Sober Eating

I'm hesitant to post this because it's really taboo for some people, and I'm probably going to have some people private message my mom being like "do you know what your daughter said on her blog?". But I really hate eating sober. I feel like food is supposed to be enjoyable, and frankly, if I'm not on something while I'm eating, eating is such a chore. When I eat, I expect it to be a pleasurable experience. Like unicorns and rainbows and all that. My meal has to be perfect. Everything perfectly arranged on the plate, with the perfect mix of flavors. I have to be perfectly situated in my spot. And I have to be under the influence of something, anything.

When I'm sober, it's just a routine task. There's no pleasure to it. In fact, I feel guilty eating it. It's a waste of calories if I'm not enjoying it. Most people, I assume, just eat, and don't think about it. Sometimes food is good, sometimes it's mediocre, and occasionally the flavors are perfect. But for me, there's no point in eating if it's not "perfect."

I don't know if any of that makes sense. But this week has been a challenge for me. I've been so overwhelmed with school piling up, and volunteering, and babysitting, that I haven't had time to be irresponsible. Which in a sense is a good thing. But it makes eating so complicated, and I hate it.

I wish I could just think of food as food, like everybody else. I wish I knew how to enjoy food, without all the overwhelming thoughts that come with it, while I was sober. When I was a kid, food was food. It was good. But not too good. Just the right amount of good. I want to get that back. I want to be normal with food. Whatever that is.