I met with my psychiatrist today and it was an interesting visit. Some background information. I stopped taking my meds on Sunday. Cold turkey. I was coming home from Boston early that morning, and I didn't want to consume anything because I wanted to be able to weigh myself when I got home with nothing in my stomach (I ended up drinking a diet coke on the plain, but that's a moot point). I don't know why, but after not having taken my meds on Sunday, I had no motivation to take them on Monday, or Tuesday, or Wednesday. I told her that I had "forgotten" but the story eventually came out. I got super sick on Monday, unsurprisingly, considering the amount of meds I'm on and how stopping cold turkey affects my brain chemistry.
My sleep has been so messed up since Sunday. I've been tired constantly, taking long but low quality (basically sleepless) naps during the day, and getting little to no sleep at night. I'll go to sleep and literally wake up every hour if not more, and it takes me forever to fall back asleep. We talked about this and how my circadian rhythm was screwed up. Likely from withdrawing from medication that a.) makes me more sleepy in general, and b.) some of which help with sleep. But also because depression in general makes you more tired, which is what makes me constantly tired and feeling like I need to nap during the day, which throws off my circadian rhythm making it difficult if not impossible to sleep at night.
We then had a long discussion about my motivation behind not taking medication. She saw right through me and knew that I hadn't "forgotten" my meds the following days. She talked to me about the different reasons why people fail to take their medication, something that ultimately makes them feel better. Some reasons were control, apathy or ambivalence towards feeling/getting better, fear of getting better, etc. The ambivalence and fear of being okay kind of resonated with me. It kind of parallels to my eating disorder. I'm so ambivalent towards recovery from my eating disorder, mostly because of fear of what I'm letting go of. The same holds true for medication, not so much in the sense of "letting go" of something that keeps me safe. But I'm so used to being sick in my head that going back to feeling like shit feels comfortable. I don't know why, but it is also somewhat scary to be okay. Why? It doesn't make sense. But she said it wasn't uncommon. As miserable and depressed and anxious as I am without my medication, it feels right. And a few days of not taking my medication, and feeling a huge dip in my mood, just made me feel somewhat safe and at home. I know it doesn't make sense the way I'm explaining it, but when we talked about it, it made a whole lot more sense.
We talked about what we would do going forward from here. I'm apathetic towards taking my medication right now. She said she would support me with any decision I decided to go. So basically we decided to go off of my Luvox, Abilify, Lexapro, and Trazadone, and to keep the Klonopin and Focalin. That was my decision. I'm not sure how I pulled that one over her, considering the Klonopin and Focalin are my two "abusable" and controlled substances. But whatever, she was cool with it. She said as long as I promised to be smart about it, and to come back in if my suicidal thoughts became more than just "fleeting" thoughts.
As okay as I'd been the past few days with not taking my medication, I kind of left with a bit of a pit in my stomach. Like maybe I made a bad decision. I could have had her prescribe my meds, and chosen from there whether I wanted to get them filled, or even get them filled and decided from there whether to take them. But no, I totally gave up 4 of my meds which keep my mind somewhat sane. I felt somewhat like I was giving up. I almost cried over it on the way home, because in a way I felt like I was "grieving" my medication. Which is somewhat silly. But again, it does keep my mood relatively okay, and I'm giving that up.
So basically I just dropped 2/3's of my medication. I'm not sure how okay with it I am, but at the same time I take comfort in knowing that I can go back to my depressed, miserable, and anxious state. It's sick to say and to think, but part of me is looking forward to feeling the missed hole and darkness in my life that consumed me. It feels like I'm back at home, where I belong.
Showing posts with label social anxiety. Show all posts
Showing posts with label social anxiety. Show all posts
Family Time
Earlier this week, my mom sent me an e-mail with a pumpkin soup recipe, asking if I'd like to come over and help her make it. The answer was obviously yes, seeing as pumpkin was in the title of the recipe. We decided to meet up today, because yesterday was my sister Shannon's 15th birthday and my family was going to celebrate it tonight, so it seemed like a good time to meet up.
