The Media.... Oh Boy

On Wednesday, in my Psychology of Women class, we talked about women and mental health, including eating disorders. They showed the following video...

...and basically the entire lecture is how the media is the biggest contributor to eating disorders.

Ugh. I strongly disagree. I never gave a shit about the media (pardon my language). I don't think I've ever compared my body to those in the media, or strived to look like someone in a magazine. Most of my body image problems in adolescents were influenced by my family's own body issues (my brothers were wrestlers, I was strongly influenced by my parents dieting and comments about bodies in general, etc.). That's not to say my family caused my eating disorder in any way, but my body image issues stemmed from my family.

It's not to say that the media doesn't influence girls at a young age, but I don't think it's a big predictor of an eating disorder. It may lay the groundwork for some insecurities. But never in treatment have I met someone who's eating disorder was caused by body image issues and the media. There are a lot of contributing factors to an eating disorder - psychological, environmental, genetics. They all play a role.

While body image was a big issue for me when I was in my early teens, I don't think that was the main cause of my disordered eating (however, I can't say it didn't contribute to the way my problems manifested). I think a lot of it had to do with low self esteem, not fitting in with my peers, low self-worth, and the changes I was going through during that time (physically, emotionally, and mentally).

But my eating disorder really spiraled after my family's trauma. Trauma is a huge contributing factor for many people's eating disorders (not all, but that's been a huge theme in treatment that I've seen). I wish my professor would have touched more on not necessarily every single contributing factor to eating disorders (because they're infinite - everyone's eating disorder starts differently), but on the fact that they're complex, and so many factors come together to start an eating disorder and maintain one.

I think talking about the media and eating disorders oversimplifies an eating disorder, and makes it seem like it's an easy fix. Just change the way the media portrays women, or boost your daughter's body image, and we can eliminate eating disorders? Nope. Again, that's not to say the media isn't a problem, and that it can't lay the groundwork for body image problems in young girls. But there's a huge difference between having bad body image (who doesn't?) and developing an eating disorder.

Art Therapy: Body Tracing

I don't think I have body image issues. I hate that I have a body and that I have to think about and take care of and deal with it, but I don't think I'm fat. I don't like my body, or having a body, but I've kind of accepted that it's always going to be that way.

Yesterday I had art therapy and we did a body tracing. I was reluctant, because my fear was that I was going to draw my body and then she was going to trace it, and it was going to be totally bigger than I thought. We decided that I wasn't going to draw my body, but instead she'd trace it and we'd go forward from there.

When I think of body tracings, my initial thought is most people think they're bigger than they are, and it's this big awakening moment where they find out that their body takes up less space than it actually does. That's not what happened for me. My body looked kind of like I expected it to, which was disappointing.

I don't think I'm fat, but I don't think I'm small. I think I'm average. I've been told that I'm small, and I wanted the image I saw to reflect what I've been told, or what my weight says. But it didn't. It was just an average body, with big hips and stubby legs. But I knew that I have stubby legs and big hips. I've been told that I have "child bearing hips" and I come from a family with short legs and big calves. Just to reiterate, I was disappointed that it wasn't a shocking moment where I was like "oh, I actually am small."

But enough about my body. After we did the whole point out what you like/dislike about your body thing, we did some collaging. I'm not sure what exactly I was supposed to do, but when I asked for clarification, she told me to do what I felt inclined to do. Basically I collaged the body with images that I felt represented different parts of my body, or emotions I felt in different parts of my body or in my head things that I thought about a lot.

The themes that came up were anger, death, anxiety, and I can't remember what else. I wish I had taken a picture so I could remember. She asked me about anger and if I feel anger a lot, and I told her I do, towards a lot of people. I feel like I'm filled with anger. I've worked a lot on managing my anger and taming it, and not expressing it physically. But it's still there, and sometimes it manifests itself as hurt, or hate towards myself.

I think next week we're going to do work on anger have, but I'm not really sure what that's going to look like.

Dove's Newest Campaign

Dove’s latest ad shows that grass is always greener when it comes to body image

How about we don't change how girls see themselves, but how they value themselves? I'm sick of hearing all these "everyone is beautiful" campaigns, because yeah, I do genuinely believe there's beauty in everyone. But why does that matter? Why do we place so much value on how the world, or we ourselves, see ourselves. Do we really want girls to think how they see themselves is what matters? Because it's not. You're valuable for reasons outside of how you look. What we really need to do is teach girls to find value in themselves, because that's what the real issue, I believe, is.

