This is not going to be a formal blog post about anything in particular, I'm just going to write about my day. It's probably going to be a bit long because I have a lot going on.
I pulled two allnighters in a row (and another one is planned for tonight... yay!), so as you can imagine I feel like a walking zombie. Although yesterday when I saw my psychiatrist, she said I looked pretty good for only getting 20 minutes of sleep.
I had an exam this morning in my adult aging and development class, which I didn't study nearly as well for as I should have (even though I pulled an allnighter?). The review sheet for the exam freaked me out, but it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Still, I think I should have done better. I have not gotten the results back yet.
I went to my Psychology of Women class, which I really enjoy. I speak in it sometimes, but then I always feel really dumb because after I speak up I feel like I missed the point or am way off. But that's my stupid problem, that I'm working on (not always thinking that everything I say is dumb). Afterwards, I talked to the TA because I had a really rough weekend for a lot of reasons, but I missed an assignment that counts for a big chunk of my grade. She was cool about it, and said if I got a note from my doctor, she could give me an extension.
I forgot to pack my lunch today which is always stressful, because picking out food stressed me out. I went to the diner to try to find something and walked around for about 15 minutes before getting overwhelmed and left. So I went to the convenience store, same deal. I just can't make decisions about food in the moment. Especially when everything on campus is "scary" (as they say), and I know I have "safe" food at home. So I just didn't eat, which like is not big deal to me, except I'm kind of on thin ice right now, so yeah.
Then I met with this leader from Cru (a Christian organization on campus) who I've been meeting with every week. She's pretty cool and helps give me some insight into the bible. Because even though I grew up in a Christian family, most of my life I did not really care, and for many years I was very resentful of God. I don't remember exactly what we talked about, but we left off with some homework that I'm supposed to do for next week. And some questions I had. We talked about the verse Romans 7:15 ("I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.") which resonates a lot with me. And continued to read through Romans 8:11. I was confused by that verse. Our translations are different, but it basically said that if Jesus dwells in you, he will do work in you, or something like that. I forget the exact wording. But basically I wanted to know, how do I get the Spirit to live in me, when I still have all these problems that I'm trying to work on. And what if the spirit dwells in me, but I don't WANT to change my behaviors? I mean, eating disorders suck, but recovery sucks too. And I'm always so conflicted about it. And that's for another post.
I had a group project after that. We worked on it for a while, and we have an outline going, but I'm going to be working on it late tonight.
Had therapy tonight. It was good. We talked about a situation I'm in that's really toxic for my recovery, that my therapist wants me to get out of. But it's really complicated, and I don't think I can do that. She is also good friends with my Psychology of Women professor, so she said she would have no problem getting me an extension. That's one of the great things about having a therapist that used to work on campus - she has connections and can do things like that for me.
My therapist is also super concerned with me right now. I brought something up last session that I probably shouldn't have, but you know, honesty is supposed to be helpful for my recovery and shit. But anyways, one of the first things she said when I walked in was "I can tell you've lost weight." Which I mean, my weight fluctuates, like everyone else's, so I'm not concerned. But she attributed that to the "toxic" situation I'm in. She also doesn't approve of my 3 overnighters in a row, and thinks I'm going to have a hard attack from all the energy drinks and coffee I've been consuming, I told her that's fine with me.
I stopped by 7/11 on the home to pick up some coffee and some late night study snacks (I still have some energy drinks from last night, because I didn't drink ALL of them). I'm currently on my 3rd cup of coffee (I don't think my therapist would approve.... whoops). Me and the 7/11 lady have this ritual going on. She brews me a pot of pumpkin coffee each night, I buy the largest cup they have, and then she finishes the pot. It's a great bonding experience.
Now that I've bored you with my life, I'm going to eat dinner and work on my homework.
