I had my appointment with my dietitian last night, and it was really challenging (they're all really challenging, but this one was particularly challenging). I've only seen my new dietitian 3 times, but she really challenges me and is hard on me (but it super nice at the same time), which I need.
I had struggled since the last appointment (typical), and have lost a fair bit of weight (ongoing, but she was pretty concerned about the drop this week). She kept telling me that I could be in a hospital right now. Of course I fought her and told her I'd been at much lower weights and still hadn't been hospitalized. She told me how eating disorders are scary and aren't like other illnesses such as cancer where you may have some anticipation of death occurring. In EDs, your body is resilient, but only up to a point. I've battled my eating disorder for a long time, and have lost weight, gained it back, lost weight, gained it back, etc. She told me how at any point my body could just start shutting down, even if my labs are fine. That I could just have a heart attack.
Part of me knows this, I've known plenty of people in treatment who have died from their ED. And that's not an exaggeration. On one hand, it's scary to think about. My body has been resilient. I've put it through years of damage, but my body has been faithful to me. But she's right, people CAN die from their ED at any point. On one hand, I want that to be scary to me. But it's not. I keep thinking I'm invincible, my body won't shut down on me, it can't. Or who cares? My life is pointless anyways, I'm not making progress, I have no purpose in this world, so why does it matter? I've thought about suicide a lot, but dying from an eating disorder, in a very sick way, is much more appeasing to me than committing suicide. So, so what if it kills me.
I didn't share those thoughts with her (although looking back maybe I should have?), but we did talk a lot about it. She has a caloric goal for me to hit every week (which isn't high given the meal plans I've been on in treatment, but is still scary for me to think about reaching), and I have been able to meet it a couple of times. But there's so much fear and guilt in letting go and giving recovery 100%. I'm scared of gaining weight, yes, but what's even more terrifying is giving up my eating disorder.
She told me if I dropped anymore weight she'd have to put me on supplements. She didn't mean it as a threat, and I didn't take it as one. More like, so what? I'm so conflicted right now in terms of recovery. I want it, but I don't. I'm sure that makes perfect sense to someone struggling with an eating disorder, but sounds pretty confusing if you don't struggle with addiction of some sort. Maybe you get it, I don't know.
On a happy note, today I met my caloric goal. I feel like crap because of it, my ED is screaming loudly at me. But I did something good, I guess. Even though it doesn't feel like it.
Showing posts with label dietitian. Show all posts
Showing posts with label dietitian. Show all posts
A lot to update on
It's been a while since I've made a post (at least it feels like it). A lot has been going on, and I haven't really known where to start.
I guess first things first, I'm moving back home at the end of the week. I don't want to get into details (but you're welcome to ask me personally), but living situation I currently am has not been healthy for my physical or mental health lately. As my therapist would put it, it's "toxic" for me. I think the word choice was a little harsh, but I have to degree. My mental and physical state has declined. I can't blame it all on housing, but a lot of the things going on in our house have contributed to the stress and overwhelming thoughts and triggers that have been destructive towards my recovery. I'm anxious about moving home, but at the same time I'm hoping it may be a fresh start to get back on track. After all, I always feel good after visiting with my family.
I started seeing a new dietitian, Lindsey, who I've found tremendously helpful. She challenges me in ways I can't explain. For instance, she won't just take an answer from me and leave it at that, she tries to get me thinking. Example, I compulsively weigh myself, over 20x a day. She asked why I need to know the number that many times, and I told her it makes me feel less anxious about my weight. And she asks, "why?" And when I give an answer (or try to), she then asks again, "why?" She really challenges my thought process. She also doesn't go easy on me at all (but yet she's really encouraging at the same time). For instance, I did pretty bad last week in following my meal plan. There was one day I came close, but even then I didn't eat lunch. We talked about it for a while (like the whole session) while going over my logs, and she said that what I was doing was not acceptable. She knows it's hard, but she pushes me. She gave me a calorie range to aim for (because I'm so fixated on numbers, and the exchanges wasn't getting me far), and yesterday I actually met my goal! I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it again today, because I kind of freaked out over my weight. But at least I can say I did it once. And who knows, maybe I'll be able to do it again.
