Finding a balance with food

Lately, like since being home I guess, I've been really struggling with binging. I go through bouts of this periodically, so its not like I've never dealt with it before. But normally I would compensate by using purging. I have not been allowing myself to use purging as a coping mechanism since seeing my dentist mid December when he informed me that I no longer had any enamel on the backs of my teeth, and basically told me that my teeth were in such bad shape right now that all I can do now is use measures to prevent them from getting worse. OK normally scare tactics don't work for me, and I already knew my teeth were awful. But I've been motivated to stop that behaviour for a long time now, and that was kind of like the last straw.
Anyways, that was a little bit of a tangent.... back to the main reason why I am making this post. I feel like I can never find a balance between eating enough or over indulging. I understand that overindulging is a normal part of eating - like normal people do it (haha.... whatever normal people even means). But I don't think its okay to eat like 3 bakery sized cookies, plus 4 Lara bars, in one sitting. I guess I wouldn't call it a binge. And I guess occasionally this wouldn't be the end of the world for healthy people either. But the problem is I go through these bouts where it will happen 4 nights a week for a month straight.
The irritating part about it is what triggers it (or at least what the surface level trigger for me is). I will get extremely motivated to recover, and decide that I'm going to go to the store and buy all kinds of healthy things; cereals, snacks, produce, treats to indulge.... like basically a mix of healthy and a mix of things I love (I mean I love healthy food too.... you know what I mean). And then its like, I get home and plan out my meals.... and then I get obsessive, overanalyzing every meal plan I set out for myself, changing it around constantly trying to make it "perfect." This obsessiveness makes me desire food even more, and so I put off eating my non safe foods, until when I finally do it like "lets eat ALL the bread on the loaf.... and ALL the trail mix in that bag," etc.
And of course, this makes me want to restrict. I try not to, but I end up pushing off eating until late in the day because A.) I'm still stuffed from the previous evenings indulgence, and B.) I'm afraid I'm going to do it again. And of course that leaves me in the same cycle.
I don't know how to stop the cycle. I mean I've done it before, but not healthily. Its black or white. I either eat everything, or I restrict to a very unhealthy amount. I know many people who have struggle with bulimic behaviours can relate with me on this. Its really frustrating though because its like no matter what I do it triggers one behaviour or another.
Sorry this post was so long and drawn out.
How do you get out of the black or white aspect of eating?


  1. I wish I could give you advice, but I struggle with the exact same thinking/behaviours. Food can be COMPLICATED and scary. All I can really say is that having planned treats and telling myself, "I can eat whatever I want the very next day" has been helpful. Even THINKING about restricting makes me binge more. It's not easy. Life, like eating, isn't black and white. There's gray too, but we have to relax the "rules" a little to find it. Good luck Sarah!

  2. wow. i'm completely captivated by this post. you write about "being home." can i assume correctly that you're of college age then?

    i don't know of how much you've read of my blog, but i don't keep ANY food in the house. check out my pantry and refrigerator via these links as proof: it's one of my management tactics. i'm the girl who tried and tried and tried and tried to "stock up," unsuccessfully.

    do not be ashamed of getting rid of the drugs, in your case (in my case), food. you are so lovely, and knowing that you realise that a problem exists, being willing to write about it via a public forum, takes a lot of guts.

    i look forward to reading more blog entries from you, and i thank you again for visiting my recent publishing. (by the way, i'm 30 in a few days, just so you know of where i'm coming from and of my "bulimic" credibility). adding you to my blog roll because my readers need to read articles like this one.

    nice to meet you. :) x