The Media.... Oh Boy

On Wednesday, in my Psychology of Women class, we talked about women and mental health, including eating disorders. They showed the following video...

...and basically the entire lecture is how the media is the biggest contributor to eating disorders.

Ugh. I strongly disagree. I never gave a shit about the media (pardon my language). I don't think I've ever compared my body to those in the media, or strived to look like someone in a magazine. Most of my body image problems in adolescents were influenced by my family's own body issues (my brothers were wrestlers, I was strongly influenced by my parents dieting and comments about bodies in general, etc.). That's not to say my family caused my eating disorder in any way, but my body image issues stemmed from my family.

It's not to say that the media doesn't influence girls at a young age, but I don't think it's a big predictor of an eating disorder. It may lay the groundwork for some insecurities. But never in treatment have I met someone who's eating disorder was caused by body image issues and the media. There are a lot of contributing factors to an eating disorder - psychological, environmental, genetics. They all play a role.

While body image was a big issue for me when I was in my early teens, I don't think that was the main cause of my disordered eating (however, I can't say it didn't contribute to the way my problems manifested). I think a lot of it had to do with low self esteem, not fitting in with my peers, low self-worth, and the changes I was going through during that time (physically, emotionally, and mentally).

But my eating disorder really spiraled after my family's trauma. Trauma is a huge contributing factor for many people's eating disorders (not all, but that's been a huge theme in treatment that I've seen). I wish my professor would have touched more on not necessarily every single contributing factor to eating disorders (because they're infinite - everyone's eating disorder starts differently), but on the fact that they're complex, and so many factors come together to start an eating disorder and maintain one.

I think talking about the media and eating disorders oversimplifies an eating disorder, and makes it seem like it's an easy fix. Just change the way the media portrays women, or boost your daughter's body image, and we can eliminate eating disorders? Nope. Again, that's not to say the media isn't a problem, and that it can't lay the groundwork for body image problems in young girls. But there's a huge difference between having bad body image (who doesn't?) and developing an eating disorder.

Alexa Penavega's Dancing with the Star's Representation of Bulimia

http://www.cosmopolitan.com/health-fitness/news/a49062/alexa-penavega-eating-disorder-dance/

 

An amazing representation of bulimia by Alexa Penavega on Dancing with the Stars. This dance really resonated with me. I feel like this can represent the possession of any addiction, whether it be an eating disorder, drugs, alcohol, gambling, etc. The way it takes over you and holds you and doesn't let you free. It controls you while you try to break free from it. Amazing to watch.

 

Dove's Newest Campaign

Dove’s latest ad shows that grass is always greener when it comes to body image

How about we don't change how girls see themselves, but how they value themselves? I'm sick of hearing all these "everyone is beautiful" campaigns, because yeah, I do genuinely believe there's beauty in everyone. But why does that matter? Why do we place so much value on how the world, or we ourselves, see ourselves. Do we really want girls to think how they see themselves is what matters? Because it's not. You're valuable for reasons outside of how you look. What we really need to do is teach girls to find value in themselves, because that's what the real issue, I believe, is.

Crazy Busy Day (and a lot of disgusting thoughts)

Today has been super busy. I attempted to wake up at 6 to finish my annotated bibliography so I would have time to workout, but I slept through my alarm and my mom calling me (yes, I have my mom call me when I need to wake up super early), and didn't get up until 7. I still finished the bibliography, and had time for breakfast and a shower, but not enough time to go to the gym.

I forgot to mention the other day, my professor approved my request for an extension on my paper and other project, so I'm super relieved about that. I have until Wednesday at 11 to finish it, but I don't know where I'm going to find the time to do that these next few days. I'm so busy, I hate it.

I had two back to back classes, got out at 11:50 and quickly bike home so that I could leave my house by noon. I had an orientation at Children's National Hospital that went a little over two hours, and I had to rush from there to Holy Cross Hospital where I volunteer, and ended up being 30min late (but my supervisor seemed understanding since I sent her an e-mail while I was at Children's National letting her know I was running behind).

Now I'm at Holy Cross "volunteering," but all of my duties have already been done by the volunteer who comes in during the morning. I feel like I'm just wasting time here sometimes, because now that I'm working in the afternoons, the morning person gets everything done. And it's slow enough on the unit that everything really only needs to get done once. My supervisor is cool and always tries to find me something to do, but she leaves at 3:30 (I get here at 3pm usually) and when she does find me something to do it doesn't take that long. Sometimes there are kids on the unit that I can play with and entertain, but lately it's been really slow.

Here I am just chilling in the playroom, while I wait for something exciting to happen (haha, that doesn't actually happen on this unit). I enjoy volunteering when there's things to do, but when I'm just sitting around, I feel like I'm just in everybody's way. Thank God for internet here.

