I found a dietitian that I interviewed, and I think we might be a good fit. We're scheduled to meet next Tuesday. It's pretty cool, we're meeting at Starbucks, not in an office building. So it will be more casual and laid back. I'm looking forward to seeing what she can do for me. But I'm also scared to commit to something, like following my meal plan, or challenging behaviors like weighing food. But I don't want an eating disorder forever, and I've already had it for a long time which makes it hard to overcome, but the longer I wait the harder it's going to get.
I got an anonymous message saying basically that why even bother getting a dietitian? And to give it a week before I start posting things like how I want to lose weight (I don't, but I do, I'm content at my current weight, weight is complicated), and how all I'm doing is seeking out validation for how sick I've been or can be.
I take messages like these really personally and to heart. Like is Anon right? Why bother? I don't want to recover, but I do. I want to want to recover. I'm scared t commit, like I said above. I'm scared to get rid of what has kept me safe. It's really what I know best, and changing what you know is scary. Why invest my time and money on something I'm not sure if I can commit to. Why not just wither away and die? That's the easy choice.
I want to believe that the dietitian can help me. But anon is right. Maybe I am looking for validation. Maybe I am going to continue to lose weight despite recommendations. Maybe I'm going to take the dietitians advice and throw it in the trash. Maybe this is a waste of time and money.
I don't know. I hate to live the way I do, especially knowing that I'm back tracking. But I hate to give up what I know so well, and what has helped me deal with my problems, and hide my emotions.
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
Showing posts with label personal. Show all posts
The end of a crazy week
(THIS POST WAS WRITTEN THURSDAY 10/1 - EXCEPT THE LAST PART)
11:10am
It's the end of a crazy week. I successfully completed 3 all-nighters in a row. I did get about 1.5 hours of sleep last night, which is good. I'm also super energized right now, I feel like exhaustion is like fuel for me.... it pumps me up and makes me talk a mile a minute.
I got my results back from my Tuesday exam. I did really well in it, so I guess the all-nighters paid off. Hopefully in the future though I won't have to pull so many all-nighters in a row.
I still have an exam in a few hours that I'm not prepared for. I might skip my next class (which is really straightforward) so I have more time to study. I'll see how far I am in studying and decide then.
I was supposed to babysit tonight, which I was really stressed out over because no sleep+kids is not a good combination. But thankfully the whether cancelled their event, so I have the night off and can get some sleep.
I forgot to pack lunch again, which has been a reoccurring theme. And I know eating something before my exam is probably a good idea, there's just nothing on campus that I want to eat, or that feels doable. Plus I'm convinced that when I get home at 4pm is a good time for lunch. Normal people eat lunch at random times, right? I guess I need to start packing my lunch the night before so that I actually take lunch to school with me.
I'm bummed about the storm. I was supposed to go to the Veg Fest in D.C. on Saturday with some friends, but it looks like it's going to be rained out. I was really looking forward to it. I also have no plans for the weekend now, and I'm trying to be more social, so now I have to find something to do.
12:55pm
I feel like I could post multiple times a day. I just have so many thoughts, and I want to express myself to people, by I don't talk. I mean, I talk, but not a lot. It's easier for me to express myself through text. I can think about what I have to say, and for some reason I use better vocabulary when I write?
I'm burnt out. I'm done studying. I can't study anymore. My brain is fried. This exam is only worth 10%, and I'm just tired of stressing over it. I need a break. I've been going through my notes, and nothing is sticking. I just have to trust God that whatever happens in this exam will work out for the best, which is really hard when I feel this unprepared.
My anxiety is really high the last few days. I guess it's not surprising given the amount of caffeine and focallin I've been consuming. But I also have a lot on my mind. I'm anxious about school. I'm anxious about all the money I've been spending. I'm anxious about applying for jobs. I'm anxious to hear back from my therapist to hear that I got the extension, even though she's confident I will. I'm anxious about this "toxic" situation I'm in - my therapists right, but I don't know how to get out of it. I'm too nice, and avoid conflict, and put other people ahead of myself. I feel like I need to cry, even though I don't have a real reason too. I'm just overwhelmed, and my anxiety is higher than usual, and I'm so conflicted about so many things and I don't know what to do.
Days like these I wish I had therapy every day, or at least still had a support group.
5:10pm
Oh my gosh, Keebler fudge stripes pumpkin spice are too good to be true. I could eat this whole package. But I won't.
