Torn

I'm so torn and conflicted on what to do with my blog. I've gotten a lot of feedback from people on tumblr saying that my blog is really attention seeking, and that I'm seeking out validation.

I can honestly say that is not my intention. I want this blog to be honest, I want it to depict the real struggle of having and eating disorder, and how it's not a simply cure. I want to raise awareness, and to minimize the stigma. I want a voice, to be heard. When I'm struggling I feel alone, and writing in this helps me to not feel so alone, even if people don't read this.

But I feel really discouraged. On one hand, people are telling me I'm so attention seeking. I hate when people are attention seeking, and that's not what I want. But then I get feedback from people about my honesty, and how they appreciate it.

I really don't know how to blog anyways. Right now, I'm struggling, and unfortunately my world revolves around my eating disorder. That's pathetic, but it's the truth. I have nothing else to write about. How did my day go? Oh, it was awful because I panicked over what I was going to eat for x, y, and z. Or so-and-so triggered me to do x.

I do things. I'm on a retreat right now. I could blog about that. But the majority of my time has been spent in my eating disorder. I don't know if I should continue this blog, or just make it private and allow people e-mail access, or what I should do.

Again, blogging is good for me. It helps me be more honest with myself about my struggle, and to other people instead of pretending I'm doing great (because if you ask me in person how I'm doing, I'm likely to tell you that everything is going well.

I really just don't know what to do. My advice for you is to stop reading my blog if it bothers you. I feel like whatever I do is going to be wrong. I can omit my ED completely and pretend like things are great, or I can be "attention-seeking" but honest about what's going on. I can't please everyone.