Comments are always appreciated. :)
Sober Eating
I'm hesitant to post this because it's really taboo for some people, and I'm probably going to have some people private message my mom being like "do you know what your daughter said on her blog?". But I really hate eating sober. I feel like food is supposed to be enjoyable, and frankly, if I'm not on something while I'm eating, eating is such a chore. When I eat, I expect it to be a pleasurable experience. Like unicorns and rainbows and all that. My meal has to be perfect. Everything perfectly arranged on the plate, with the perfect mix of flavors. I have to be perfectly situated in my spot. And I have to be under the influence of something, anything.
When I'm sober, it's just a routine task. There's no pleasure to it. In fact, I feel guilty eating it. It's a waste of calories if I'm not enjoying it. Most people, I assume, just eat, and don't think about it. Sometimes food is good, sometimes it's mediocre, and occasionally the flavors are perfect. But for me, there's no point in eating if it's not "perfect."
I don't know if any of that makes sense. But this week has been a challenge for me. I've been so overwhelmed with school piling up, and volunteering, and babysitting, that I haven't had time to be irresponsible. Which in a sense is a good thing. But it makes eating so complicated, and I hate it.
I wish I could just think of food as food, like everybody else. I wish I knew how to enjoy food, without all the overwhelming thoughts that come with it, while I was sober. When I was a kid, food was food. It was good. But not too good. Just the right amount of good. I want to get that back. I want to be normal with food. Whatever that is.
When I'm sober, it's just a routine task. There's no pleasure to it. In fact, I feel guilty eating it. It's a waste of calories if I'm not enjoying it. Most people, I assume, just eat, and don't think about it. Sometimes food is good, sometimes it's mediocre, and occasionally the flavors are perfect. But for me, there's no point in eating if it's not "perfect."
I don't know if any of that makes sense. But this week has been a challenge for me. I've been so overwhelmed with school piling up, and volunteering, and babysitting, that I haven't had time to be irresponsible. Which in a sense is a good thing. But it makes eating so complicated, and I hate it.
I wish I could just think of food as food, like everybody else. I wish I knew how to enjoy food, without all the overwhelming thoughts that come with it, while I was sober. When I was a kid, food was food. It was good. But not too good. Just the right amount of good. I want to get that back. I want to be normal with food. Whatever that is.
"You look good"
For someone with an eating disorder, you probably can understand the feelings that come with the comment above. Lately, I've been getting comments like this a lot. "You look good," "you look healthy," "you look sexy," etc. Comments that logically I know are meant to be a compliment, but end up fucking with my mind.
What does, "you look good" mean anyways? Did I not look good before? Do you mean I look good, like bigger, or smaller than I did? I look healthy? Like you mean pudgy? Because when I think of healthy I think of having excess fat on the body to protect itself, which isn't a bad thing, if you're not me. And sexy. You mean I have curves? I've always liked curves on other people, but on me? No way.
Getting comments on my body, in any shape or form messes with my mind. You could tell me I look skinny, and I'd feel uncomfortable. "You think I'm skinny now, you should have seen me when I weighed X." I hate talking about body image, because it's such a stereotype that eating disorders revolve around body image, because they don't. Body image just comes in the package.
I think one reason that body comments really bother me, is that I feel like it implies that the person thinks you're well. I've come a long way, but I'm not where I need to be. I still purge, I still restrict, I still over exercise, but not like I did before. I manage it. Yes, I'm weight restored, but the behaviors are still there. And my mood, that's a whole other story, that also relates to this post.
I along with the comment, "you look good," came the comment, "you look happy." But am I? Sure, I'm not confined to my bed curled up in a ball crying every day. I enjoy moments of my life. I know that I can feel happiness. But overall, am I really happy? I still have bouts of depression and hopelessness that can last up to a few weeks. I still view suicide as a fascinating option, as a viable way out. I'm still clinically depressed, even though I'm better. So how can I be happy?
I guess comments on my body and my state of being make me feel like I'm portraying this recovered individual, and that's all a lie. I'm "healthy" compared to where I was 2 years ago. I'm "happy" compared to where I was 2 years ago. Do I look good compared to where I was 2 years ago? My therapist would scream YES, but I don't buy it.
