I did it

I don't want to say it was awful, but it really sucked. We went to Chevy's, and weren't really given an option of what to get other than the protein, which obviously I'm a vegetarian so I couldn't choose. On the bright side, the vegetarian option had no cheese in it, so that was a relief. It was still a ton of food, and I was over full. Like a 10 on the scale (10 equals stuffed beyond belief, 1 equals starving).

I went into the meal at a 2, because I didn't eat all day to compensate for the amount of calories I'd be consuming later. I had to get a combo dish, so I got 2 vegetarian enchiladas (with surprisingly just veggies and no cheese in it), which came with a side of rice, black beans, and this cornbread thing. I also got a caloric drink - mango lemonade. I just can't wrap my head around drinking a non diet soda.



We processed the meal before and after, which I didn't find particularly helpful. I think because both of us were really struggling with the meal before hand and after. The process f eating the actual meal wasn't as bad as I thought, but afterwards I felt awful, physically and emotionally.

It helped to get my mind off of it with our next activity, a gratitude journal. It helped me get my mind off the meal and focus on positivity. I'm still pretty bitter that I had to eat that, and I weighed myself when I got home and obviously weighed more than I did before I ate it. I'm just scared that my weight is going to be up tomorrow morning.

Okay, now I'm actually flipping out (*tw* calories)

I have Dine tomorrow night The 3 hour program that includes dinner. Last week the meal was super easy, like I wouldn't have eaten it at home, but it's nothing I would have flipped out about.

But I got a text from Alex (leader) this afternoon saying we're going to Chevy's. Chevy's. I looked up the calories (which I know I'm not supposed to) and all the entrees are like 1000+ calories, not kidding. And we have to drink a caloric drink on top of that.

I texted Alex, "Hi Alex, sorry to bother you. I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I'm looking at the calorie count of the entrees at Chevy's and they're really high. Are we going to have to eat an entire entrée?"

To which she replied, "Hi Sarah. I know it's really really tough not to look up menu items beforehand and I know you may be feeling anxious. Try to remember, it's just one dinner. We can talk about this tomorrow before the meal too."

She's going to make us eat the entire entrée. Like, I don't know how I'm going to do that. That's a freaking shit ton of calories, and more than I eat in one day. Plus a caloric drink on top. Like I'm totally flipping out. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't want to do it, it's freaking me out. How can I eat all that in one meal???

I know it's not helping my recovery, but I'm seriously considering supplementing it (for those of you not familiar with treatment terminology, that means drinking an extremely highly caloric shake in place of the meal) because that would be less calories. And I know if I do that they're going to question whether or not I should be in the program.

But I can't do eat that much. Like I'm going to have to skip breakfast and lunch for this. I'm literally just going to fill up on coffee and diet coke tomorrow, and even then that's more than I'm okay with eating. I know I'm supposed to be moving towards recovery, but this is too much. I'd honestly rather eat pizza (which is a fear food).

I feel so immature right now, but I don't wanna do this. I can't.

What a bad appointment

Oh gosh, I don't even know where to start. I had therapy today, and it really sucked. We had a lot to talk about, and my therapist was really firm with me. Basically we talked about the whole crisis that happened on Wednesday, and how I've not been doing well. She talked about how my judgement is impaired because I'm making bad decisions like not sleeping, overdosing on medications and caffeine, and not filling my prescriptions. I told her that I made a conscious decision last night to go to bed, even though I wanted to pull another. But then I told her I regretted not pulling the allnighters, and she used that as a way to defend her stance. She asked me if I was drinking my boosts (which I'm pretty sure was optional), and I told them I left them at my mom's house. 

Regardless of all that, she blatantly said she wants me inpatient. She said she's scared for my safety right now because my load isn't getting easier (even though I quit my babysitting job??), and I'm in a "fragile state." She asked me what I was eating the past couple of days and she wasn't impressed (I mean, I'm not too impressed with myself either). I tried reassuring her that I'm going to be fine. I mean, I'm in the process of interviewing dietitians, I just started Dine, and I'm looking into art therapy. She's still not convinced, but she can't make me do something I'm not going to do, unless she gets a court order, which I don't think she can do on me because I'm mentally stable, and not in medical danger.