Therapy... well, to put it bluntly, my therapist wants me back in IP. I told her that wasn't going to happen, because I think I can do this on my own. But she's been very persistent about it. She then sent an email to my parents (and me) saying my entire team wanted me inpatient. I think I signed a release for her to talk to my parents, but still, I think that was a boundary she crossed. I'm not going IP, I don't need it, not now, and I think I can pull myself together. I decided I'm going to take a break from seeing Brenda for a while. Instead, I'm going to see a Christian counselor (she's not a therapist) because I think I need to try something new in terms of counseling/therapy, and I think faith needs to be a big part of my recovery. I'm not sure the frequency I'm going to see her, I'm still working that out with my parents. But I still have Brenda as a back up. She's going to see me once a month to check in with me and make sure I'm not back tracking and making some progress.
Finally, after lots of pressure from my team + advisor to withdrawal from the semester, I talked with my parents and we came to a compromise that I would drop 2 classes. I can technically only drop one class without withdrawing from the full semester (without a dean's exception), but my advisor thinks that with a medical note I'll get the exception. So my psychiatrist is working up a note for me to provide to the dean. The only downside is I'm not going to be graduating in December like I had hoped, but instead will be graduating in the Spring of 2016.
I think moving home, switching dietitians, change of pace with therapy/counseling, and dropping classes will really help in improving my current situation, mental, and physical.
I guess first things first, I'm moving back home at the end of the week. I don't want to get into details (but you're welcome to ask me personally), but living situation I currently am has not been healthy for my physical or mental health lately. As my therapist would put it, it's "toxic" for me. I think the word choice was a little harsh, but I have to degree. My mental and physical state has declined. I can't blame it all on housing, but a lot of the things going on in our house have contributed to the stress and overwhelming thoughts and triggers that have been destructive towards my recovery. I'm anxious about moving home, but at the same time I'm hoping it may be a fresh start to get back on track. After all, I always feel good after visiting with my family.
I started seeing a new dietitian, Lindsey, who I've found tremendously helpful. She challenges me in ways I can't explain. For instance, she won't just take an answer from me and leave it at that, she tries to get me thinking. Example, I compulsively weigh myself, over 20x a day. She asked why I need to know the number that many times, and I told her it makes me feel less anxious about my weight. And she asks, "why?" And when I give an answer (or try to), she then asks again, "why?" She really challenges my thought process. She also doesn't go easy on me at all (but yet she's really encouraging at the same time). For instance, I did pretty bad last week in following my meal plan. There was one day I came close, but even then I didn't eat lunch. We talked about it for a while (like the whole session) while going over my logs, and she said that what I was doing was not acceptable. She knows it's hard, but she pushes me. She gave me a calorie range to aim for (because I'm so fixated on numbers, and the exchanges wasn't getting me far), and yesterday I actually met my goal! I don't know if I'm going to be able to do it again today, because I kind of freaked out over my weight. But at least I can say I did it once. And who knows, maybe I'll be able to do it again.
Therapy... well, to put it bluntly, my therapist wants me back in IP. I told her that wasn't going to happen, because I think I can do this on my own. But she's been very persistent about it. She then sent an email to my parents (and me) saying my entire team wanted me inpatient. I think I signed a release for her to talk to my parents, but still, I think that was a boundary she crossed. I'm not going IP, I don't need it, not now, and I think I can pull myself together. I decided I'm going to take a break from seeing Brenda for a while. Instead, I'm going to see a Christian counselor (she's not a therapist) because I think I need to try something new in terms of counseling/therapy, and I think faith needs to be a big part of my recovery. I'm not sure the frequency I'm going to see her, I'm still working that out with my parents. But I still have Brenda as a back up. She's going to see me once a month to check in with me and make sure I'm not back tracking and making some progress.
Finally, after lots of pressure from my team + advisor to withdrawal from the semester, I talked with my parents and we came to a compromise that I would drop 2 classes. I can technically only drop one class without withdrawing from the full semester (without a dean's exception), but my advisor thinks that with a medical note I'll get the exception. So my psychiatrist is working up a note for me to provide to the dean. The only downside is I'm not going to be graduating in December like I had hoped, but instead will be graduating in the Spring of 2016.
I think moving home, switching dietitians, change of pace with therapy/counseling, and dropping classes will really help in improving my current situation, mental, and physical.
People Are Mean - Why Do I Bother?
I found a dietitian that I interviewed, and I think we might be a good fit. We're scheduled to meet next Tuesday. It's pretty cool, we're meeting at Starbucks, not in an office building. So it will be more casual and laid back. I'm looking forward to seeing what she can do for me. But I'm also scared to commit to something, like following my meal plan, or challenging behaviors like weighing food. But I don't want an eating disorder forever, and I've already had it for a long time which makes it hard to overcome, but the longer I wait the harder it's going to get.