Next day...
This post was supposed to be published yesterday. But I fell asleep before I could finish it. I don't even remember much about last night. I took my exam, it wasn't too hard but I don't think I did that well. But we'll see. I came home, ate lunch (and pumpkin spice Keebler fudge stripes, apparently). And passed out. I think I woke up when my roommate came home, but I wasn't like LIVE, I was way too tired to know what was going on (and maybe a little intoxicated?)
I woke up this morning, made breakfast, and then fell asleep while I was eating it (to give you an idea of how tired I am).
Now I'm about to adult, and get some stuff done.
Goals
Finish this assignment before noon
Pack lunch night before school
Find something social to do this weekend
11:10am
It's the end of a crazy week. I successfully completed 3 all-nighters in a row. I did get about 1.5 hours of sleep last night, which is good. I'm also super energized right now, I feel like exhaustion is like fuel for me.... it pumps me up and makes me talk a mile a minute.
I got my results back from my Tuesday exam. I did really well in it, so I guess the all-nighters paid off. Hopefully in the future though I won't have to pull so many all-nighters in a row.
I still have an exam in a few hours that I'm not prepared for. I might skip my next class (which is really straightforward) so I have more time to study. I'll see how far I am in studying and decide then.
I was supposed to babysit tonight, which I was really stressed out over because no sleep+kids is not a good combination. But thankfully the whether cancelled their event, so I have the night off and can get some sleep.
I forgot to pack lunch again, which has been a reoccurring theme. And I know eating something before my exam is probably a good idea, there's just nothing on campus that I want to eat, or that feels doable. Plus I'm convinced that when I get home at 4pm is a good time for lunch. Normal people eat lunch at random times, right? I guess I need to start packing my lunch the night before so that I actually take lunch to school with me.
I'm bummed about the storm. I was supposed to go to the Veg Fest in D.C. on Saturday with some friends, but it looks like it's going to be rained out. I was really looking forward to it. I also have no plans for the weekend now, and I'm trying to be more social, so now I have to find something to do.
12:55pm
I feel like I could post multiple times a day. I just have so many thoughts, and I want to express myself to people, by I don't talk. I mean, I talk, but not a lot. It's easier for me to express myself through text. I can think about what I have to say, and for some reason I use better vocabulary when I write?
I'm burnt out. I'm done studying. I can't study anymore. My brain is fried. This exam is only worth 10%, and I'm just tired of stressing over it. I need a break. I've been going through my notes, and nothing is sticking. I just have to trust God that whatever happens in this exam will work out for the best, which is really hard when I feel this unprepared.
My anxiety is really high the last few days. I guess it's not surprising given the amount of caffeine and focallin I've been consuming. But I also have a lot on my mind. I'm anxious about school. I'm anxious about all the money I've been spending. I'm anxious about applying for jobs. I'm anxious to hear back from my therapist to hear that I got the extension, even though she's confident I will. I'm anxious about this "toxic" situation I'm in - my therapists right, but I don't know how to get out of it. I'm too nice, and avoid conflict, and put other people ahead of myself. I feel like I need to cry, even though I don't have a real reason too. I'm just overwhelmed, and my anxiety is higher than usual, and I'm so conflicted about so many things and I don't know what to do.
Days like these I wish I had therapy every day, or at least still had a support group.
5:10pm
Oh my gosh, Keebler fudge stripes pumpkin spice are too good to be true. I could eat this whole package. But I won't.
Next day...
This post was supposed to be published yesterday. But I fell asleep before I could finish it. I don't even remember much about last night. I took my exam, it wasn't too hard but I don't think I did that well. But we'll see. I came home, ate lunch (and pumpkin spice Keebler fudge stripes, apparently). And passed out. I think I woke up when my roommate came home, but I wasn't like LIVE, I was way too tired to know what was going on (and maybe a little intoxicated?)
I woke up this morning, made breakfast, and then fell asleep while I was eating it (to give you an idea of how tired I am).
Now I'm about to adult, and get some stuff done.
Goals
Finish this assignment before noon
Pack lunch night before school
Find something social to do this weekend
Let's be normal for a minute
When I first started posting again, a couple days ago, I said this wasn't going to be all about my ED. Yet the trend has been otherwise. I think part of the problem is that, yes, I'm working on recovery, and I'm doing pretty well compared to where I've been, my ED still is a huge part of my life and dictates a lot of my decisions.