We also talked about this dangerous situation that I'm sort of trapped in. I can't explain the details, because I respect the people involved. But it's really taking a tol on me.

Anyways, it was a hard session. And I feel guilty for going against what my therapist wants me to do, but I know I'm safe. And to be honest, I almost don't care that I'm not eating enough. Like I want to recover, kind of, but I don't want to take the actions to do it. I just want to make everyone else happy. 

Why so scary?

I'm so scared of recovery. I'm resisting it. I crave my illness. It keeps me safe. It's so miserable,bbut comforting at the same time. I'm afraid to let go. I crave sickness. I crave death. I want to be happy, but this is what I know. I'm terrified of doing the right thing, and I don't even know what the right thing is. I don't want to go back to treatment, but recovery seems so far fetched. Like I'm not doing terrible. I'm straddling the line. One foot in, one foot out. Even if I truly wanted to recover, like 100%, I don't think I could. I'm so conflicted because I want a life, but I'm scared of not having one. I feel so inadequate. I'm such a worthless person. And I know I'm not supposed to say that, but that's how I feel. I don't value myself, I wish I could, but I can't. I don't care about being beautiful, and my fear of gaining weight isn't because I don't want to be fat, but because that's letting my illness slip away. Part of me regrets going back to therapy, going to treatment, admitting to this dumb program that I'm going to tonight. im supposed to want to be in the program to go be in it, but I don't know if I do. I'm doing it because I need support, but why do I need support if I don't want to move forward. I feel so guilty for being a bad person, and not wanting recovery. I've done so much work, and I've proved to myself that I can do things that I never thought I could do. But I'm scared of where I am. I'm "healthy," but I'm not. I'm just not sick. My mind is sick, but I'm not. It's so fucked up, I feel so alone. I'm having a hard time dealing with my emotions, and being sick gives me an excuse to have a fucked up mind. I'm sorry I'm cussing, I'm supposed to be a Christian, but I suck at that. I'm scared to go to program tonight. That's a step forward, a step into forbidden territory. I've done treatment before, and I've wanted it before, but I don't right now. I just want to do all the things that kill my body - I'm tormenting myself, and I'm doing it on purpose. Not sleeping, not eating enough, smoking too much, drinking, OD'ing on shit that fucks with my heart and liver, using too much caffeine, over exercising when I have time. Why do I do this to myself? I hate that I hate myself so much that I can't respect my body. I'm a hypocrite. I preach recovery and inspiration, but I'm not living it. I don't want to live it. I just want to stay out of a higher level of care.

Crazy Busy Day (and a lot of disgusting thoughts)

Today has been super busy. I attempted to wake up at 6 to finish my annotated bibliography so I would have time to workout, but I slept through my alarm and my mom calling me (yes, I have my mom call me when I need to wake up super early), and didn't get up until 7. I still finished the bibliography, and had time for breakfast and a shower, but not enough time to go to the gym.

I forgot to mention the other day, my professor approved my request for an extension on my paper and other project, so I'm super relieved about that. I have until Wednesday at 11 to finish it, but I don't know where I'm going to find the time to do that these next few days. I'm so busy, I hate it.

I had two back to back classes, got out at 11:50 and quickly bike home so that I could leave my house by noon. I had an orientation at Children's National Hospital that went a little over two hours, and I had to rush from there to Holy Cross Hospital where I volunteer, and ended up being 30min late (but my supervisor seemed understanding since I sent her an e-mail while I was at Children's National letting her know I was running behind).

Now I'm at Holy Cross "volunteering," but all of my duties have already been done by the volunteer who comes in during the morning. I feel like I'm just wasting time here sometimes, because now that I'm working in the afternoons, the morning person gets everything done. And it's slow enough on the unit that everything really only needs to get done once. My supervisor is cool and always tries to find me something to do, but she leaves at 3:30 (I get here at 3pm usually) and when she does find me something to do it doesn't take that long. Sometimes there are kids on the unit that I can play with and entertain, but lately it's been really slow.

Here I am just chilling in the playroom, while I wait for something exciting to happen (haha, that doesn't actually happen on this unit). I enjoy volunteering when there's things to do, but when I'm just sitting around, I feel like I'm just in everybody's way. Thank God for internet here.