I got an anonymous message saying basically that why even bother getting a dietitian? And to give it a week before I start posting things like how I want to lose weight (I don't, but I do, I'm content at my current weight, weight is complicated), and how all I'm doing is seeking out validation for how sick I've been or can be.
I take messages like these really personally and to heart. Like is Anon right? Why bother? I don't want to recover, but I do. I want to want to recover. I'm scared t commit, like I said above. I'm scared to get rid of what has kept me safe. It's really what I know best, and changing what you know is scary. Why invest my time and money on something I'm not sure if I can commit to. Why not just wither away and die? That's the easy choice.
I want to believe that the dietitian can help me. But anon is right. Maybe I am looking for validation. Maybe I am going to continue to lose weight despite recommendations. Maybe I'm going to take the dietitians advice and throw it in the trash. Maybe this is a waste of time and money.
I don't know. I hate to live the way I do, especially knowing that I'm back tracking. But I hate to give up what I know so well, and what has helped me deal with my problems, and hide my emotions.
I got an anonymous message saying basically that why even bother getting a dietitian? And to give it a week before I start posting things like how I want to lose weight (I don't, but I do, I'm content at my current weight, weight is complicated), and how all I'm doing is seeking out validation for how sick I've been or can be.
I take messages like these really personally and to heart. Like is Anon right? Why bother? I don't want to recover, but I do. I want to want to recover. I'm scared t commit, like I said above. I'm scared to get rid of what has kept me safe. It's really what I know best, and changing what you know is scary. Why invest my time and money on something I'm not sure if I can commit to. Why not just wither away and die? That's the easy choice.
I want to believe that the dietitian can help me. But anon is right. Maybe I am looking for validation. Maybe I am going to continue to lose weight despite recommendations. Maybe I'm going to take the dietitians advice and throw it in the trash. Maybe this is a waste of time and money.
I don't know. I hate to live the way I do, especially knowing that I'm back tracking. But I hate to give up what I know so well, and what has helped me deal with my problems, and hide my emotions.
What a bad appointment
Oh gosh, I don't even know where to start. I had therapy today, and it really sucked. We had a lot to talk about, and my therapist was really firm with me. Basically we talked about the whole crisis that happened on Wednesday, and how I've not been doing well. She talked about how my judgement is impaired because I'm making bad decisions like not sleeping, overdosing on medications and caffeine, and not filling my prescriptions. I told her that I made a conscious decision last night to go to bed, even though I wanted to pull another. But then I told her I regretted not pulling the allnighters, and she used that as a way to defend her stance. She asked me if I was drinking my boosts (which I'm pretty sure was optional), and I told them I left them at my mom's house.
Regardless of all that, she blatantly said she wants me inpatient. She said she's scared for my safety right now because my load isn't getting easier (even though I quit my babysitting job??), and I'm in a "fragile state." She asked me what I was eating the past couple of days and she wasn't impressed (I mean, I'm not too impressed with myself either). I tried reassuring her that I'm going to be fine. I mean, I'm in the process of interviewing dietitians, I just started Dine, and I'm looking into art therapy. She's still not convinced, but she can't make me do something I'm not going to do, unless she gets a court order, which I don't think she can do on me because I'm mentally stable, and not in medical danger.
We also talked about this dangerous situation that I'm sort of trapped in. I can't explain the details, because I respect the people involved. But it's really taking a tol on me.
Anyways, it was a hard session. And I feel guilty for going against what my therapist wants me to do, but I know I'm safe. And to be honest, I almost don't care that I'm not eating enough. Like I want to recover, kind of, but I don't want to take the actions to do it. I just want to make everyone else happy.
Fall Retreat and Dietitian Stuff
Went on the fall retreat with Cru. It was fun, but I don't really think I "grew" from it. Everyone always talks about growing in their faith on retreats, and I guess I just feel like scripture doesn't make enough sense for me to really get anything out of it. Like I can pinpoint verses in the bible and pick out ones that relate to whatever I want, but I don't understand it in context.
I don't really feel like I connected with anyone. Like everyone was super nice, and I chatted with a few people, but when it comes down to it, I doubt anyone's going to be eager to add me on facebook.
We did have this lady's night thing where we talked about holiness in speech, singleness, dating, and consumption (I thought that was going to relate to me, but no, it was talking about over consumption of anything, whether it be food, or sex, etc.)
We then did an activity where we painted something that we took away from the night. I painted a picture with the scripture 1 Corinthians 3:17 "If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy that person; for God's temple is sacred, and you together are that temple." And I felt like that resonated with me, because what I do to my body is destroying God's temple. I mean, I can't just snap my fingers, read the verse, and things will be different, but it's food (no pun intended) for thought.