Family Time

 

Earlier this week, my mom sent me an e-mail with a pumpkin soup recipe, asking if I'd like to come over and help her make it. The answer was obviously yes, seeing as pumpkin was in the title of the recipe. We decided to meet up today, because yesterday was my sister Shannon's 15th birthday and my family was going to celebrate it tonight, so it seemed like a good time to meet up.

 

I met my mom at Wegman's so we could do grocery shopping for the week. My house that I live in does communal groceries, but lately it's just been better for me to do my own food stuff. It causes me a lot of anxiety not knowing what I'm going to have for a meal, or planning the day in advance what I'm going to have and then not having something available. Ideally, eating what the house eats would be moving in the right direction in terms of recovery, it's just been too much for me to handle recently. Plus, if I'm going to eat food, it's gotta be the best tasting food, because why waste calories on cardboard? (My roommates don't eat cardboard, but you know what I mean)

 

So we went shopping, and it was a pretty low stress trip, mostly because I didn't have a lot that I needed. And I've kind of gotten into a routine of what I need, which is helpful for right now. And then we came home and made soup.... well, I helped a little, but mostly I just hung around and goofed off. But hey, I only see my family a few times a month, so I like to be able to hang out with my siblings and chat and mess around with them.

 

I had a really good time hanging out with the family. As I posted on facebook, it's always so refreshing to spend time with my family. They are so amazing and supportive, and I couldn't ask for a better family. It's amazing how much things have changed. I spent so many years being resentful of my family, and I don't even know why, they never did anything wrong. Of course, there are things that I look back on and wish they did differently. But they're humans and imperfect, and they did the best they could with me and my siblings, and I can't thank them enough for doing their best.

 

Going home used to cause me so much anxiety. Especially when I lived in Texas. I always freaked out about the whole food aspect of things (where am I going to get my food? how am I going to prepare it when there are PEOPLE there? I can't be seen around food. I'm going to have to talk to people?) I also struggled with the fact that I was really deep in my ED at the time, and my parents weren't actively trying to "save me." We've talked about it in therapy, and I understand now that at points they didn't know how to help, or if it would worsen things. And there were times when I was so good at hiding it, that they didn't realize how bad it was.

 

A big reason that things have been different is because of the work I've done both in and out of treatment. My family therapist at ERC in Denver was amazing at getting me to be more open with my parents, and not allowing me to bullshit with them. But even since then, things have gotten so much better with my family. I think I've been more open with them about my struggles, and how they can help. And I've reached out to my parents more when things have felt out of my control. I definitely can't give myself all the credit though, I don't know if "changed" is the right word, but my parents have learned so much over the past two years about how they can help me, and have been way more active in my recovery. I don't know if that's because I've let them in more, or if they've stepped up more, or both.

 

Dinner with my family was great. I don't usually enjoy food unless I'm not sober, but as much as eating with people causes me anxiety, it DOES make it more enjoyable once I get passed the anxiety. I think the anxiety is more thinking about having to eat with people and thinking about the anxiety, so I get anxious over becoming anxious. But once I sit down and do it, it's okay. Eating with people is so helpful because I can think about the conversation rather than the calories that I'm shoving down my throat. I feel like I'm getting much better at contributing to the conversation when I'm eating with my family than I was even a few months ago. We even talked about athletes, and 300-lb football players, and beefing up, and it didn't make me cringe or turn me off food. I mean, we WERE talking about a vegan 300-lb football player, but still.

 

When I drove my sister to wawa earlier, I found this pumpkin cannoli dip & chips, and anyone who knows anything about me knows I'm obsessed with pumpkin. And I like the regular non pumpkin variety of it, so I thought I'd give this a try. It was good, like the normal kind, but definitely didn't taste like pumpkin.



 

Anyways, I'm so glad things have been better with my family. I'm growing to love and appreciate them more and more everyday. I used to think my siblings hated me (because I was pretty rotten when I was in my ED), but it always tickles my heart when my little brothers come up to me and give me an "I missed you" hug.

 

I like this image, because people are always like "try this guilt-free food" or "I'm so going to feel guilty after eating this," and other phrases like that. But I mean, it's food, you're not committing a mortal sin. In fact, your body NEEDS food to function. And eating a slice of cake once in a while won't kill you (in fact, I had to eat dessert every night for a few months, and I'm still kind of alive). So why should food make us feel guilty, if we're eating it in moderation? I mean, this is still something I struggle with, and I'm sure many people without eating disorders struggle with it too. But wouldn't it be wonderful if ALL foods were guilt free in our minds?

~~~
An anon on tumblr asked me:
"You're not trying to lose weight, but you're restricting?"

If you can earnestly ask this same question, you have a lot to learn about eating disorders. I'm too tired to give a long answer to this, just because this question has so much overwhelming content that I could reply with, but hopefully my blog gives some insight into the fact that eating disorders usually don't stem from wanting to lose weight (although they can definitely be part of the many triggers that trigger them).

