, which obvious isn't helpful).

I'm excited to meet her and see what she can offer me.

Crazy Busy Day (and a lot of disgusting thoughts)

Today has been super busy. I attempted to wake up at 6 to finish my annotated bibliography so I would have time to workout, but I slept through my alarm and my mom calling me (yes, I have my mom call me when I need to wake up super early), and didn't get up until 7. I still finished the bibliography, and had time for breakfast and a shower, but not enough time to go to the gym.

I forgot to mention the other day, my professor approved my request for an extension on my paper and other project, so I'm super relieved about that. I have until Wednesday at 11 to finish it, but I don't know where I'm going to find the time to do that these next few days. I'm so busy, I hate it.

I had two back to back classes, got out at 11:50 and quickly bike home so that I could leave my house by noon. I had an orientation at Children's National Hospital that went a little over two hours, and I had to rush from there to Holy Cross Hospital where I volunteer, and ended up being 30min late (but my supervisor seemed understanding since I sent her an e-mail while I was at Children's National letting her know I was running behind).

Now I'm at Holy Cross "volunteering," but all of my duties have already been done by the volunteer who comes in during the morning. I feel like I'm just wasting time here sometimes, because now that I'm working in the afternoons, the morning person gets everything done. And it's slow enough on the unit that everything really only needs to get done once. My supervisor is cool and always tries to find me something to do, but she leaves at 3:30 (I get here at 3pm usually) and when she does find me something to do it doesn't take that long. Sometimes there are kids on the unit that I can play with and entertain, but lately it's been really slow.

Here I am just chilling in the playroom, while I wait for something exciting to happen (haha, that doesn't actually happen on this unit). I enjoy volunteering when there's things to do, but when I'm just sitting around, I feel like I'm just in everybody's way. Thank God for internet here.

 

After this I have to rush to a bible study that I've been going to. I've only been twice, but it's good so far, and the group seems pretty cohesive. I'm not quite comfortable with the people there yet, only because it takes me a while to get used to people, but they all seem friendly and welcoming. The one thing I hate though is when it's time to pray. We go around and pray together, and I get so embarrassed praying out loud, so I just squeeze the person's hand next to me so they know to go. But I feel bad not praying out loud when everyone else is. Usually it's just a small group of ladies that meet, but tonight it's a larger group that includes the guys too. I'm kind of nervous about meeting new people.

 

Straight after that I have to go to Silver Spring for my overnight babysitting job. I probably won't get there until at least 10, so the kids will be in bed and I might be able to get some homework done. But I have to get up at 6 in order to get myself ready, and then both the girls ready and fed, and get the one girl to school on time.

 

I somehow have to get home and pack in between all of this, and find time to eat dinner. I didn't really have lunch, I mean I ate a bar, but that technically doesn't have enough calories in it, and my breakfast wasn't that hearty either. I struggled a lot with eating the bar for lunch, because I got through the orientation without eating lunch (which ended around 2:45pm) and drove straight to Holy Cross after. I felt invincible, like I didn't need lunch since I already passed lunch time and wasn't really hungry. I knew a bar wouldn't hurt me, but I also drunk a lot of calories in alcohol last night, which really freaked me out today (even though the scale is fine). I ate it, because the most embarrassing thing ever would be passing out while at the hospital, but I'm still kind of like why did I do that?

 

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I'm still really nervous about starting Dine on Wednesday. I know I'm going to have to eat a real meal, and a caloric drink, and I don't really know what this "real meal" is going to consist of. At home, at least I know the amount of calories I'm going to consume, and I preplan my meals around my other meals. Alex (the leader) said she was going to let us know on Monday what we were going to be having for dinner on Wednesday, but I still haven't heard from her, and I'm getting nervous. I'm also really nervous because I have my dietician appointment on Thursday - the day after eating a normal meal. Normally I restrict before my appointments because I'm afraid I'm going to be weighed and my weights going to be way up there. Which doesn't make sense, because I weigh myself like 50x a day (I'm not kidding) and it's not like I'm on the high end of my range or anything.

~~~~

 

Sorry I just talked about that for a while, I'm just really anxious about that. I'm also really anxious about eating the next two days leading up to Dine, because I feel like I have to compensate for whatever we're going to eat that night.

