"You look good"

For someone with an eating disorder, you probably can understand the feelings that come with the comment above. Lately, I've been getting comments like this a lot. "You look good," "you look healthy," "you look sexy," etc. Comments that logically I know are meant to be a compliment, but end up fucking with my mind.

What does, "you look good" mean anyways? Did I not look good before? Do you mean I look good, like bigger, or smaller than I did? I look healthy? Like you mean pudgy? Because when I think of healthy I think of having excess fat on the body to protect itself, which isn't a bad thing, if you're not me. And sexy. You mean I have curves? I've always liked curves on other people, but on me? No way.

Getting comments on my body, in any shape or form messes with my mind. You could tell me I look skinny, and I'd feel uncomfortable. "You think I'm skinny now, you should have seen me when I weighed X." I hate talking about body image, because it's such a stereotype that eating disorders revolve around body image, because they don't. Body image just comes in the package.

I think one reason that body comments really bother me, is that I feel like it implies that the person thinks you're well. I've come a long way, but I'm not where I need to be. I still purge, I still restrict, I still over exercise, but not like I did before. I manage it. Yes, I'm weight restored, but the behaviors are still there. And my mood, that's a whole other story, that also relates to this post.

I along with the comment, "you look good," came the comment, "you look happy." But am I? Sure, I'm not confined to my bed curled up in a ball crying every day. I enjoy moments of my life. I know that I can feel happiness. But overall, am I really happy? I still have bouts of depression and hopelessness that can last up to a few weeks. I still view suicide as a fascinating option, as a viable way out. I'm still clinically depressed, even though I'm better. So how can I be happy?

I guess comments on my body and my state of being make me feel like I'm portraying this recovered individual, and that's all a lie. I'm "healthy" compared to where I was 2 years ago. I'm "happy" compared to where I was 2 years ago. Do I look good compared to where I was 2 years ago? My therapist would scream YES, but I don't buy it.

For anyone, does it bother you when people make comments about your appearance or state of happiness?

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P.S. If you've ever made any of the above comments to me, it's okay. You're not me, you don't have my brain, you can't know what I'm going to take the wrong way and how it's going to affect me.