Dietitian Appointment (trigger warning, no numbers)

I had my appointment with my dietitian last night, and it was really challenging (they're all really challenging, but this one was particularly challenging). I've only seen my new dietitian 3 times, but she really challenges me and is hard on me (but it super nice at the same time), which I need.

I had struggled since the last appointment (typical), and have lost a fair bit of weight (ongoing, but she was pretty concerned about the drop this week). She kept telling me that I could be in a hospital right now. Of course I fought her and told her I'd been at much lower weights and still hadn't been hospitalized. She told me how eating disorders are scary and aren't like other illnesses such as cancer where you may have some anticipation of death occurring. In EDs, your body is resilient, but only up to a point. I've battled my eating disorder for a long time, and have lost weight, gained it back, lost weight, gained it back, etc. She told me how at any point my body could just start shutting down, even if my labs are fine. That I could just have a heart attack.

Part of me knows this, I've known plenty of people in treatment who have died from their ED. And that's not an exaggeration. On one hand, it's scary to think about. My body has been resilient. I've put it through years of damage, but my body has been faithful to me. But she's right, people CAN die from their ED at any point. On one hand, I want that to be scary to me. But it's not. I keep thinking I'm invincible, my body won't shut down on me, it can't. Or who cares? My life is pointless anyways, I'm not making progress, I have no purpose in this world, so why does it matter? I've thought about suicide a lot, but dying from an eating disorder, in a very sick way, is much more appeasing to me than committing suicide. So, so what if it kills me.

I didn't share those thoughts with her (although looking back maybe I should have?), but we did talk a lot about it. She has a caloric goal for me to hit every week (which isn't high given the meal plans I've been on in treatment, but is still scary for me to think about reaching), and I have been able to meet it a couple of times. But there's so much fear and guilt in letting go and giving recovery 100%. I'm scared of gaining weight, yes, but what's even more terrifying is giving up my eating disorder.

She told me if I dropped anymore weight she'd have to put me on supplements. She didn't mean it as a threat, and I didn't take it as one. More like, so what? I'm so conflicted right now in terms of recovery. I want it, but I don't. I'm sure that makes perfect sense to someone struggling with an eating disorder, but sounds pretty confusing if you don't struggle with addiction of some sort. Maybe you get it, I don't know.

On a happy note, today I met my caloric goal. I feel like crap because of it, my ED is screaming loudly at me. But I did something good, I guess. Even though it doesn't feel like it.

People Are Mean - Why Do I Bother?

I found a dietitian that I interviewed, and I think we might be a good fit. We're scheduled to meet next Tuesday. It's pretty cool, we're meeting at Starbucks, not in an office building. So it will be more casual and laid back. I'm looking forward to seeing what she can do for me. But I'm also scared to commit to something, like following my meal plan, or challenging behaviors like weighing food. But I don't want an eating disorder forever, and I've already had it for a long time which makes it hard to overcome, but the longer I wait the harder it's going to get.

I got an anonymous message saying basically that why even bother getting a dietitian? And to give it a week before I start posting things like how I want to lose weight (I don't, but I do, I'm content at my current weight, weight is complicated), and how all I'm doing is seeking out validation for how sick I've been or can be.

I take messages like these really personally and to heart. Like is Anon right? Why bother? I don't want to recover, but I do. I want to want to recover. I'm scared t commit, like I said above. I'm scared to get rid of what has kept me safe. It's really what I know best, and changing what you know is scary. Why invest my time and money on something I'm not sure if I can commit to. Why not just wither away and die? That's the easy choice.

I want to believe that the dietitian can help me. But anon is right. Maybe I am looking for validation. Maybe I am going to continue to lose weight despite recommendations. Maybe I'm going to take the dietitians advice and throw it in the trash. Maybe this is a waste of time and money.

I don't know. I hate to live the way I do, especially knowing that I'm back tracking. But I hate to give up what I know so well, and what has helped me deal with my problems, and hide my emotions.

Dietician (*tw* calories)

I feel like I need to invest in a new dietician. My current one is the campus dietician who specializes in sports nutrition. I find her so unhelpful it's almost triggering, because it's like it give me permission to restrict.

I saw her today and I guess my therapist and/or psychiatrist filled her in on what was happening. She wanted to make sure I was staying hydrated. She knew I had been struggling with food, so she asked what I had back at home to eat.

I told her what I had. And she told me, "that sounds like a pretty good day if you eat it all."

So let me get this...

Breakfast: 2 vegan sausages 180 cal

Lunch: carrots (40) hummus (110), vegan chik'n (120) 260 cal

Snack: (which I have no intention on eating) larabar 190 cal

Dinner: vegan fish fillets (270) broccoli (40) 310 cal

Total: 960 cal (if I actually eat the larabar)

That's a good day? Because a few months ago she told me I should be eating at minimum 2000 cal, and more if I'm working out (which I usually do). So I'm eating less than half of what she had previously recommended for days I don't workout, on a day I'm probably burning at least 500 calories exercising.

And then I brought up the fact that I have trouble with lunch - I forget to pack lunch and freak out at the cafeteria options. I also told her I've been restricting carbohydrates. She told me I could have a yogurt and fruit (that's about 200 cal) or a a sandwich and take the bread off (because that's totally healthy) for lunch.

Also, she doesn't weigh me. I see her every other week, she knows I'm restricting, and she doesn't weigh me. That actually triggers me beyond belief, for irrational reasons so I won't get into it.

She gave me a bag of boosts to drink if I want. If I want. Boosts are about 250 cal.

So if I want I can eat 1210 calories (which is still less than I should be eating). I don't.