For anyone, does it bother you when people make comments about your appearance or state of happiness?
Also, click on join this site on the right column for updates from me.
P.S. If you've ever made any of the above comments to me, it's okay. You're not me, you don't have my brain, you can't know what I'm going to take the wrong way and how it's going to affect me.
What does, "you look good" mean anyways? Did I not look good before? Do you mean I look good, like bigger, or smaller than I did? I look healthy? Like you mean pudgy? Because when I think of healthy I think of having excess fat on the body to protect itself, which isn't a bad thing, if you're not me. And sexy. You mean I have curves? I've always liked curves on other people, but on me? No way.
Getting comments on my body, in any shape or form messes with my mind. You could tell me I look skinny, and I'd feel uncomfortable. "You think I'm skinny now, you should have seen me when I weighed X." I hate talking about body image, because it's such a stereotype that eating disorders revolve around body image, because they don't. Body image just comes in the package.
I think one reason that body comments really bother me, is that I feel like it implies that the person thinks you're well. I've come a long way, but I'm not where I need to be. I still purge, I still restrict, I still over exercise, but not like I did before. I manage it. Yes, I'm weight restored, but the behaviors are still there. And my mood, that's a whole other story, that also relates to this post.
I along with the comment, "you look good," came the comment, "you look happy." But am I? Sure, I'm not confined to my bed curled up in a ball crying every day. I enjoy moments of my life. I know that I can feel happiness. But overall, am I really happy? I still have bouts of depression and hopelessness that can last up to a few weeks. I still view suicide as a fascinating option, as a viable way out. I'm still clinically depressed, even though I'm better. So how can I be happy?
I guess comments on my body and my state of being make me feel like I'm portraying this recovered individual, and that's all a lie. I'm "healthy" compared to where I was 2 years ago. I'm "happy" compared to where I was 2 years ago. Do I look good compared to where I was 2 years ago? My therapist would scream YES, but I don't buy it.
For anyone, does it bother you when people make comments about your appearance or state of happiness?
Also, click on join this site on the right column for updates from me.
P.S. If you've ever made any of the above comments to me, it's okay. You're not me, you don't have my brain, you can't know what I'm going to take the wrong way and how it's going to affect me.
I have a social life?
I know, I just posted. But I feel like I should actually make a post about something.
I get discouraged a lot about where I am in life, and how few friends I have, and how I'm so far behind socially than most people my age. But considering where I was 2 years ago, I really can't complain. Anti-social doesn't even begin to describe what I was a few years ago. People toss around phrases of being anti-social all the time, but I doubt very few of those people actually uses it literally.
As background information, from the summer of 2012 until January of 2014 when I went to treatment in Denver, I literally lived in my room. I went to work, and went to school, but my interactions with people were very few and far in between. I NEVER would have initiated a friendship, and in the rare event I was invited to do something, I would always turn them down because being around people outside of the professional setting was SCARY. When I say I lived in my room, I mean I would come out of my room to go to work/school, would walk straight past my siblings/parents and completely ignore them, and after work/school I would come straight home and go to my room. I had a fridge and toaster oven in my room so I didn't have to come out and be around people. People talk about social anxiety casually, but I was literally afraid of talking to people, even my own family.
I'm an entirely different person now, and sometimes I lose sight of how far I've come. Yes, I still consider myself "anti-social" but not in the literal sense like I used to. I spend a lot of time by myself, but that's because I need that. But I also do things with other people, and sometimes I even initiate it. It still causes me anxiety to go to parties or social gatherings where there are people I don't know, but I do it anyways.
Lately, my social life has been emerging. I do things on weekends with people now. Last week I went to the renaissance festival with my roommate and 2 friends, and I wasn't the awkwardly silent tag-a-long that I always fear I'm going to be, but I contributed to the conversation. Yesterday I went to a festival with my roommate and a FRIEND (I have some of those now), and walked around. And then me and my roommate drove to Jiffy Lube Live for a Brad Paisley concert (and had an awesome time! At least I did).