I met my mom at Wegman's so we could do grocery shopping for the week. My house that I live in does communal groceries, but lately it's just been better for me to do my own food stuff. It causes me a lot of anxiety not knowing what I'm going to have for a meal, or planning the day in advance what I'm going to have and then not having something available. Ideally, eating what the house eats would be moving in the right direction in terms of recovery, it's just been too much for me to handle recently. Plus, if I'm going to eat food, it's gotta be the best tasting food, because why waste calories on cardboard? (My roommates don't eat cardboard, but you know what I mean)
So we went shopping, and it was a pretty low stress trip, mostly because I didn't have a lot that I needed. And I've kind of gotten into a routine of what I need, which is helpful for right now. And then we came home and made soup.... well, I helped a little, but mostly I just hung around and goofed off. But hey, I only see my family a few times a month, so I like to be able to hang out with my siblings and chat and mess around with them.
I had a really good time hanging out with the family. As I posted on facebook, it's always so refreshing to spend time with my family. They are so amazing and supportive, and I couldn't ask for a better family. It's amazing how much things have changed. I spent so many years being resentful of my family, and I don't even know why, they never did anything wrong. Of course, there are things that I look back on and wish they did differently. But they're humans and imperfect, and they did the best they could with me and my siblings, and I can't thank them enough for doing their best.
Going home used to cause me so much anxiety. Especially when I lived in Texas. I always freaked out about the whole food aspect of things (where am I going to get my food? how am I going to prepare it when there are PEOPLE there? I can't be seen around food. I'm going to have to talk to people?) I also struggled with the fact that I was really deep in my ED at the time, and my parents weren't actively trying to "save me." We've talked about it in therapy, and I understand now that at points they didn't know how to help, or if it would worsen things. And there were times when I was so good at hiding it, that they didn't realize how bad it was.
A big reason that things have been different is because of the work I've done both in and out of treatment. My family therapist at ERC in Denver was amazing at getting me to be more open with my parents, and not allowing me to bullshit with them. But even since then, things have gotten so much better with my family. I think I've been more open with them about my struggles, and how they can help. And I've reached out to my parents more when things have felt out of my control. I definitely can't give myself all the credit though, I don't know if "changed" is the right word, but my parents have learned so much over the past two years about how they can help me, and have been way more active in my recovery. I don't know if that's because I've let them in more, or if they've stepped up more, or both.
Dinner with my family was great. I don't usually enjoy food unless I'm not sober, but as much as eating with people causes me anxiety, it DOES make it more enjoyable once I get passed the anxiety. I think the anxiety is more thinking about having to eat with people and thinking about the anxiety, so I get anxious over becoming anxious. But once I sit down and do it, it's okay. Eating with people is so helpful because I can think about the conversation rather than the calories that I'm shoving down my throat. I feel like I'm getting much better at contributing to the conversation when I'm eating with my family than I was even a few months ago. We even talked about athletes, and 300-lb football players, and beefing up, and it didn't make me cringe or turn me off food. I mean, we WERE talking about a vegan 300-lb football player, but still.
When I drove my sister to wawa earlier, I found this pumpkin cannoli dip & chips, and anyone who knows anything about me knows I'm obsessed with pumpkin. And I like the regular non pumpkin variety of it, so I thought I'd give this a try. It was good, like the normal kind, but definitely didn't taste like pumpkin.
Anyways, I'm so glad things have been better with my family. I'm growing to love and appreciate them more and more everyday. I used to think my siblings hated me (because I was pretty rotten when I was in my ED), but it always tickles my heart when my little brothers come up to me and give me an "I missed you" hug.
I have a social life?
I know, I just posted. But I feel like I should actually make a post about something.
I get discouraged a lot about where I am in life, and how few friends I have, and how I'm so far behind socially than most people my age. But considering where I was 2 years ago, I really can't complain. Anti-social doesn't even begin to describe what I was a few years ago. People toss around phrases of being anti-social all the time, but I doubt very few of those people actually uses it literally.
As background information, from the summer of 2012 until January of 2014 when I went to treatment in Denver, I literally lived in my room. I went to work, and went to school, but my interactions with people were very few and far in between. I NEVER would have initiated a friendship, and in the rare event I was invited to do something, I would always turn them down because being around people outside of the professional setting was SCARY. When I say I lived in my room, I mean I would come out of my room to go to work/school, would walk straight past my siblings/parents and completely ignore them, and after work/school I would come straight home and go to my room. I had a fridge and toaster oven in my room so I didn't have to come out and be around people. People talk about social anxiety casually, but I was literally afraid of talking to people, even my own family.