~~~~

 

Ahhh, sorry. I need to stop talking about how anxious I am about this. I shouldn't be so worried. I've done treatment before, and I can always back out if it's too much (which I know would be a bad decision but I'm kind of conflicted about this whole thing anyways.

 

This is sick, and I've only admitted it on tumblr (where I talk about all the crazy things that go through my head, unfiltered), but I don't know that full recovery is possible for me. I read a research article about relapse in individuals with Anorexia Nervosa, and the relapse rate is so much higher in those with Binge-Purge Subtype (that's me), and are less likely to recover. That was pretty discouraging to read, but it makes a lot of sense that maybe I won't recover.

 

Okay, I didn't get to the sick and crazy messed up part yet. But part of me just wants to die. Not like in a suicide way. But I want to be dead. I want my eating disorder to kill me. I want to die from my eating disorder. I want it to kill me. I know I'm repeating myself, but it's a strong belief that I've had for a few years now. If I don't recover from it, if I can't truly be happy, this is how I want to die. That's depressing to hear, I'm sure. And like, don't freak out, it's mostly coming from feeling hopeless in terms of recovery, it's an easy way out of life. And the sick thing is, it means I won. Well, my eating disorder won. It means I did my eating disorder best. How disgusting is it that I have thoughts like that? That's not even rational, I can't even explain it to myself. It doesn't make sense in my head. I want to die, and I want my eating disorder to kill me.

 

But I have all these plans for my life, that requires living. Which is why I'm doing this Dine program, which is why I'm fighting reluctantly. I'm very reluctant. I don't have a lot of hope. I try to convince myself that I have hope by reading inspirational stories. But I'm different. I'm not going to recover. I have the kind of eating disorder that research shows people don't recover from (I mean some people do, but the odds are against me considering my subtype and how long I've struggled).

 

This post got super depressing and I'm sorry if you read through all of this. I hope this wasn't triggering to read or discouraging.

 

 

Family Time

 

Earlier this week, my mom sent me an e-mail with a pumpkin soup recipe, asking if I'd like to come over and help her make it. The answer was obviously yes, seeing as pumpkin was in the title of the recipe. We decided to meet up today, because yesterday was my sister Shannon's 15th birthday and my family was going to celebrate it tonight, so it seemed like a good time to meet up.

 

I met my mom at Wegman's so we could do grocery shopping for the week. My house that I live in does communal groceries, but lately it's just been better for me to do my own food stuff. It causes me a lot of anxiety not knowing what I'm going to have for a meal, or planning the day in advance what I'm going to have and then not having something available. Ideally, eating what the house eats would be moving in the right direction in terms of recovery, it's just been too much for me to handle recently. Plus, if I'm going to eat food, it's gotta be the best tasting food, because why waste calories on cardboard? (My roommates don't eat cardboard, but you know what I mean)

 

So we went shopping, and it was a pretty low stress trip, mostly because I didn't have a lot that I needed. And I've kind of gotten into a routine of what I need, which is helpful for right now. And then we came home and made soup.... well, I helped a little, but mostly I just hung around and goofed off. But hey, I only see my family a few times a month, so I like to be able to hang out with my siblings and chat and mess around with them.

 

I had a really good time hanging out with the family. As I posted on facebook, it's always so refreshing to spend time with my family. They are so amazing and supportive, and I couldn't ask for a better family. It's amazing how much things have changed. I spent so many years being resentful of my family, and I don't even know why, they never did anything wrong. Of course, there are things that I look back on and wish they did differently. But they're humans and imperfect, and they did the best they could with me and my siblings, and I can't thank them enough for doing their best.

 

Going home used to cause me so much anxiety. Especially when I lived in Texas. I always freaked out about the whole food aspect of things (where am I going to get my food? how am I going to prepare it when there are PEOPLE there? I can't be seen around food. I'm going to have to talk to people?) I also struggled with the fact that I was really deep in my ED at the time, and my parents weren't actively trying to "save me." We've talked about it in therapy, and I understand now that at points they didn't know how to help, or if it would worsen things. And there were times when I was so good at hiding it, that they didn't realize how bad it was.

