Am I scared to recover?

This is probably just going to be another random post that branches off of my current thoughts. But I guess they all kind of lead to the same general theme.... being scared that I may actually be closer to recovery (which I will get to later).

On Wednesday evening, I got my period for the first time since April, and even then I had only gotten it very irregularly since Renfrew. I really am trying to see it as a good thing, not just in the sense of recovery, but for my bone health. I am extremely worried about my bones lately, and I know that amenorrhea greatly increases your risk for osteoporosis. So on one hand I AM very happy to have it back. Yes I realize getting it once doesn't mean I actually have it back, but it is a start in right direction. But at the same time, I get this sinking feeling that I know longer meet the medical standards for Anorexia Nervosa.

If I'm not Anorexic, what am I (rhetorical question - I've been waffling with recovery long enough to know the answer to this one). Getting my period also leads me to thoughts like "I'm fat - obviously I wouldn't be getting my period if I were incredibly underweight." And I feel like I no longer have my thing that makes me unique, that makes me different from everyone else. Clearly these are irrational ways of thinking, I know that. I mean whatever happened to the middle area between emaciated and fat? And really, its not like I go around telling people about my menstrual issues, so that would never even be considered as one of my identifying charactaristics.

Lately I have also been stretching my limits around my roommates. I am actually COOKING while they're in the living room watching TV. Before, if people were around, I'd just do something quick and easy that just required a microwave to heat up. Or I'd make my meals first thing in the morning before anyone woke up, and have it ready to just reheat when I get home. But now I'm actually using the oven and the stove simultaneously, preparing things that require me to stand in the kitchen for upwards of 40 minutes. Being in the kitchen with people around in general makes me uncomfortable, so this is a stretch for me. I still measure things out in advance, I don't know if I could deal with them seeing me do my strange things with my food. But this is big for me.

On one hand, I am so happy I got over that hurdle. This is something I have not been able to do in years. I haven't been able to do it with any of my other roommates. I can't do it with my family. I feel good knowing that even though I'm still not quite comfortable with it, I can do it, and its gradually getting more comfortable and normal. I like being able to have the option of eating REAL food for dinner, rather than something that takes me two minutes to toss together. I like not having to stress out all day over how I'm going to make dinner because people are home. I like that I feel more secure with them than I had with anybody else.

But that scares me too. Like what next? Does this mean I'm more "normal" than I was before? Am I going to keep getting more comfortable with food, and stop weighing and measuring things? That really scares me! I've already stopped counting calories in gum and in seasonings. I feel like I'm moving on. But food is still a huge issue for me, it is all that I think about. So I don't know, I'm confused really. I feel like I'm taking huge steps, but my mind is still very sick. Its causing my equilibrium to become imbalanced. What if I recover physically, but I'm still hurting on the inside? Sometimes I feel like the only way I can address my inner issues if my issues are showing on the outside. Actually I always feel that way. And I know that's not true, but its hard for me to get past that little hump.


  1. i love this post for reasons that i cannot yet divulge.
    i am smiling.
    i am nodding.
    i am resonating.
    what is your age? if you have previously informed me, then i apologise. but so much of what you write connects with particular periods of my life that i simply must have confirmation of it.
    please tune into my monday blog post, as it addresses the "what am i?" question. i adore your blog! x

    1. I'm going to be 22 next week. And thank you!

  2. I understand what you mean. Being physically recovered is amazing, but so scary. I still "think" like an anorexic but don't look it. It takes time for your head to catch up with your body.

    Keep writing!

  3. This is such a hard thing to grapple with....if I am not eating disordered, then what am I?? The eating disorder filled such a large part of my being, so I KNOW that it would be IMPOSSIBLE to "take it away" without replacing it with something else/other things. For me, I know that I will not achieve a state of recovery/be fully recovered until I begin to find meaning and fulfillment in other areas of my life. I have reached the point in my ED where I feel like I have ALMOST enough to let it go, but the one thing that I don't have is completely holding me back. I think of it as the eating disorder being the "fuel" in my metaphorical car...I have found a ton of meaning in my life and driven out about 3/4ths of the tank, but until the "tank" is empty, it will not be fully removed from my life.