It's weird thinking about what a different life I live now. I still struggle with depression and social anxiety, and isolating is a huge temptation. But I've found that I do enjoy being around other people (for non-extensive amounts of time), and even if it causes me anxiety, I can still do it. It blows my mind that a few years ago I felt so hopeless about ever being able to be around people, and how isolated I was. There are still people that I'm scared to be around, but I've taken steps to overcome that. This summer I went on my first vacation since 2009, which was really scary for me, but I did it. I never thought I'd do that again.
I guess as I reflect on what I just wrote, I think about the areas in my life where I feel discouraged, like I'm not where I want to be yet, or that I'm never going to overcome certain obstacles. But I never thought I'd be where I am now socially. And even though I have some more hurdles to jump in that department, I should be proud of my accomplishments.
I get discouraged a lot about where I am in life, and how few friends I have, and how I'm so far behind socially than most people my age. But considering where I was 2 years ago, I really can't complain. Anti-social doesn't even begin to describe what I was a few years ago. People toss around phrases of being anti-social all the time, but I doubt very few of those people actually uses it literally.
As background information, from the summer of 2012 until January of 2014 when I went to treatment in Denver, I literally lived in my room. I went to work, and went to school, but my interactions with people were very few and far in between. I NEVER would have initiated a friendship, and in the rare event I was invited to do something, I would always turn them down because being around people outside of the professional setting was SCARY. When I say I lived in my room, I mean I would come out of my room to go to work/school, would walk straight past my siblings/parents and completely ignore them, and after work/school I would come straight home and go to my room. I had a fridge and toaster oven in my room so I didn't have to come out and be around people. People talk about social anxiety casually, but I was literally afraid of talking to people, even my own family.
I'm an entirely different person now, and sometimes I lose sight of how far I've come. Yes, I still consider myself "anti-social" but not in the literal sense like I used to. I spend a lot of time by myself, but that's because I need that. But I also do things with other people, and sometimes I even initiate it. It still causes me anxiety to go to parties or social gatherings where there are people I don't know, but I do it anyways.
Lately, my social life has been emerging. I do things on weekends with people now. Last week I went to the renaissance festival with my roommate and 2 friends, and I wasn't the awkwardly silent tag-a-long that I always fear I'm going to be, but I contributed to the conversation. Yesterday I went to a festival with my roommate and a FRIEND (I have some of those now), and walked around. And then me and my roommate drove to Jiffy Lube Live for a Brad Paisley concert (and had an awesome time! At least I did).
It's weird thinking about what a different life I live now. I still struggle with depression and social anxiety, and isolating is a huge temptation. But I've found that I do enjoy being around other people (for non-extensive amounts of time), and even if it causes me anxiety, I can still do it. It blows my mind that a few years ago I felt so hopeless about ever being able to be around people, and how isolated I was. There are still people that I'm scared to be around, but I've taken steps to overcome that. This summer I went on my first vacation since 2009, which was really scary for me, but I did it. I never thought I'd do that again.
I guess as I reflect on what I just wrote, I think about the areas in my life where I feel discouraged, like I'm not where I want to be yet, or that I'm never going to overcome certain obstacles. But I never thought I'd be where I am now socially. And even though I have some more hurdles to jump in that department, I should be proud of my accomplishments.
Re-welcome to my blog
It's been such a long time since I posted on this blog, that I completely forgot it existed. I don't expect anyone to read my old posts (they're not very interesting), but it's interesting to look back and see how unreal I was on my blog. I compare my posts from my tumblr around that time to my posts on here, and I was so deep in my ED at that time.
But regardless, this is about how I am now, not then. I'm sure if you're reading my blog you already know a little bit about me. I have not decided quite yet how I'm going to use this blog. Yes, my eating disorder is still a bit of a struggle for me (much different now than a few years ago, thank goodness), but I don't want this to be all about my eating disorder. Because I'm much more than that, right?