 

A big reason that things have been different is because of the work I've done both in and out of treatment. My family therapist at ERC in Denver was amazing at getting me to be more open with my parents, and not allowing me to bullshit with them. But even since then, things have gotten so much better with my family. I think I've been more open with them about my struggles, and how they can help. And I've reached out to my parents more when things have felt out of my control. I definitely can't give myself all the credit though, I don't know if "changed" is the right word, but my parents have learned so much over the past two years about how they can help me, and have been way more active in my recovery. I don't know if that's because I've let them in more, or if they've stepped up more, or both.

 

Dinner with my family was great. I don't usually enjoy food unless I'm not sober, but as much as eating with people causes me anxiety, it DOES make it more enjoyable once I get passed the anxiety. I think the anxiety is more thinking about having to eat with people and thinking about the anxiety, so I get anxious over becoming anxious. But once I sit down and do it, it's okay. Eating with people is so helpful because I can think about the conversation rather than the calories that I'm shoving down my throat. I feel like I'm getting much better at contributing to the conversation when I'm eating with my family than I was even a few months ago. We even talked about athletes, and 300-lb football players, and beefing up, and it didn't make me cringe or turn me off food. I mean, we WERE talking about a vegan 300-lb football player, but still.

 

When I drove my sister to wawa earlier, I found this pumpkin cannoli dip & chips, and anyone who knows anything about me knows I'm obsessed with pumpkin. And I like the regular non pumpkin variety of it, so I thought I'd give this a try. It was good, like the normal kind, but definitely didn't taste like pumpkin.



 

Anyways, I'm so glad things have been better with my family. I'm growing to love and appreciate them more and more everyday. I used to think my siblings hated me (because I was pretty rotten when I was in my ED), but it always tickles my heart when my little brothers come up to me and give me an "I missed you" hug.

 

