This is not going to be a formal blog post about anything in particular, I'm just going to write about my day. It's probably going to be a bit long because I have a lot going on.
I pulled two allnighters in a row (and another one is planned for tonight... yay!), so as you can imagine I feel like a walking zombie. Although yesterday when I saw my psychiatrist, she said I looked pretty good for only getting 20 minutes of sleep.
I had an exam this morning in my adult aging and development class, which I didn't study nearly as well for as I should have (even though I pulled an allnighter?). The review sheet for the exam freaked me out, but it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Still, I think I should have done better. I have not gotten the results back yet.
I went to my Psychology of Women class, which I really enjoy. I speak in it sometimes, but then I always feel really dumb because after I speak up I feel like I missed the point or am way off. But that's my stupid problem, that I'm working on (not always thinking that everything I say is dumb). Afterwards, I talked to the TA because I had a really rough weekend for a lot of reasons, but I missed an assignment that counts for a big chunk of my grade. She was cool about it, and said if I got a note from my doctor, she could give me an extension.
I forgot to pack my lunch today which is always stressful, because picking out food stressed me out. I went to the diner to try to find something and walked around for about 15 minutes before getting overwhelmed and left. So I went to the convenience store, same deal. I just can't make decisions about food in the moment. Especially when everything on campus is "scary" (as they say), and I know I have "safe" food at home. So I just didn't eat, which like is not big deal to me, except I'm kind of on thin ice right now, so yeah.
Then I met with this leader from Cru (a Christian organization on campus) who I've been meeting with every week. She's pretty cool and helps give me some insight into the bible. Because even though I grew up in a Christian family, most of my life I did not really care, and for many years I was very resentful of God. I don't remember exactly what we talked about, but we left off with some homework that I'm supposed to do for next week. And some questions I had. We talked about the verse Romans 7:15 ("I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.") which resonates a lot with me. And continued to read through Romans 8:11. I was confused by that verse. Our translations are different, but it basically said that if Jesus dwells in you, he will do work in you, or something like that. I forget the exact wording. But basically I wanted to know, how do I get the Spirit to live in me, when I still have all these problems that I'm trying to work on. And what if the spirit dwells in me, but I don't WANT to change my behaviors? I mean, eating disorders suck, but recovery sucks too. And I'm always so conflicted about it. And that's for another post.
I had a group project after that. We worked on it for a while, and we have an outline going, but I'm going to be working on it late tonight.
Had therapy tonight. It was good. We talked about a situation I'm in that's really toxic for my recovery, that my therapist wants me to get out of. But it's really complicated, and I don't think I can do that. She is also good friends with my Psychology of Women professor, so she said she would have no problem getting me an extension. That's one of the great things about having a therapist that used to work on campus - she has connections and can do things like that for me.
My therapist is also super concerned with me right now. I brought something up last session that I probably shouldn't have, but you know, honesty is supposed to be helpful for my recovery and shit. But anyways, one of the first things she said when I walked in was "I can tell you've lost weight." Which I mean, my weight fluctuates, like everyone else's, so I'm not concerned. But she attributed that to the "toxic" situation I'm in. She also doesn't approve of my 3 overnighters in a row, and thinks I'm going to have a hard attack from all the energy drinks and coffee I've been consuming, I told her that's fine with me.
I stopped by 7/11 on the home to pick up some coffee and some late night study snacks (I still have some energy drinks from last night, because I didn't drink ALL of them). I'm currently on my 3rd cup of coffee (I don't think my therapist would approve.... whoops). Me and the 7/11 lady have this ritual going on. She brews me a pot of pumpkin coffee each night, I buy the largest cup they have, and then she finishes the pot. It's a great bonding experience.
Now that I've bored you with my life, I'm going to eat dinner and work on my homework.
Comments are always appreciated. :)
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