I did it

I don't want to say it was awful, but it really sucked. We went to Chevy's, and weren't really given an option of what to get other than the protein, which obviously I'm a vegetarian so I couldn't choose. On the bright side, the vegetarian option had no cheese in it, so that was a relief. It was still a ton of food, and I was over full. Like a 10 on the scale (10 equals stuffed beyond belief, 1 equals starving).

I went into the meal at a 2, because I didn't eat all day to compensate for the amount of calories I'd be consuming later. I had to get a combo dish, so I got 2 vegetarian enchiladas (with surprisingly just veggies and no cheese in it), which came with a side of rice, black beans, and this cornbread thing. I also got a caloric drink - mango lemonade. I just can't wrap my head around drinking a non diet soda.



We processed the meal before and after, which I didn't find particularly helpful. I think because both of us were really struggling with the meal before hand and after. The process f eating the actual meal wasn't as bad as I thought, but afterwards I felt awful, physically and emotionally.

It helped to get my mind off of it with our next activity, a gratitude journal. It helped me get my mind off the meal and focus on positivity. I'm still pretty bitter that I had to eat that, and I weighed myself when I got home and obviously weighed more than I did before I ate it. I'm just scared that my weight is going to be up tomorrow morning.

Okay, now I'm actually flipping out (*tw* calories)

I have Dine tomorrow night The 3 hour program that includes dinner. Last week the meal was super easy, like I wouldn't have eaten it at home, but it's nothing I would have flipped out about.

But I got a text from Alex (leader) this afternoon saying we're going to Chevy's. Chevy's. I looked up the calories (which I know I'm not supposed to) and all the entrees are like 1000+ calories, not kidding. And we have to drink a caloric drink on top of that.

I texted Alex, "Hi Alex, sorry to bother you. I know I shouldn't be doing this, but I'm looking at the calorie count of the entrees at Chevy's and they're really high. Are we going to have to eat an entire entrée?"

To which she replied, "Hi Sarah. I know it's really really tough not to look up menu items beforehand and I know you may be feeling anxious. Try to remember, it's just one dinner. We can talk about this tomorrow before the meal too."

She's going to make us eat the entire entrée. Like, I don't know how I'm going to do that. That's a freaking shit ton of calories, and more than I eat in one day. Plus a caloric drink on top. Like I'm totally flipping out. I don't know how I'm going to do it. I don't want to do it, it's freaking me out. How can I eat all that in one meal???

I know it's not helping my recovery, but I'm seriously considering supplementing it (for those of you not familiar with treatment terminology, that means drinking an extremely highly caloric shake in place of the meal) because that would be less calories. And I know if I do that they're going to question whether or not I should be in the program.

But I can't do eat that much. Like I'm going to have to skip breakfast and lunch for this. I'm literally just going to fill up on coffee and diet coke tomorrow, and even then that's more than I'm okay with eating. I know I'm supposed to be moving towards recovery, but this is too much. I'd honestly rather eat pizza (which is a fear food).

I feel so immature right now, but I don't wanna do this. I can't.

What a bad appointment

Oh gosh, I don't even know where to start. I had therapy today, and it really sucked. We had a lot to talk about, and my therapist was really firm with me. Basically we talked about the whole crisis that happened on Wednesday, and how I've not been doing well. She talked about how my judgement is impaired because I'm making bad decisions like not sleeping, overdosing on medications and caffeine, and not filling my prescriptions. I told her that I made a conscious decision last night to go to bed, even though I wanted to pull another. But then I told her I regretted not pulling the allnighters, and she used that as a way to defend her stance. She asked me if I was drinking my boosts (which I'm pretty sure was optional), and I told them I left them at my mom's house. 

Regardless of all that, she blatantly said she wants me inpatient. She said she's scared for my safety right now because my load isn't getting easier (even though I quit my babysitting job??), and I'm in a "fragile state." She asked me what I was eating the past couple of days and she wasn't impressed (I mean, I'm not too impressed with myself either). I tried reassuring her that I'm going to be fine. I mean, I'm in the process of interviewing dietitians, I just started Dine, and I'm looking into art therapy. She's still not convinced, but she can't make me do something I'm not going to do, unless she gets a court order, which I don't think she can do on me because I'm mentally stable, and not in medical danger.

We also talked about this dangerous situation that I'm sort of trapped in. I can't explain the details, because I respect the people involved. But it's really taking a tol on me.