 

After this I have to rush to a bible study that I've been going to. I've only been twice, but it's good so far, and the group seems pretty cohesive. I'm not quite comfortable with the people there yet, only because it takes me a while to get used to people, but they all seem friendly and welcoming. The one thing I hate though is when it's time to pray. We go around and pray together, and I get so embarrassed praying out loud, so I just squeeze the person's hand next to me so they know to go. But I feel bad not praying out loud when everyone else is. Usually it's just a small group of ladies that meet, but tonight it's a larger group that includes the guys too. I'm kind of nervous about meeting new people.

 

Straight after that I have to go to Silver Spring for my overnight babysitting job. I probably won't get there until at least 10, so the kids will be in bed and I might be able to get some homework done. But I have to get up at 6 in order to get myself ready, and then both the girls ready and fed, and get the one girl to school on time.

 

I somehow have to get home and pack in between all of this, and find time to eat dinner. I didn't really have lunch, I mean I ate a bar, but that technically doesn't have enough calories in it, and my breakfast wasn't that hearty either. I struggled a lot with eating the bar for lunch, because I got through the orientation without eating lunch (which ended around 2:45pm) and drove straight to Holy Cross after. I felt invincible, like I didn't need lunch since I already passed lunch time and wasn't really hungry. I knew a bar wouldn't hurt me, but I also drunk a lot of calories in alcohol last night, which really freaked me out today (even though the scale is fine). I ate it, because the most embarrassing thing ever would be passing out while at the hospital, but I'm still kind of like why did I do that?

 

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I'm still really nervous about starting Dine on Wednesday. I know I'm going to have to eat a real meal, and a caloric drink, and I don't really know what this "real meal" is going to consist of. At home, at least I know the amount of calories I'm going to consume, and I preplan my meals around my other meals. Alex (the leader) said she was going to let us know on Monday what we were going to be having for dinner on Wednesday, but I still haven't heard from her, and I'm getting nervous. I'm also really nervous because I have my dietician appointment on Thursday - the day after eating a normal meal. Normally I restrict before my appointments because I'm afraid I'm going to be weighed and my weights going to be way up there. Which doesn't make sense, because I weigh myself like 50x a day (I'm not kidding) and it's not like I'm on the high end of my range or anything.

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Sorry I just talked about that for a while, I'm just really anxious about that. I'm also really anxious about eating the next two days leading up to Dine, because I feel like I have to compensate for whatever we're going to eat that night.

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Ahhh, sorry. I need to stop talking about how anxious I am about this. I shouldn't be so worried. I've done treatment before, and I can always back out if it's too much (which I know would be a bad decision but I'm kind of conflicted about this whole thing anyways.

 

This is sick, and I've only admitted it on tumblr (where I talk about all the crazy things that go through my head, unfiltered), but I don't know that full recovery is possible for me. I read a research article about relapse in individuals with Anorexia Nervosa, and the relapse rate is so much higher in those with Binge-Purge Subtype (that's me), and are less likely to recover. That was pretty discouraging to read, but it makes a lot of sense that maybe I won't recover.

 

Okay, I didn't get to the sick and crazy messed up part yet. But part of me just wants to die. Not like in a suicide way. But I want to be dead. I want my eating disorder to kill me. I want to die from my eating disorder. I want it to kill me. I know I'm repeating myself, but it's a strong belief that I've had for a few years now. If I don't recover from it, if I can't truly be happy, this is how I want to die. That's depressing to hear, I'm sure. And like, don't freak out, it's mostly coming from feeling hopeless in terms of recovery, it's an easy way out of life. And the sick thing is, it means I won. Well, my eating disorder won. It means I did my eating disorder best. How disgusting is it that I have thoughts like that? That's not even rational, I can't even explain it to myself. It doesn't make sense in my head. I want to die, and I want my eating disorder to kill me.

 

But I have all these plans for my life, that requires living. Which is why I'm doing this Dine program, which is why I'm fighting reluctantly. I'm very reluctant. I don't have a lot of hope. I try to convince myself that I have hope by reading inspirational stories. But I'm different. I'm not going to recover. I have the kind of eating disorder that research shows people don't recover from (I mean some people do, but the odds are against me considering my subtype and how long I've struggled).

 

This post got super depressing and I'm sorry if you read through all of this. I hope this wasn't triggering to read or discouraging.

 

 

Everything is going to be okay

I think a really positive thing about going home this time was coming to the realization that my family will never be able to support me in the way that I crave. I have to take the initiative. If I need to buy food, I can’t just sit around an wait for my mom to suggest it, I have to step up to the plate (no pun intended) and ask for her to take me.

My recovery is mine. Not my mom’s, not my siblings, not my friends. If I need support, I have to ask for it. I also can’t just sit around waiting for them to give me that support. I still need to make the daily decisions to do what my body needs.

I don’t know that making the right choice will ever be easier, but it is a choice and if I want to recover I have to CHOOSE recovery EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

*Also as a side note: trying to be optimistic and focus on the positive, as opposed to dwelling on the negatives, really does make a huge difference. No it doesn’t negate the fact that there are still deeper struggles that I need to face, but going into it with a an attitude of “I can do this!” sure makes it a hell of a lot easier.