[This post may be triggering for people, just putting that out there. No specific weights are mentioned, but weight is the topic of this post]
I'm feeling very crappy about my body today. I know bad body image is normal, and given the fact that I felt great in my body just last week, it, may possibly be teorary as well. But really cannot stand being on my body right now. Since being home (by home, I mean back at school) my weight has shot up 10 lbs. 10 lbs in 2 weeks. I am a short person, 5 lbs shows, 10 lbs makes a huge difference.
Rationally I know I could not have gained that much. I mean if we're following the whole 3500 kcal equals a lb rule, then I would have had to consume 35,000kcal in excess over the past two weeks. That's 2,500 kcal a day in addition to what my body needs to maintain.
Now playing it safe, lets say I really did screw up my metabolism and my body really does maintain on 1200 kcal (yes, I realize my body needs probably more than that to maintain.... this is just for the purpose of trying to console myself). That would mean I would have to have taken in 3,700 kcal every day, on average.
I have not taken in that many calories once, even on those nights where I have the "out of control eating." I may have come close, but not once have I had that many calories in one day.
So yes, I know the facts, I know the logic. This has to be water weight, right? But I feel gross. Disgusting. I've been wearing my "fat pants" the past few days. None of my normal jeans even fit without giving me rolls and, making me extremely uncomfortable. And these jeans were loose on me when I was home (not at school) over Christmas break.
Bottom line of this post. I feel fat. Yes, I said. I hate when people say it. But that's how I feel. I don't want people telling me I'm not fat, because I never said I was.
I'm feeling very crappy about my body today. I know bad body image is normal, and given the fact that I felt great in my body just last week, it, may possibly be teorary as well. But really cannot stand being on my body right now. Since being home (by home, I mean back at school) my weight has shot up 10 lbs. 10 lbs in 2 weeks. I am a short person, 5 lbs shows, 10 lbs makes a huge difference.
Rationally I know I could not have gained that much. I mean if we're following the whole 3500 kcal equals a lb rule, then I would have had to consume 35,000kcal in excess over the past two weeks. That's 2,500 kcal a day in addition to what my body needs to maintain.
Now playing it safe, lets say I really did screw up my metabolism and my body really does maintain on 1200 kcal (yes, I realize my body needs probably more than that to maintain.... this is just for the purpose of trying to console myself). That would mean I would have to have taken in 3,700 kcal every day, on average.
I have not taken in that many calories once, even on those nights where I have the "out of control eating." I may have come close, but not once have I had that many calories in one day.
So yes, I know the facts, I know the logic. This has to be water weight, right? But I feel gross. Disgusting. I've been wearing my "fat pants" the past few days. None of my normal jeans even fit without giving me rolls and, making me extremely uncomfortable. And these jeans were loose on me when I was home (not at school) over Christmas break.
Bottom line of this post. I feel fat. Yes, I said. I hate when people say it. But that's how I feel. I don't want people telling me I'm not fat, because I never said I was.
AH! Oh how I can relate. I don't think anyone with an ED (or even without) goes through life without experiencing days like that.
ReplyDeleteRemember, the feeling is only temporary- you WILL NOT feel this way forever.
Does avoiding the scale help or hurt? I haven't been able to weigh myself regularly and I swear I'm gaining weight- even with body checking, clothing, etc.- and yet I lost? I'm still confused on that... I guess bdd really is real!
Also, chances are no one notices your weight besides you. Seriously. Not that it changes things, but you know.. I tend to blow things up in my mind as bigger than they are in reality.
I'm so sorry that you are going through this, and I know that there is nothing that I can say to make you feel better. I have been through the same thing, but have been able to avoid the scale in such situations (which I think has saved me from doing something stupid). None the less, it sucks. And it is acceptable to feel fat. I HATE it when people dismiss how I feel and tell me that fat is not a feeling...it is incredibly invalidating when I have nothing else to describe how I feel.
ReplyDeleteJust know that despite how you may feel emotionally, your logical mind still KNOWS that that is physiologically impossible to gain 10 lbs in 2 weeks.
oh dear dear dear! i understand more than you'll ever know! i wrote an article called, "fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat fat" a few months ago. and i felt better in a few days, writing about it, i believe, in an entry called, "the bitch is back! i feel skinny!" LOL. so dramatic when fat is concerned. definitely! I HATE FAT but accept my body a little more with each passing day, and i hope that you shall, too. xxx
ReplyDelete