 

After this I have to rush to a bible study that I've been going to. I've only been twice, but it's good so far, and the group seems pretty cohesive. I'm not quite comfortable with the people there yet, only because it takes me a while to get used to people, but they all seem friendly and welcoming. The one thing I hate though is when it's time to pray. We go around and pray together, and I get so embarrassed praying out loud, so I just squeeze the person's hand next to me so they know to go. But I feel bad not praying out loud when everyone else is. Usually it's just a small group of ladies that meet, but tonight it's a larger group that includes the guys too. I'm kind of nervous about meeting new people.

 

Straight after that I have to go to Silver Spring for my overnight babysitting job. I probably won't get there until at least 10, so the kids will be in bed and I might be able to get some homework done. But I have to get up at 6 in order to get myself ready, and then both the girls ready and fed, and get the one girl to school on time.

 

I somehow have to get home and pack in between all of this, and find time to eat dinner. I didn't really have lunch, I mean I ate a bar, but that technically doesn't have enough calories in it, and my breakfast wasn't that hearty either. I struggled a lot with eating the bar for lunch, because I got through the orientation without eating lunch (which ended around 2:45pm) and drove straight to Holy Cross after. I felt invincible, like I didn't need lunch since I already passed lunch time and wasn't really hungry. I knew a bar wouldn't hurt me, but I also drunk a lot of calories in alcohol last night, which really freaked me out today (even though the scale is fine). I ate it, because the most embarrassing thing ever would be passing out while at the hospital, but I'm still kind of like why did I do that?

 

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I'm still really nervous about starting Dine on Wednesday. I know I'm going to have to eat a real meal, and a caloric drink, and I don't really know what this "real meal" is going to consist of. At home, at least I know the amount of calories I'm going to consume, and I preplan my meals around my other meals. Alex (the leader) said she was going to let us know on Monday what we were going to be having for dinner on Wednesday, but I still haven't heard from her, and I'm getting nervous. I'm also really nervous because I have my dietician appointment on Thursday - the day after eating a normal meal. Normally I restrict before my appointments because I'm afraid I'm going to be weighed and my weights going to be way up there. Which doesn't make sense, because I weigh myself like 50x a day (I'm not kidding) and it's not like I'm on the high end of my range or anything.

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Sorry I just talked about that for a while, I'm just really anxious about that. I'm also really anxious about eating the next two days leading up to Dine, because I feel like I have to compensate for whatever we're going to eat that night.

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Ahhh, sorry. I need to stop talking about how anxious I am about this. I shouldn't be so worried. I've done treatment before, and I can always back out if it's too much (which I know would be a bad decision but I'm kind of conflicted about this whole thing anyways.

 

This is sick, and I've only admitted it on tumblr (where I talk about all the crazy things that go through my head, unfiltered), but I don't know that full recovery is possible for me. I read a research article about relapse in individuals with Anorexia Nervosa, and the relapse rate is so much higher in those with Binge-Purge Subtype (that's me), and are less likely to recover. That was pretty discouraging to read, but it makes a lot of sense that maybe I won't recover.

 

Okay, I didn't get to the sick and crazy messed up part yet. But part of me just wants to die. Not like in a suicide way. But I want to be dead. I want my eating disorder to kill me. I want to die from my eating disorder. I want it to kill me. I know I'm repeating myself, but it's a strong belief that I've had for a few years now. If I don't recover from it, if I can't truly be happy, this is how I want to die. That's depressing to hear, I'm sure. And like, don't freak out, it's mostly coming from feeling hopeless in terms of recovery, it's an easy way out of life. And the sick thing is, it means I won. Well, my eating disorder won. It means I did my eating disorder best. How disgusting is it that I have thoughts like that? That's not even rational, I can't even explain it to myself. It doesn't make sense in my head. I want to die, and I want my eating disorder to kill me.

 

But I have all these plans for my life, that requires living. Which is why I'm doing this Dine program, which is why I'm fighting reluctantly. I'm very reluctant. I don't have a lot of hope. I try to convince myself that I have hope by reading inspirational stories. But I'm different. I'm not going to recover. I have the kind of eating disorder that research shows people don't recover from (I mean some people do, but the odds are against me considering my subtype and how long I've struggled).

 

This post got super depressing and I'm sorry if you read through all of this. I hope this wasn't triggering to read or discouraging.

