Damaged

It reoccurs to me time and time again. I've already done the damage, and some things you don't get back. The big one for me that I think about constantly is my teeth and my bones. It really hit me hard again last night while I was eating dinner. As I was taking a forkful of my food, I chipped a big part of my front tooth off from barely even touching the fork to my teeth. I immediately got up and starting pacing back in forth from my dinner to the bathroom out of panic, not sure what to even do with myself. I was kind of in mental shock I guess. Maybe if it had been the first time it wouldn't not have been such a big deal. But the problem is that it keeps happening.

My front teeth are chipping away, and they're getting smaller and more jagged very quickly. My dentist even pointed this out to me when I visited him this past December; my teeth are so weak now that they're just breaking apart. What's going to happen 10 years from now? Your teeth don't continue to grow after they've already been formed, he explained that to me. What I have in my mouth now is what I have, and once they start to decline, it's an ongoing process that can't be stopped. And since this past summer the health of my teeth has been declining rapidly. It doesn't change the fact that I've turned things around from summer (summer was bad - probably worse than when I first went into treatment), nothing can fix the damage I've already done to my teeth. I feel like no matter what I do now, regardless of the fact that I haven't purged in nearly a month, or that I'm making an effort to get in enough calcium and vitamin D from food sources, my teeth continue to get worse.

I was looking up information on teeth last night, because that's when I'm already overly anxious about something - I look up more information to cause anxiety. Anyways, one piece of information that was constantly brought to my attention is that the "health of your teeth are a very good indication of the health of your bones." Basically if your bones are bad, your teeth will be bad too. Which got me thinking, if my teeth are chipping apart and corroding, what on earth is going on with my bones?

I've thought about it before, the possibility of me having osteoporosis, but I usually try to avoid thinking about it because its not something that I feel like my parents want to get into (they kind of avoid the subject of my eating disorder). The last time I got a Dexa Scan was in early 2010 when I got back from Renfrew, and I never did get my results back from it. And since then I know I've done more damage. I haven't gotten a period since April of last year, and I haven't had a regular period in 3 years - putting me at a huge risk for osteoporosis. I never really made an effort to include more calcium or vitamin D or magnesium (for those of you who don't know, if you have enough calcium and vitamin D, but not enough magnesium, it can increase your risk of osteoporosis) until this past fall. Lately I have been having a lot of bone pain in my back and my lower legs, I don't know if that's psychological (like I'm worried about having a condition, so now I'm feeling symptoms that don't actually exist), but it really worries me.

I'm sorry if this post is really negative and depressing. But right now I'm just feeling very weighed down by a lot of thoughts, and that's just something I needed to get out. It disheartens me to know that whatever I do to my body now doesn't change the fact that I've already ruined it in so many different ways. I can't fix that.