~~~~~
On another note, I've committed to switching dietitians. I emailed about 20 dietitians (if not more) in the area that say they specialize in EDs. I've gotten quite a few responses and I'm going to interview them with the following Qs
Rates
Session length and frequency
Provide billing receipts for insurance
Location
Treatment approach (e.g. Do you use a special approach to treating EDs)
What resources and additional activities do you offer to help support recovery?
Do you personalize your approach per individual and her needs or according to what's not working or what's going well?
Experience with EDs
Do you do meal plans, and if so how do you do them
Will you allow me to keep my current meal plan
Will you collaborate with my treatment team
I weigh X and am 5'0.5 with a bmi of X, can I maintain that weight
How do you work on challenging Ed behaviors (eg restricting carbs, fear foods, counting calories, rituals, intuitive eating, etc)
At what point would you terminate me for being too much or require a hloc
Exercise - how you might coordinate with my trainer or accommodate a healthy exercise program into her nutritional support?
Will you support a vegetarian diet, what about vegan?
Not a determining factor, but are you able to incorporate faith/religion into your practice?
How do you run your sessions (e.g. What should I expect in the initial and follow up sessions?)
Osteopenia (diagnosed over two years ago) - do you recommend ways of preventing further deterioration of bones?
Do you believe full recovery is possible, or that you're always recovering?
I've scheduled quite a few interviews this week. I had one today, but it turned into her learning a little about me, and then scheduling an hour long consultation. It's scheduled for Wednesday. I don't know if I'm going to like her or not, but I'm going to ask her all the questions above and compare her to other dieticians and see if she's a good fit for me. I just want someone who's experienced with EDs, and knows all the tricks I play (because when it comes down to it, I'm very manipulative and am good at running the sessions my way, which obvious isn't helpful).
I'm excited to meet her and see what she can offer me.
I don't really feel like I connected with anyone. Like everyone was super nice, and I chatted with a few people, but when it comes down to it, I doubt anyone's going to be eager to add me on facebook.
We did have this lady's night thing where we talked about holiness in speech, singleness, dating, and consumption (I thought that was going to relate to me, but no, it was talking about over consumption of anything, whether it be food, or sex, etc.)
We then did an activity where we painted something that we took away from the night. I painted a picture with the scripture 1 Corinthians 3:17 "If anyone destroys God's temple, God will destroy that person; for God's temple is sacred, and you together are that temple." And I felt like that resonated with me, because what I do to my body is destroying God's temple. I mean, I can't just snap my fingers, read the verse, and things will be different, but it's food (no pun intended) for thought.
~~~~~
On another note, I've committed to switching dietitians. I emailed about 20 dietitians (if not more) in the area that say they specialize in EDs. I've gotten quite a few responses and I'm going to interview them with the following Qs
Rates
Session length and frequency
Provide billing receipts for insurance
Location
Treatment approach (e.g. Do you use a special approach to treating EDs)
What resources and additional activities do you offer to help support recovery?
Do you personalize your approach per individual and her needs or according to what's not working or what's going well?
Experience with EDs
Do you do meal plans, and if so how do you do them
Will you allow me to keep my current meal plan
Will you collaborate with my treatment team
I weigh X and am 5'0.5 with a bmi of X, can I maintain that weight
How do you work on challenging Ed behaviors (eg restricting carbs, fear foods, counting calories, rituals, intuitive eating, etc)
At what point would you terminate me for being too much or require a hloc
Exercise - how you might coordinate with my trainer or accommodate a healthy exercise program into her nutritional support?
Will you support a vegetarian diet, what about vegan?
Not a determining factor, but are you able to incorporate faith/religion into your practice?
How do you run your sessions (e.g. What should I expect in the initial and follow up sessions?)
Osteopenia (diagnosed over two years ago) - do you recommend ways of preventing further deterioration of bones?
Do you believe full recovery is possible, or that you're always recovering?
I've scheduled quite a few interviews this week. I had one today, but it turned into her learning a little about me, and then scheduling an hour long consultation. It's scheduled for Wednesday. I don't know if I'm going to like her or not, but I'm going to ask her all the questions above and compare her to other dieticians and see if she's a good fit for me. I just want someone who's experienced with EDs, and knows all the tricks I play (because when it comes down to it, I'm very manipulative and am good at running the sessions my way, which obvious isn't helpful).
I'm excited to meet her and see what she can offer me.