But part of wanting to blog is to explore other parts of myself. I want to be real with people, which means, yeah, my ED is going to be a part of my blog. But I don't want that to be all I blog about. But the problem is, I don't know how to blog without talking about it.
So I need your help. What are some things you want me to talk about unrelated to my ED? Or what are some suggestions you have for being more normal in my posts?
I'm pretty sure anonymous comments are enabled, so you don't have to login to comment, or even expose your identity.
Also, I want to add some pages to my blog. What are some pages you'd like to see?
Edit: P.S. You can now subscribe by email.
Edit: P.S. You can now subscribe by email.
I have a social life?
I know, I just posted. But I feel like I should actually make a post about something.
I get discouraged a lot about where I am in life, and how few friends I have, and how I'm so far behind socially than most people my age. But considering where I was 2 years ago, I really can't complain. Anti-social doesn't even begin to describe what I was a few years ago. People toss around phrases of being anti-social all the time, but I doubt very few of those people actually uses it literally.
As background information, from the summer of 2012 until January of 2014 when I went to treatment in Denver, I literally lived in my room. I went to work, and went to school, but my interactions with people were very few and far in between. I NEVER would have initiated a friendship, and in the rare event I was invited to do something, I would always turn them down because being around people outside of the professional setting was SCARY. When I say I lived in my room, I mean I would come out of my room to go to work/school, would walk straight past my siblings/parents and completely ignore them, and after work/school I would come straight home and go to my room. I had a fridge and toaster oven in my room so I didn't have to come out and be around people. People talk about social anxiety casually, but I was literally afraid of talking to people, even my own family.
I'm an entirely different person now, and sometimes I lose sight of how far I've come. Yes, I still consider myself "anti-social" but not in the literal sense like I used to. I spend a lot of time by myself, but that's because I need that. But I also do things with other people, and sometimes I even initiate it. It still causes me anxiety to go to parties or social gatherings where there are people I don't know, but I do it anyways.
Lately, my social life has been emerging. I do things on weekends with people now. Last week I went to the renaissance festival with my roommate and 2 friends, and I wasn't the awkwardly silent tag-a-long that I always fear I'm going to be, but I contributed to the conversation. Yesterday I went to a festival with my roommate and a FRIEND (I have some of those now), and walked around. And then me and my roommate drove to Jiffy Lube Live for a Brad Paisley concert (and had an awesome time! At least I did).
It's weird thinking about what a different life I live now. I still struggle with depression and social anxiety, and isolating is a huge temptation. But I've found that I do enjoy being around other people (for non-extensive amounts of time), and even if it causes me anxiety, I can still do it. It blows my mind that a few years ago I felt so hopeless about ever being able to be around people, and how isolated I was. There are still people that I'm scared to be around, but I've taken steps to overcome that. This summer I went on my first vacation since 2009, which was really scary for me, but I did it. I never thought I'd do that again.
I guess as I reflect on what I just wrote, I think about the areas in my life where I feel discouraged, like I'm not where I want to be yet, or that I'm never going to overcome certain obstacles. But I never thought I'd be where I am now socially. And even though I have some more hurdles to jump in that department, I should be proud of my accomplishments.
I get discouraged a lot about where I am in life, and how few friends I have, and how I'm so far behind socially than most people my age. But considering where I was 2 years ago, I really can't complain. Anti-social doesn't even begin to describe what I was a few years ago. People toss around phrases of being anti-social all the time, but I doubt very few of those people actually uses it literally.
As background information, from the summer of 2012 until January of 2014 when I went to treatment in Denver, I literally lived in my room. I went to work, and went to school, but my interactions with people were very few and far in between. I NEVER would have initiated a friendship, and in the rare event I was invited to do something, I would always turn them down because being around people outside of the professional setting was SCARY. When I say I lived in my room, I mean I would come out of my room to go to work/school, would walk straight past my siblings/parents and completely ignore them, and after work/school I would come straight home and go to my room. I had a fridge and toaster oven in my room so I didn't have to come out and be around people. People talk about social anxiety casually, but I was literally afraid of talking to people, even my own family.
