I did it

I don't want to say it was awful, but it really sucked. We went to Chevy's, and weren't really given an option of what to get other than the protein, which obviously I'm a vegetarian so I couldn't choose. On the bright side, the vegetarian option had no cheese in it, so that was a relief. It was still a ton of food, and I was over full. Like a 10 on the scale (10 equals stuffed beyond belief, 1 equals starving).

I went into the meal at a 2, because I didn't eat all day to compensate for the amount of calories I'd be consuming later. I had to get a combo dish, so I got 2 vegetarian enchiladas (with surprisingly just veggies and no cheese in it), which came with a side of rice, black beans, and this cornbread thing. I also got a caloric drink - mango lemonade. I just can't wrap my head around drinking a non diet soda.



We processed the meal before and after, which I didn't find particularly helpful. I think because both of us were really struggling with the meal before hand and after. The process f eating the actual meal wasn't as bad as I thought, but afterwards I felt awful, physically and emotionally.

It helped to get my mind off of it with our next activity, a gratitude journal. It helped me get my mind off the meal and focus on positivity. I'm still pretty bitter that I had to eat that, and I weighed myself when I got home and obviously weighed more than I did before I ate it. I'm just scared that my weight is going to be up tomorrow morning.

Okay, now I'm actually flipping out (*tw* calories)

I have Dine tomorrow night The 3 hour program that includes dinner. Last week the meal was super easy, like I wouldn't have eaten it at home, but it's nothing I would have flipped out about.

But I got a text from Alex (leader) this afternoon saying we're going to Chevy's. Chevy's. I looked up the calories (which I know I'm not supposed to) and all the entrees are like 1000+ calories, not kidding. And we have to drink a caloric drink on top of that.

I texted Alex, "Hi Alex, sorry to bother you. I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I'm looking at the calorie count of the entrees at Chevy's and they're really high. Are we going to have to eat an entire entrée?"

To which she replied, "Hi Sarah. I know it's really really tough not to look up menu items beforehand and I know you may be feeling anxious. Try to remember, it's just one dinner. We can talk about this tomorrow before the meal too."

She's going to make us eat the entire entrée. Like, I don't know how I'm going to do that. That's a freaking shit ton of calories, and more than I eat in one day. Plus a caloric drink on top. Like I'm totally flipping out. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't want to do it, it's freaking me out. How can I eat all that in one meal???

I know it's not helping my recovery, but I'm seriously considering supplementing it (for those of you not familiar with treatment terminology, that means drinking an extremely highly caloric shake in place of the meal) because that would be less calories. And I know if I do that they're going to question whether or not I should be in the program.

But I can't do eat that much. Like I'm going to have to skip breakfast and lunch for this. I'm literally just going to fill up on coffee and diet coke tomorrow, and even then that's more than I'm okay with eating. I know I'm supposed to be moving towards recovery, but this is too much. I'd honestly rather eat pizza (which is a fear food).

I feel so immature right now, but I don't wanna do this. I can't.