When I blog, it tends to be emotionally driven. But I want to steer away from that and be just real and vulnerable on here. There's not a lot I won't share about myself, but there are also some things that I'm not going to share on here. I want this blog to include the good, and the bad. I have a couple ideas for blog posts, but I also want feedback from you. I want my blog to be interactive. Right now I'm just experimenting with this, but we will see where it takes me.
One thing I want to be on my blog is open and vulnerable. We all have a lot of shit that goes on in our heads, and we deal with it in different ways, but I have found that being more open about my struggles has helped me move forward in my recovery, because nothing is a secret. And I want to encourage you to be vulnerable with me in your feedback.
So enough about what my blog is going to be about. I'll do a super quick intro for those who might just be coming across my blog. Hi, I'm Sarah. I'm 25, and yes I'm still in college. But I'm due to graduate in December with a bachelor's degree in Family Science. My hope is to go to Towson next Fall and o into their graduate program for Child Life Specialists, and become a Child Life Specialist that works in a hospital setting with children and their families. On top of a full load of classes, I volunteer about 4 days a week under the supervision of a Child Life Specialist, and also do a lot of overnight babysitting.
Some interesting or unique things about me.... Anyone who knows me knows I'm super obsessed with unicorns. Like it is crazy, and ridiculous, and if there's a unicorn I will go crazy about it. I also love pink and glitter and really girly things. But at the same time I love rough housing and playing in mud. Coffee is addictive and I could drink it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (although, I don't think that would meet my exchanges). I'm a vegetarian for animal rights reasons, and I love animals more than anything. I'm also one of 10 kids, the second oldest. Being in a big family IS challenging, but I love my family more than anything, and could not have asked for a better family.
So there you go. There's my intro post. Feel free to do the whole comment thing, subscribe, give feedback, etc. More posts to come soon.
But regardless, this is about how I am now, not then. I'm sure if you're reading my blog you already know a little bit about me. I have not decided quite yet how I'm going to use this blog. Yes, my eating disorder is still a bit of a struggle for me (much different now than a few years ago, thank goodness), but I don't want this to be all about my eating disorder. Because I'm much more than that, right?
When I blog, it tends to be emotionally driven. But I want to steer away from that and be just real and vulnerable on here. There's not a lot I won't share about myself, but there are also some things that I'm not going to share on here. I want this blog to include the good, and the bad. I have a couple ideas for blog posts, but I also want feedback from you. I want my blog to be interactive. Right now I'm just experimenting with this, but we will see where it takes me.
One thing I want to be on my blog is open and vulnerable. We all have a lot of shit that goes on in our heads, and we deal with it in different ways, but I have found that being more open about my struggles has helped me move forward in my recovery, because nothing is a secret. And I want to encourage you to be vulnerable with me in your feedback.
So enough about what my blog is going to be about. I'll do a super quick intro for those who might just be coming across my blog. Hi, I'm Sarah. I'm 25, and yes I'm still in college. But I'm due to graduate in December with a bachelor's degree in Family Science. My hope is to go to Towson next Fall and o into their graduate program for Child Life Specialists, and become a Child Life Specialist that works in a hospital setting with children and their families. On top of a full load of classes, I volunteer about 4 days a week under the supervision of a Child Life Specialist, and also do a lot of overnight babysitting.
Some interesting or unique things about me.... Anyone who knows me knows I'm super obsessed with unicorns. Like it is crazy, and ridiculous, and if there's a unicorn I will go crazy about it. I also love pink and glitter and really girly things. But at the same time I love rough housing and playing in mud. Coffee is addictive and I could drink it for breakfast, lunch, and dinner (although, I don't think that would meet my exchanges). I'm a vegetarian for animal rights reasons, and I love animals more than anything. I'm also one of 10 kids, the second oldest. Being in a big family IS challenging, but I love my family more than anything, and could not have asked for a better family.
So there you go. There's my intro post. Feel free to do the whole comment thing, subscribe, give feedback, etc. More posts to come soon.