 

 

Dine Monte Nido

I've been thinking about how I wanted to post this, or if I wanted to post it, but I feel like if you're following my life, this is kind of an important detail that may be relevant for future posts. Basically I'm starting Monte Nido's Dine program on Wednesday, October 7. I feel kind of weird posting it because I've been in and out of IOP/PHP/Res/IP/etc. for a while, and it's like, again?

Only this is different. Monte Nido is a treatment program that I believe started in California by Carolyn Costin (author of 8 keys to recovery from an eating disorder), and Dine is an affiliate of her program. It's only a one day program, and it's 3 hours long and includes dinner. The program is meant for people who want to recover and want to be there, as opposed to other programs I've been in where a lot of people are there because they're forced to be there.

I have a lot of apprehensions about starting the program. One of them is the leader, Alex Raymond, a new nutritionist that works for Rebecca Bitzer. Background info - Rebecca Bitzer is my old dietician, who also used to lead a group that Alex would sometimes run with her. Alex was also a student at UMD my first semester (when I was pretty bad in my ED). I was a nutrition major at the time (lol), and I think it was Alex's last semester there as a nutrition major. I went to their nutrition club one time, realized that I felt so awkward there because talking about food used to freak me out (why was I a nutrition major??), and didn't go back. Alex was also the leader of the nutrition club. I don't know if she remembers me, but it's just weird going to a program lead by a prior peer. And it's also going to be weird going to a program lead by a nutritionist rather than a therapist, because I feel like a lot of the group topics will be therapy issues?

Another apprehension is that the meals don't go by exchanges, they go by what is a "normal meal." I can't even remember eating a meal without either counting the calorie content, or counting exchanges (while still counting calories, because I can't eat something without calculating the calories in my head). So like, how am I supposed to know if I'm eating what fits into my meal plan (not like I follow my meal plan anyways, but I most certainly don't want to go over)?

And going along with the whole meal situation, it is required that everyone have a caloric drink with their meal. I know I shouldn't be as scared of caloric beverages as I am, but ahhhh. Like I can drink caloric beverages in certain situations. For instance, sometimes I drink soy milk with breakfast, but that's only if it fits into my allowed calories. Or I'll drink alcoholic beverages occasionally, but again, only if I underrate that day, because again, calories. I mean, why drink my calories if I can get just as many calories from food? I know it's possible for me to do the whole liquid calorie thing, because in past treatments I've done them. But it's always somehow fit into my meal plan (e.g. if I need a dairy, I'll have soy milk, if I need a fruit, I'll have coconut juice, etc.). I talked with the intake director about it, who said it was a common concern for people (which I knew), and that most people get used to it after a few weeks. But I still can't even wrap my mind around drinking COW'S milk, or non-diet soda. I hope we can at least choose something that's not so "scary."

I'm also nervous because the intake director said the program is for people who want to be there. I want to be there, but I want not to be there. I'm so conflicted in terms of recovery. I feel really stuck. Like I might have a good week, but then I have a bad week. I'm making no progress, and am constantly going back and forth. I don't know what I want. I'm exhausted. But I don't want to live with an eating disorder, because it's not living. I just feel really hopeless in terms of recovery and motivation. But the intake director thinks this might be a good fit for me, because I'll be surrounded by people who want to recover, and I can gain strength and motivation from them. I hope he's right.

I want to give the program a shot, but I've been kicked out of programs before due to non-compliance, and I've faked my way through programs before, and there have been times where I felt like I was really taking it in but still relapsed. I need this time to be different. I don't have time in my life to waste on an eating disorder. I feel like I need more support than I have now, but I don't have time for IOP/DAY/PHP/etc., so this needs to work. I have my future all planned out. Graduate in December, work in the spring and summer while accumulating volunteer hours, practicum over the summer, start grad school in the Fall. I don't have time in my life to backtrack and end up in a higher level of care.

Sorry this was a long post. I think I could use some encouragement, because I feel discouraged and unmotivated, and really ashamed of doing a program again when I've done them so many times. I'm scared this isn't going to work, or that I'm not going to be able to persevere.

Also, if you do the whole prayer thing, pray that I would really dive into this program and give it everything. And that I can be honest with my team about things, because I've been struggling with that too. And pray that I'll be motivated and encouraged by the other ladies in treatment.