A lot to update on

It's been a while since I've made a post (at least it feels like it). A lot has been going on, and I haven't really known where to start.

I guess first things first, I'm moving back home at the end of the week. I don't want to get into details (but you're welcome to ask me personally), but living situation I currently am has not been healthy for my physical or mental health lately. As my therapist would put it, it's "toxic" for me. I think the word choice was a little harsh, but I have to degree. My mental and physical state has declined. I can't blame it all on housing, but a lot of the things going on in our house have contributed to the stress and overwhelming thoughts and triggers that have been destructive towards my recovery. I'm anxious about moving home, but at the same time I'm hoping it may be a fresh start to get back on track. After all, I always feel good after visiting with my family.

I started seeing a new dietitian, Lindsey, who I've found tremendously helpful. She challenges me in ways I can't explain. For instance, she won't just take an answer from me and leave it at that, she tries to get me thinking. Example, I compulsively weigh myself, over 20x a day. She asked why I need to know the number that many times, and I told her it makes me feel less anxious about my weight. And she asks, "why?" And when I give an answer (or try to), she then asks again, "why?" She really challenges my thought process. She also doesn't go easy on me at all (but yet she's really encouraging at the same time). For instance, I did pretty bad last week in following my meal plan. There was one day I came close, but even then I didn't eat lunch. We talked about it for a while (like the whole session) while going over my logs, and she said that what I was doing was not acceptable. She knows it's hard, but she pushes me. She gave me a calorie range to aim for (because I'm so fixated on numbers, and the exchanges wasn't getting me far), and yesterday I actually met my goal! I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it again today, because I kind of freaked out over my weight. But at least I can say I did it once. And who knows, maybe I'll be able to do it again.

Therapy... well, to put it bluntly, my therapist wants me back in IP. I told her that wasn't going to happen, because I think I can do this on my own. But she's been very persistent about it. She then sent an email to my parents (and me) saying my entire team wanted me inpatient. I think I signed a release for her to talk to my parents, but still, I think that was a boundary she crossed. I'm not going IP, I don't need it, not now, and I think I can pull myself together. I decided I'm going to take a break from seeing Brenda for a while. Instead, I'm going to see a Christian counselor (she's not a therapist) because I think I need to try something new in terms of counseling/therapy, and I think faith needs to be a big part of my recovery. I'm not sure the frequency I'm going to see her, I'm still working that out with my parents. But I still have Brenda as a back up. She's going to see me once a month to check in with me and make sure I'm not back tracking and making some progress.

Finally, after lots of pressure from my team + advisor to withdrawal from the semester, I talked with my parents and we came to a compromise that I would drop 2 classes. I can technically only drop one class without withdrawing from the full semester (without a dean's exception), but my advisor thinks that with a medical note I'll get the exception. So my psychiatrist is working up a note for me to provide to the dean. The only downside is I'm not going to be graduating in December like I had hoped, but instead will be graduating in the Spring of 2016.

I think moving home, switching dietitians, change of pace with therapy/counseling, and dropping classes will really help in improving my current situation, mental, and physical.


  1. Glad to hear you're making such powerful changes in your life. You inspire me to work on myself, too, and reading this made me really happy. Best of luck to you <3

  2. Keep going! Remember, if you don't make the changes yourself, the only option might be to go inpatient. And I hear you do not want that. Been there for myself too.

  3. I'm sure you calorie goal is not high at all. Just think, in treatment, they get very high. I was once on a meal plan that was 3600 a day. What is the calorie goal your nutritionist gave you? Remember, if you did it once, you can do it again!!!

  4. Jessica (anewlife123)October 31, 2015 at 4:37 PM

    Since I can't comment on tumblr anymore I'll comment here. I really hope all of the changes help. Sometimes we just need a change of pace. Good for you for taking the initiative to make all of these changes happen. I hope everything works out with the dean's exception.

    1. Jessica (anewlife123)October 31, 2015 at 4:44 PM

      I wanted to add-it sucks that graduation has been pushed back its probably for the better. My undergrad took me 8 years and my master's degree took me 4 years but I'm really grateful I took my time because I learned valuable lessons that didn't come from classwork. Balancing school with health is really important. I've heard it a million times and I'm sure you've heard it as well but there is no use for an education if you are dead. You have to take care of yourself first. You will get there. Its just going to take time.