Veg Fest 2015

First and foremost, thank you everyone who read my blog and has sent me some form of encouragement. I really do appreciate it. While I may not be 100% confident in myself, I wouldn't be going back into a program if I knew I could do this. I know I can't possibly be the only ones with these apprehensions, and it will be good having people in a similar place as me to relate. And maybe people further in their recoveries than me that can give me some hope, and people not as far in their recoveries that I can be a light to.

~~~~~~~~~~

 

Now time to post about the DC VEGFEST! I meant to post about it yesterday, but I posted about other things, and then never got around to this. But yeah, I went to the D.C. Veg Fest with my friend Chelsea, and it was a lot of fun. I went last year, and it was totally different (a reminder of how far I've come). Part of it was going with a friend, who pushed me a little bit, and also knowing that I had support if I needed it. Last year I went, and I in a pretty good place, but also in that "just got out of treatment, got to follow my meal plan to a T," and still very socially timid (but I would still talk to people). I don't think I tried any of the samples last year, and ended up just getting lunch to fit my exchanges. This year was more fun, I wasn't as rigid. And while my friend thinks I should have tried more samples, I did what I was comfortable with, and I didn't count the calories in all the samples (huge woah). I even at this ginormous vegan pumpkin sandwich, and didn't care that I could only guestimate the calories in it. I talked to a lot of people, and I really think I gave off that happy cheerful vibe.

 

That's the kind of person I want to be. I want to be happy and cheerful, and I want it to rub off on other people. Because I genuinely want to see my happiness shine in other people. That's so selfish, I want to be the reason you're happy? Dude. But I want people to be happy, whether I make them happy or not. I just selfishly like knowing that I was a contributor to it. I don't know if that's a bad thing.

 

Anyways, here are some photos and a video about all the cool samples I got at the veg fest (yeah I gave away my youtube channel, ooops).

Dine Monte Nido

I've been thinking about how I wanted to post this, or if I wanted to post it, but I feel like if you're following my life, this is kind of an important detail that may be relevant for future posts. Basically I'm starting Monte Nido's Dine program on Wednesday, October 7. I feel kind of weird posting it because I've been in and out of IOP/PHP/Res/IP/etc. for a while, and it's like, again?

Only this is different. Monte Nido is a treatment program that I believe started in California by Carolyn Costin (author of 8 keys to recovery from an eating disorder), and Dine is an affiliate of her program. It's only a one day program, and it's 3 hours long and includes dinner. The program is meant for people who want to recover and want to be there, as opposed to other programs I've been in where a lot of people are there because they're forced to be there.

I have a lot of apprehensions about starting the program. One of them is the leader, Alex Raymond, a new nutritionist that works for Rebecca Bitzer. Background info - Rebecca Bitzer is my old dietician, who also used to lead a group that Alex would sometimes run with her. Alex was also a student at UMD my first semester (when I was pretty bad in my ED). I was a nutrition major at the time (lol), and I think it was Alex's last semester there as a nutrition major. I went to their nutrition club one time, realized that I felt so awkward there because talking about food used to freak me out (why was I a nutrition major??), and didn't go back. Alex was also the leader of the nutrition club. I don't know if she remembers me, but it's just weird going to a program lead by a prior peer. And it's also going to be weird going to a program lead by a nutritionist rather than a therapist, because I feel like a lot of the group topics will be therapy issues?

Another apprehension is that the meals don't go by exchanges, they go by what is a "normal meal." I can't even remember eating a meal without either counting the calorie content, or counting exchanges (while still counting calories, because I can't eat something without calculating the calories in my head). So like, how am I supposed to know if I'm eating what fits into my meal plan (not like I follow my meal plan anyways, but I most certainly don't want to go over)?

And going along with the whole meal situation, it is required that everyone have a caloric drink with their meal. I know I shouldn't be as scared of caloric beverages as I am, but ahhhh. Like I can drink caloric beverages in certain situations. For instance, sometimes I drink soy milk with breakfast, but that's only if it fits into my allowed calories. Or I'll drink alcoholic beverages occasionally, but again, only if I underrate that day, because again, calories. I mean, why drink my calories if I can get just as many calories from food? I know it's possible for me to do the whole liquid calorie thing, because in past treatments I've done them. But it's always somehow fit into my meal plan (e.g. if I need a dairy, I'll have soy milk, if I need a fruit, I'll have coconut juice, etc.). I talked with the intake director about it, who said it was a common concern for people (which I knew), and that most people get used to it after a few weeks. But I still can't even wrap my mind around drinking COW'S milk, or non-diet soda. I hope we can at least choose something that's not so "scary."

I'm also nervous because the intake director said the program is for people who want to be there. I want to be there, but I want not to be there. I'm so conflicted in terms of recovery. I feel really stuck. Like I might have a good week, but then I have a bad week. I'm making no progress, and am constantly going back and forth. I don't know what I want. I'm exhausted. But I don't want to live with an eating disorder, because it's not living. I just feel really hopeless in terms of recovery and motivation. But the intake director thinks this might be a good fit for me, because I'll be surrounded by people who want to recover, and I can gain strength and motivation from them. I hope he's right.

I want to give the program a shot, but I've been kicked out of programs before due to non-compliance, and I've faked my way through programs before, and there have been times where I felt like I was really taking it in but still relapsed. I need this time to be different. I don't have time in my life to waste on an eating disorder. I feel like I need more support than I have now, but I don't have time for IOP/DAY/PHP/etc., so this needs to work. I have my future all planned out. Graduate in December, work in the spring and summer while accumulating volunteer hours, practicum over the summer, start grad school in the Fall. I don't have time in my life to backtrack and end up in a higher level of care.

Sorry this was a long post. I think I could use some encouragement, because I feel discouraged and unmotivated, and really ashamed of doing a program again when I've done them so many times. I'm scared this isn't going to work, or that I'm not going to be able to persevere.

Also, if you do the whole prayer thing, pray that I would really dive into this program and give it everything. And that I can be honest with my team about things, because I've been struggling with that too. And pray that I'll be motivated and encouraged by the other ladies in treatment.

I like this image, because people are always like "try this guilt-free food" or "I'm so going to feel guilty after eating this," and other phrases like that. But I mean, it's food, you're not committing a mortal sin. In fact, your body NEEDS food to function. And eating a slice of cake once in a while won't kill you (in fact, I had to eat dessert every night for a few months, and I'm still kind of alive). So why should food make us feel guilty, if we're eating it in moderation? I mean, this is still something I struggle with, and I'm sure many people without eating disorders struggle with it too. But wouldn't it be wonderful if ALL foods were guilt free in our minds?

~~~
An anon on tumblr asked me:
"You're not trying to lose weight, but you're restricting?"