~~~
I didn't do anything of note today. I'm still waiting to hear back from my therapist about that assignment. So I'm pretty anxious about that. I also started a new vLog. I used to have one that I made the first time I got out of treatment, but I hid most of the videos on there because I was kind of triggering to be honest (like talking about weight and stuff). It still exists, but I can no longer log on because I don't have the password or original email that I used to set it up.

That's okay though. I challenge you guys to find my new one (you probably won't - unless you know my old one, in which *hint hint*). I'm probably not going to talk about anything of note on there, since I'm using this. I'll probably just use it for fun.
~~~
I have a lot of recovery books that I've skimmed through and never really used. But I might see if some of them have some good journal prompts. I have a faith based one that I started using over the summer, but then got busy and stopped. I might start posting some of those again (I used to post them on my tumblr).

"You look good"

For someone with an eating disorder, you probably can understand the feelings that come with the comment above. Lately, I've been getting comments like this a lot. "You look good," "you look healthy," "you look sexy," etc. Comments that logically I know are meant to be a compliment, but end up fucking with my mind.

What does, "you look good" mean anyways? Did I not look good before? Do you mean I look good, like bigger, or smaller than I did? I look healthy? Like you mean pudgy? Because when I think of healthy I think of having excess fat on the body to protect itself, which isn't a bad thing, if you're not me. And sexy. You mean I have curves? I've always liked curves on other people, but on me? No way.

Getting comments on my body, in any shape or form messes with my mind. You could tell me I look skinny, and I'd feel uncomfortable. "You think I'm skinny now, you should have seen me when I weighed X." I hate talking about body image, because it's such a stereotype that eating disorders revolve around body image, because they don't. Body image just comes in the package.

I think one reason that body comments really bother me, is that I feel like it implies that the person thinks you're well. I've come a long way, but I'm not where I need to be. I still purge, I still restrict, I still over exercise, but not like I did before. I manage it. Yes, I'm weight restored, but the behaviors are still there. And my mood, that's a whole other story, that also relates to this post.

I along with the comment, "you look good," came the comment, "you look happy." But am I? Sure, I'm not confined to my bed curled up in a ball crying every day. I enjoy moments of my life. I know that I can feel happiness. But overall, am I really happy? I still have bouts of depression and hopelessness that can last up to a few weeks. I still view suicide as a fascinating option, as a viable way out. I'm still clinically depressed, even though I'm better. So how can I be happy?

I guess comments on my body and my state of being make me feel like I'm portraying this recovered individual, and that's all a lie. I'm "healthy" compared to where I was 2 years ago. I'm "happy" compared to where I was 2 years ago. Do I look good compared to where I was 2 years ago? My therapist would scream YES, but I don't buy it.

For anyone, does it bother you when people make comments about your appearance or state of happiness?

Also, click on join this site on the right column for updates from me.

P.S. If you've ever made any of the above comments to me, it's okay. You're not me, you don't have my brain, you can't know what I'm going to take the wrong way and how it's going to affect me.

[This post may be triggering for people, just putting that out there. No specific weights are mentioned, but weight is the topic of this post]


I'm feeling very crappy about my body today. I know bad body image is normal, and given the fact that I felt great in my body just last week, it, may possibly be teorary as well. But really cannot stand being on my body right now. Since being home (by home, I mean back at school) my weight has shot up 10 lbs. 10 lbs in 2 weeks. I am a short person, 5 lbs shows, 10 lbs makes a huge difference.

Rationally I know I could not have gained that much. I mean if we're following the whole 3500 kcal equals a lb rule, then I would have had to consume 35,000kcal in excess over the past two weeks. That's 2,500 kcal a day in addition to what my body needs to maintain.

Now playing it safe, lets say I really did screw up my metabolism and my body really does maintain on 1200 kcal (yes, I realize my body needs probably more than that to maintain.... this is just for the purpose of trying to console myself). That would mean I would have to have taken in 3,700 kcal every day, on average.

I have not taken in that many calories once, even on those nights where I have the "out of control eating." I may have come close, but not once have I had that many calories in one day.

So yes, I know the facts, I know the logic. This has to be water weight, right? But I feel gross. Disgusting. I've been wearing my "fat pants" the past few days. None of my normal jeans even fit without giving me rolls and, making me extremely uncomfortable. And these jeans were loose on me when I was home (not at school) over Christmas break.

Bottom line of this post. I feel fat. Yes, I said. I hate when people say it. But that's how I feel. I don't want people telling me I'm not fat, because I never said I was.