I'm an entirely different person now, and sometimes I lose sight of how far I've come. Yes, I still consider myself "anti-social" but not in the literal sense like I used to. I spend a lot of time by myself, but that's because I need that. But I also do things with other people, and sometimes I even initiate it. It still causes me anxiety to go to parties or social gatherings where there are people I don't know, but I do it anyways.
Lately, my social life has been emerging. I do things on weekends with people now. Last week I went to the renaissance festival with my roommate and 2 friends, and I wasn't the awkwardly silent tag-a-long that I always fear I'm going to be, but I contributed to the conversation. Yesterday I went to a festival with my roommate and a FRIEND (I have some of those now), and walked around. And then me and my roommate drove to Jiffy Lube Live for a Brad Paisley concert (and had an awesome time! At least I did).
It's weird thinking about what a different life I live now. I still struggle with depression and social anxiety, and isolating is a huge temptation. But I've found that I do enjoy being around other people (for non-extensive amounts of time), and even if it causes me anxiety, I can still do it. It blows my mind that a few years ago I felt so hopeless about ever being able to be around people, and how isolated I was. There are still people that I'm scared to be around, but I've taken steps to overcome that. This summer I went on my first vacation since 2009, which was really scary for me, but I did it. I never thought I'd do that again.
I guess as I reflect on what I just wrote, I think about the areas in my life where I feel discouraged, like I'm not where I want to be yet, or that I'm never going to overcome certain obstacles. But I never thought I'd be where I am now socially. And even though I have some more hurdles to jump in that department, I should be proud of my accomplishments.
Am I scared to recover?
This is probably just going to be another random post that branches off of my current thoughts. But I guess they all kind of lead to the same general theme.... being scared that I may actually be closer to recovery (which I will get to later).
On Wednesday evening, I got my period for the first time since April, and even then I had only gotten it very irregularly since Renfrew. I really am trying to see it as a good thing, not just in the sense of recovery, but for my bone health. I am extremely worried about my bones lately, and I know that amenorrhea greatly increases your risk for osteoporosis. So on one hand I AM very happy to have it back. Yes I realize getting it once doesn't mean I actually have it back, but it is a start in right direction. But at the same time, I get this sinking feeling that I know longer meet the medical standards for Anorexia Nervosa.
If I'm not Anorexic, what am I (rhetorical question - I've been waffling with recovery long enough to know the answer to this one). Getting my period also leads me to thoughts like "I'm fat - obviously I wouldn't be getting my period if I were incredibly underweight." And I feel like I no longer have my thing that makes me unique, that makes me different from everyone else. Clearly these are irrational ways of thinking, I know that. I mean whatever happened to the middle area between emaciated and fat? And really, its not like I go around telling people about my menstrual issues, so that would never even be considered as one of my identifying charactaristics.
Lately I have also been stretching my limits around my roommates. I am actually COOKING while they're in the living room watching TV. Before, if people were around, I'd just do something quick and easy that just required a microwave to heat up. Or I'd make my meals first thing in the morning before anyone woke up, and have it ready to just reheat when I get home. But now I'm actually using the oven and the stove simultaneously, preparing things that require me to stand in the kitchen for upwards of 40 minutes. Being in the kitchen with people around in general makes me uncomfortable, so this is a stretch for me. I still measure things out in advance, I don't know if I could deal with them seeing me do my strange things with my food. But this is big for me.
On one hand, I am so happy I got over that hurdle. This is something I have not been able to do in years. I haven't been able to do it with any of my other roommates. I can't do it with my family. I feel good knowing that even though I'm still not quite comfortable with it, I can do it, and its gradually getting more comfortable and normal. I like being able to have the option of eating REAL food for dinner, rather than something that takes me two minutes to toss together. I like not having to stress out all day over how I'm going to make dinner because people are home. I like that I feel more secure with them than I had with anybody else.
But that scares me too. Like what next? Does this mean I'm more "normal" than I was before? Am I going to keep getting more comfortable with food, and stop weighing and measuring things? That really scares me! I've already stopped counting calories in gum and in seasonings. I feel like I'm moving on. But food is still a huge issue for me, it is all that I think about. So I don't know, I'm confused really. I feel like I'm taking huge steps, but my mind is still very sick. Its causing my equilibrium to become imbalanced. What if I recover physically, but I'm still hurting on the inside? Sometimes I feel like the only way I can address my inner issues if my issues are showing on the outside. Actually I always feel that way. And I know that's not true, but its hard for me to get past that little hump.