If you can earnestly ask this same question, you have a lot to learn about eating disorders. I'm too tired to give a long answer to this, just because this question has so much overwhelming content that I could reply with, but hopefully my blog gives some insight into the fact that eating disorders usually don't stem from wanting to lose weight (although they can definitely be part of the many triggers that trigger them).

~~~
I didn't do anything of note today. I'm still waiting to hear back from my therapist about that assignment. So I'm pretty anxious about that. I also started a new vLog. I used to have one that I made the first time I got out of treatment, but I hid most of the videos on there because I was kind of triggering to be honest (like talking about weight and stuff). It still exists, but I can no longer log on because I don't have the password or original email that I used to set it up.

That's okay though. I challenge you guys to find my new one (you probably won't - unless you know my old one, in which *hint hint*). I'm probably not going to talk about anything of note on there, since I'm using this. I'll probably just use it for fun.
~~~
I have a lot of recovery books that I've skimmed through and never really used. But I might see if some of them have some good journal prompts. I have a faith based one that I started using over the summer, but then got busy and stopped. I might start posting some of those again (I used to post them on my tumblr).

Long day, long post

This is not going to be a formal blog post about anything in particular, I'm just going to write about my day. It's probably going to be a bit long because I have a lot going on.

I pulled two allnighters in a row (and another one is planned for tonight... yay!), so as you can imagine I feel like a walking zombie. Although yesterday when I saw my psychiatrist, she said I looked pretty good for only getting 20 minutes of sleep.

I had an exam this morning in my adult aging and development class, which I didn't study nearly as well for as I should have (even though I pulled an allnighter?). The review sheet for the exam freaked me out, but it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Still, I think I should have done better. I have not gotten the results back yet.

I went to my Psychology of Women class, which I really enjoy. I speak in it sometimes, but then I always feel really dumb because after I speak up I feel like I missed the point or am way off. But that's my stupid problem, that I'm working on (not always thinking that everything I say is dumb). Afterwards, I talked to the TA because I had a really rough weekend for a lot of reasons, but I missed an assignment that counts for a big chunk of my grade. She was cool about it, and said if I got a note from my doctor, she could give me an extension.

I forgot to pack my lunch today which is always stressful, because picking out food stressed me out. I went to the diner to try to find something and walked around for about 15 minutes before getting overwhelmed and left. So I went to the convenience store, same deal. I just can't make decisions about food in the moment. Especially when everything on campus is "scary" (as they say), and I know I have "safe" food at home. So I just didn't eat, which like is not big deal to me, except I'm kind of on thin ice right now, so yeah.

Then I met with this leader from Cru (a Christian organization on campus) who I've been meeting with every week. She's pretty cool and helps give me some insight into the bible. Because even though I grew up in a Christian family, most of my life I did not really care, and for many years I was very resentful of God. I don't remember exactly what we talked about, but we left off with some homework that I'm supposed to do for next week. And some questions I had. We talked about the verse Romans 7:15 ("I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.") which resonates a lot with me. And continued to read through Romans 8:11. I was confused by that verse. Our translations are different, but it basically said that if Jesus dwells in you, he will do work in you, or something like that. I forget the exact wording. But basically I wanted to know, how do I get the Spirit to live in me, when I still have all these problems that I'm trying to work on. And what if the spirit dwells in me, but I don't WANT to change my behaviors? I mean, eating disorders suck, but recovery sucks too. And I'm always so conflicted about it. And that's for another post.

I had a group project after that. We worked on it for a while, and we have an outline going, but I'm going to be working on it late tonight.

Had therapy tonight. It was good. We talked about a situation I'm in that's really toxic for my recovery, that my therapist wants me to get out of. But it's really complicated, and I don't think I can do that. She is also good friends with my Psychology of Women professor, so she said she would have no problem getting me an extension. That's one of the great things about having a therapist that used to work on campus - she has connections and can do things like that for me.

My therapist is also super concerned with me right now. I brought something up last session that I probably shouldn't have, but you know, honesty is supposed to be helpful for my recovery and shit. But anyways, one of the first things she said when I walked in was "I can tell you've lost weight." Which I mean, my weight fluctuates, like everyone else's, so I'm not concerned. But she attributed that to the "toxic" situation I'm in. She also doesn't approve of my 3 overnighters in a row, and thinks I'm going to have a hard attack from all the energy drinks and coffee I've been consuming, I told her that's fine with me.

