Crisis

I had a rough night last night. I don't know how detailed I'm going to get, but just know there's some triggering content, and it's pretty personal. I'm pretty open about things, as you've probably realized. But if you have questions about things I don't share on here, I'd rather you ask me personally and non-anonymously so I can reply (feel free to comment anonymously though).

I've been struggling with lingering suicidal thoughts for a while. Usually nothing too intense, pretty passive, I'm sure most people experience that at some point in their lives. Sometimes it would get a little intense, but never where I felt unsafe or like I was in danger of harming myself.

The past two weeks have been rough. I've been pulling all nighters, od'ing on caffeine, not eating very well, and doing other harmful things to myself. I pulled another allnighter Tuesday night, and between Tuesday and Wednesday consumed a lot of caffeine and too much focalin.  I've also been out of some of my meds because I lost my prescriptions, and I was too afraid to go to my psychiatrist about it because I didn't want her to think I was irresponsible. Anyways, all of that together just triggered me over the top.

I came home from Dine (which wasn't bad at all) and we had a house meeting. I sat in it for a couple of minutes, but then my roommate noticed that I was really tired and my roommates were all cool with me leaving to go to sleep. At that point, I was physically and emotionally exhausted, and was already feeling pretty bad.

I'm not sure what happened, but when I got to my room I just started bawling. My emotions hit me like a truck, and I couldn't handle myself. I felt intensely suicidal, more than I've ever experienced. I talk about dying sometimes, but never with any intent. I felt like I was out of control of my actions, and I was really scared that I was going to do something harmful to myself, particularly kill myself. That was really scary for me because while suicide has been on my mind, I never felt it with that kind of intent.

I messaged my mom and told her right away that I felt unsafe. At first I wasn't going to talk to her on the phone because it was in the sunroom where everyone was, and I didn't want to go out there crying like I was. My mom was insisting that I call 911 or that she come and get me. I realized that I needed to talk to my mom, and had someone from my house bring me my phone. My mom talked to me the entire way to my house and came and helped me pack, and brought me home.

I talked to my dad on the phone on the way home, and then again when I got home and told him everything that was going on. He made me feel better because I felt so afraid of disappointing him for feeling like I was, and he told me I should never feel like I'm disappointing him for my feelings. We talked about how busy I've been, and how that's been too much to deal with. And we agreed that I need to quit my babysitting job (which I'm still not sure how I'm going to word that to her, because right now they're depending on me).

Anyways, I e-mailed my therapist and told her what happened. She replied, and in her message reassured me that I wasn't weak for feeling the way I felt, but was actually strong for recognizing I was in danger and reaching out to my mom (which is something a year ago I wouldn't have done). My mom also reassured me of this.

After talking to my dad, I was going to drink water and take some advil. But then I just started puking, probably because I drank too much water too quickly at home (I was super dehydrated by that point from not drinking water, and only drinking caffeine). My mom then helped me to bed and made sure I was safe before she left me.

I feel better this morning. The thoughts are still lingering, but they're very passive. I scheduled an emergency appointment with my psychiatrist, and we met and talked for almost an hour. She explained to me that sleep deprivation and consuming as much caffeine as I had been was messing with my dopamine levels, and could send any person into depression or suicidal episode. She said given that I was already vulnerable, she wasn't surprised that I had the night I had. She refilled my prescriptions, and also put me back on trazadone (which I used to be on) for 10 days to regulate my sleep schedule again. We're going to check-in again in two weeks, just to see how I'm doing.

Anyways, I feel much better today. I feel kind of guilty for missing classes, but I've been reassured that I made the right decision.

If you pray, I could use some prayer. Pray that I get my emotions regulated, and that I'm able to deal with the lingering suicidal thoughts. Pray that I'm able to better manage my schedule so I don't have to pull allnighters like I had been. And pray that I make smart decisions about what I prioritize (e.g. volunteering/babysitting/graduating in Dec./etc). Also pray that this is a wake up call to me to take better care of both my physical and mental health.

If you made it this far, thank you for reading. Hopefully my next post will be a little more positive. I know my posts have been really negative lately, and I need to start reflecting on the positive things in life.