I'm an entirely different person now, and sometimes I lose sight of how far I've come. Yes, I still consider myself "anti-social" but not in the literal sense like I used to. I spend a lot of time by myself, but that's because I need that. But I also do things with other people, and sometimes I even initiate it. It still causes me anxiety to go to parties or social gatherings where there are people I don't know, but I do it anyways.
Lately, my social life has been emerging. I do things on weekends with people now. Last week I went to the renaissance festival with my roommate and 2 friends, and I wasn't the awkwardly silent tag-a-long that I always fear I'm going to be, but I contributed to the conversation. Yesterday I went to a festival with my roommate and a FRIEND (I have some of those now), and walked around. And then me and my roommate drove to Jiffy Lube Live for a Brad Paisley concert (and had an awesome time! At least I did).
It's weird thinking about what a different life I live now. I still struggle with depression and social anxiety, and isolating is a huge temptation. But I've found that I do enjoy being around other people (for non-extensive amounts of time), and even if it causes me anxiety, I can still do it. It blows my mind that a few years ago I felt so hopeless about ever being able to be around people, and how isolated I was. There are still people that I'm scared to be around, but I've taken steps to overcome that. This summer I went on my first vacation since 2009, which was really scary for me, but I did it. I never thought I'd do that again.
I guess as I reflect on what I just wrote, I think about the areas in my life where I feel discouraged, like I'm not where I want to be yet, or that I'm never going to overcome certain obstacles. But I never thought I'd be where I am now socially. And even though I have some more hurdles to jump in that department, I should be proud of my accomplishments.
I get discouraged a lot about where I am in life, and how few friends I have, and how I'm so far behind socially than most people my age. But considering where I was 2 years ago, I really can't complain. Anti-social doesn't even begin to describe what I was a few years ago. People toss around phrases of being anti-social all the time, but I doubt very few of those people actually uses it literally.
As background information, from the summer of 2012 until January of 2014 when I went to treatment in Denver, I literally lived in my room. I went to work, and went to school, but my interactions with people were very few and far in between. I NEVER would have initiated a friendship, and in the rare event I was invited to do something, I would always turn them down because being around people outside of the professional setting was SCARY. When I say I lived in my room, I mean I would come out of my room to go to work/school, would walk straight past my siblings/parents and completely ignore them, and after work/school I would come straight home and go to my room. I had a fridge and toaster oven in my room so I didn't have to come out and be around people. People talk about social anxiety casually, but I was literally afraid of talking to people, even my own family.
I'm an entirely different person now, and sometimes I lose sight of how far I've come. Yes, I still consider myself "anti-social" but not in the literal sense like I used to. I spend a lot of time by myself, but that's because I need that. But I also do things with other people, and sometimes I even initiate it. It still causes me anxiety to go to parties or social gatherings where there are people I don't know, but I do it anyways.
Lately, my social life has been emerging. I do things on weekends with people now. Last week I went to the renaissance festival with my roommate and 2 friends, and I wasn't the awkwardly silent tag-a-long that I always fear I'm going to be, but I contributed to the conversation. Yesterday I went to a festival with my roommate and a FRIEND (I have some of those now), and walked around. And then me and my roommate drove to Jiffy Lube Live for a Brad Paisley concert (and had an awesome time! At least I did).
It's weird thinking about what a different life I live now. I still struggle with depression and social anxiety, and isolating is a huge temptation. But I've found that I do enjoy being around other people (for non-extensive amounts of time), and even if it causes me anxiety, I can still do it. It blows my mind that a few years ago I felt so hopeless about ever being able to be around people, and how isolated I was. There are still people that I'm scared to be around, but I've taken steps to overcome that. This summer I went on my first vacation since 2009, which was really scary for me, but I did it. I never thought I'd do that again.
I guess as I reflect on what I just wrote, I think about the areas in my life where I feel discouraged, like I'm not where I want to be yet, or that I'm never going to overcome certain obstacles. But I never thought I'd be where I am now socially. And even though I have some more hurdles to jump in that department, I should be proud of my accomplishments.