I stopped by 7/11 on the home to pick up some coffee and some late night study snacks (I still have some energy drinks from last night, because I didn't drink ALL of them). I'm currently on my 3rd cup of coffee (I don't think my therapist would approve.... whoops). Me and the 7/11 lady have this ritual going on. She brews me a pot of pumpkin coffee each night, I buy the largest cup they have, and then she finishes the pot. It's a great bonding experience.

Now that I've bored you with my life, I'm going to eat dinner and work on my homework.

Comments are always appreciated. :)

Sober Eating

I'm hesitant to post this because it's really taboo for some people, and I'm probably going to have some people private message my mom being like "do you know what your daughter said on her blog?". But I really hate eating sober. I feel like food is supposed to be enjoyable, and frankly, if I'm not on something while I'm eating, eating is such a chore. When I eat, I expect it to be a pleasurable experience. Like unicorns and rainbows and all that. My meal has to be perfect. Everything perfectly arranged on the plate, with the perfect mix of flavors. I have to be perfectly situated in my spot. And I have to be under the influence of something, anything.

When I'm sober, it's just a routine task. There's no pleasure to it. In fact, I feel guilty eating it. It's a waste of calories if I'm not enjoying it. Most people, I assume, just eat, and don't think about it. Sometimes food is good, sometimes it's mediocre, and occasionally the flavors are perfect. But for me, there's no point in eating if it's not "perfect."

I don't know if any of that makes sense. But this week has been a challenge for me. I've been so overwhelmed with school piling up, and volunteering, and babysitting, that I haven't had time to be irresponsible. Which in a sense is a good thing. But it makes eating so complicated, and I hate it.

I wish I could just think of food as food, like everybody else. I wish I knew how to enjoy food, without all the overwhelming thoughts that come with it, while I was sober. When I was a kid, food was food. It was good. But not too good. Just the right amount of good. I want to get that back. I want to be normal with food. Whatever that is.

"You look good"

For someone with an eating disorder, you probably can understand the feelings that come with the comment above. Lately, I've been getting comments like this a lot. "You look good," "you look healthy," "you look sexy," etc. Comments that logically I know are meant to be a compliment, but end up fucking with my mind.

What does, "you look good" mean anyways? Did I not look good before? Do you mean I look good, like bigger, or smaller than I did? I look healthy? Like you mean pudgy? Because when I think of healthy I think of having excess fat on the body to protect itself, which isn't a bad thing, if you're not me. And sexy. You mean I have curves? I've always liked curves on other people, but on me? No way.

Getting comments on my body, in any shape or form messes with my mind. You could tell me I look skinny, and I'd feel uncomfortable. "You think I'm skinny now, you should have seen me when I weighed X." I hate talking about body image, because it's such a stereotype that eating disorders revolve around body image, because they don't. Body image just comes in the package.

I think one reason that body comments really bother me, is that I feel like it implies that the person thinks you're well. I've come a long way, but I'm not where I need to be. I still purge, I still restrict, I still over exercise, but not like I did before. I manage it. Yes, I'm weight restored, but the behaviors are still there. And my mood, that's a whole other story, that also relates to this post.

I along with the comment, "you look good," came the comment, "you look happy." But am I? Sure, I'm not confined to my bed curled up in a ball crying every day. I enjoy moments of my life. I know that I can feel happiness. But overall, am I really happy? I still have bouts of depression and hopelessness that can last up to a few weeks. I still view suicide as a fascinating option, as a viable way out. I'm still clinically depressed, even though I'm better. So how can I be happy?

I guess comments on my body and my state of being make me feel like I'm portraying this recovered individual, and that's all a lie. I'm "healthy" compared to where I was 2 years ago. I'm "happy" compared to where I was 2 years ago. Do I look good compared to where I was 2 years ago? My therapist would scream YES, but I don't buy it.

For anyone, does it bother you when people make comments about your appearance or state of happiness?

Also, click on join this site on the right column for updates from me.

P.S. If you've ever made any of the above comments to me, it's okay. You're not me, you don't have my brain, you can't know what I'm going to take the wrong way and how it's going to affect me.