Anyways, it was a hard session. And I feel guilty for going against what my therapist wants me to do, but I know I'm safe. And to be honest, I almost don't care that I'm not eating enough. Like I want to recover, kind of, but I don't want to take the actions to do it. I just want to make everyone else happy. 

Dine Monte Nido

I've been thinking about how I wanted to post this, or if I wanted to post it, but I feel like if you're following my life, this is kind of an important detail that may be relevant for future posts. Basically I'm starting Monte Nido's Dine program on Wednesday, October 7. I feel kind of weird posting it because I've been in and out of IOP/PHP/Res/IP/etc. for a while, and it's like, again?

Only this is different. Monte Nido is a treatment program that I believe started in California by Carolyn Costin (author of 8 keys to recovery from an eating disorder), and Dine is an affiliate of her program. It's only a one day program, and it's 3 hours long and includes dinner. The program is meant for people who want to recover and want to be there, as opposed to other programs I've been in where a lot of people are there because they're forced to be there.

I have a lot of apprehensions about starting the program. One of them is the leader, Alex Raymond, a new nutritionist that works for Rebecca Bitzer. Background info - Rebecca Bitzer is my old dietician, who also used to lead a group that Alex would sometimes run with her. Alex was also a student at UMD my first semester (when I was pretty bad in my ED). I was a nutrition major at the time (lol), and I think it was Alex's last semester there as a nutrition major. I went to their nutrition club one time, realized that I felt so awkward there because talking about food used to freak me out (why was I a nutrition major??), and didn't go back. Alex was also the leader of the nutrition club. I don't know if she remembers me, but it's just weird going to a program lead by a prior peer. And it's also going to be weird going to a program lead by a nutritionist rather than a therapist, because I feel like a lot of the group topics will be therapy issues?

Another apprehension is that the meals don't go by exchanges, they go by what is a "normal meal." I can't even remember eating a meal without either counting the calorie content, or counting exchanges (while still counting calories, because I can't eat something without calculating the calories in my head). So like, how am I supposed to know if I'm eating what fits into my meal plan (not like I follow my meal plan anyways, but I most certainly don't want to go over)?

And going along with the whole meal situation, it is required that everyone have a caloric drink with their meal. I know I shouldn't be as scared of caloric beverages as I am, but ahhhh. Like I can drink caloric beverages in certain situations. For instance, sometimes I drink soy milk with breakfast, but that's only if it fits into my allowed calories. Or I'll drink alcoholic beverages occasionally, but again, only if I underrate that day, because again, calories. I mean, why drink my calories if I can get just as many calories from food? I know it's possible for me to do the whole liquid calorie thing, because in past treatments I've done them. But it's always somehow fit into my meal plan (e.g. if I need a dairy, I'll have soy milk, if I need a fruit, I'll have coconut juice, etc.). I talked with the intake director about it, who said it was a common concern for people (which I knew), and that most people get used to it after a few weeks. But I still can't even wrap my mind around drinking COW'S milk, or non-diet soda. I hope we can at least choose something that's not so "scary."

I'm also nervous because the intake director said the program is for people who want to be there. I want to be there, but I want not to be there. I'm so conflicted in terms of recovery. I feel really stuck. Like I might have a good week, but then I have a bad week. I'm making no progress, and am constantly going back and forth. I don't know what I want. I'm exhausted. But I don't want to live with an eating disorder, because it's not living. I just feel really hopeless in terms of recovery and motivation. But the intake director thinks this might be a good fit for me, because I'll be surrounded by people who want to recover, and I can gain strength and motivation from them. I hope he's right.

I want to give the program a shot, but I've been kicked out of programs before due to non-compliance, and I've faked my way through programs before, and there have been times where I felt like I was really taking it in but still relapsed. I need this time to be different. I don't have time in my life to waste on an eating disorder. I feel like I need more support than I have now, but I don't have time for IOP/DAY/PHP/etc., so this needs to work. I have my future all planned out. Graduate in December, work in the spring and summer while accumulating volunteer hours, practicum over the summer, start grad school in the Fall. I don't have time in my life to backtrack and end up in a higher level of care.

Sorry this was a long post. I think I could use some encouragement, because I feel discouraged and unmotivated, and really ashamed of doing a program again when I've done them so many times. I'm scared this isn't going to work, or that I'm not going to be able to persevere.

Also, if you do the whole prayer thing, pray that I would really dive into this program and give it everything. And that I can be honest with my team about things, because I've been struggling with that too. And pray that I'll be motivated and encouraged by the other ladies in treatment.