I've talked a little about this situation I'm dealing with that's causing a lot of stress and is impacting my recovery negatively. I can't go into details about it, or even say what it is, but I'm a little relieved because if things aren't resolved I have a back up plan in place. And not only is the back up plan going to be helping me out, but also a friend.
I don't think I mentioned it, but I started working at Children's National Medical Center yesterday as a volunteer. Ironically, I was told that many of the patients on the unit struggle with eating disorders. I don't think it's going to affect me negatively, at least at this point, because we don't really talk about the condition with the patients. I think the only thing that's going to be hard is not being like "I know this is hard, I can relate," or telling them that they don't want to live like this because an eating disorder in adulthood is nothing to be proud of and is such a barrier to living your life. If it does become a problem, I think I'll ask to switch units. But I think it'll be okay.
I'm meeting with my advisor this coming week, and I'm going to talk to her about taking an incomplete in two of my classes. I haven't talked much about the whole academic side of things, but it's been so overwhelming, and I'm getting so far behind I can't keep up. I'm missing assignments, and while I have a note from my psychiatrist to accommodate me, I feel guilty relying on that. I want to talk to my advisor about the possibility of taking some incompletes, and maybe working for my dad in the spare time I have to help with appointments.
I'm also trying to get myself back on track, because right now I'm on a really slippery slope. I talk a lot about how conflicted I am about recovery, and I am conflicted. But in the long run (I need to stop thinking about the now), I want to have a life. I want to work and be self-sufficient, and I want to enjoy my job and my life. I want to have a house, and maybe even a family. I can't do any of that with my eating disorder. I'm working on structuring my treatment team more, and creating my own "treatment program" outpatient, so that I'm getting daily support.
Right now I'm seeing my therapist every other week (which I should be seeing her weekly), dietitian every other week (again, should be seeing weekly), psychiatrist 1-2x/month, and my PCP once a month, and Dine weekly.
I'm hoping to step up my therapy and dietitian schedule to once a week, keep the dine monte nido, psychiatry, and PCP in place, but also add art therapy every other week, and meet with a Christian therapist as needed. I wanted to replace my current therapist with the Christian one, but I'm nervous about leaving my current therapist because she has done a lot for me and is great at advocating for me. But I feel like my recovery from my eating disorder largely relies on faith, and I struggle a lot with that.
I don't know. All of this is going to be hard to fit in, but I'm just considering it, and how I'm going to pay for it. But I think working for my dad will be helpful because he's currently looking for a sale's person, and I think I could help him out in the meantime while making some money to pay for things that I want to be responsible for.
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label therapy. Show all posts
What a bad appointment
Oh gosh, I don't even know where to start. I had therapy today, and it really sucked. We had a lot to talk about, and my therapist was really firm with me. Basically we talked about the whole crisis that happened on Wednesday, and how I've not been doing well. She talked about how my judgement is impaired because I'm making bad decisions like not sleeping, overdosing on medications and caffeine, and not filling my prescriptions. I told her that I made a conscious decision last night to go to bed, even though I wanted to pull another. But then I told her I regretted not pulling the allnighters, and she used that as a way to defend her stance. She asked me if I was drinking my boosts (which I'm pretty sure was optional), and I told them I left them at my mom's house.
Regardless of all that, she blatantly said she wants me inpatient. She said she's scared for my safety right now because my load isn't getting easier (even though I quit my babysitting job??), and I'm in a "fragile state." She asked me what I was eating the past couple of days and she wasn't impressed (I mean, I'm not too impressed with myself either). I tried reassuring her that I'm going to be fine. I mean, I'm in the process of interviewing dietitians, I just started Dine, and I'm looking into art therapy. She's still not convinced, but she can't make me do something I'm not going to do, unless she gets a court order, which I don't think she can do on me because I'm mentally stable, and not in medical danger.
We also talked about this dangerous situation that I'm sort of trapped in. I can't explain the details, because I respect the people involved. But it's really taking a tol on me.
Anyways, it was a hard session. And I feel guilty for going against what my therapist wants me to do, but I know I'm safe. And to be honest, I almost don't care that I'm not eating enough. Like I want to recover, kind of, but I don't want to take the actions to do it. I just want to make everyone else happy.
Dine Monte Nido
I've been thinking about how I wanted to post this, or if I wanted to post it, but I feel like if you're following my life, this is kind of an important detail that may be relevant for future posts. Basically I'm starting Monte Nido's Dine program on Wednesday, October 7. I feel kind of weird posting it because I've been in and out of IOP/PHP/Res/IP/etc. for a while, and it's like, again?
Only this is different. Monte Nido is a treatment program that I believe started in California by Carolyn Costin (author of 8 keys to recovery from an eating disorder), and Dine is an affiliate of her program. It's only a one day program, and it's 3 hours long and includes dinner. The program is meant for people who want to recover and want to be there, as opposed to other programs I've been in where a lot of people are there because they're forced to be there.
I have a lot of apprehensions about starting the program. One of them is the leader, Alex Raymond, a new nutritionist that works for Rebecca Bitzer. Background info - Rebecca Bitzer is my old dietician, who also used to lead a group that Alex would sometimes run with her. Alex was also a student at UMD my first semester (when I was pretty bad in my ED). I was a nutrition major at the time (lol), and I think it was Alex's last semester there as a nutrition major. I went to their nutrition club one time, realized that I felt so awkward there because talking about food used to freak me out (why was I a nutrition major??), and didn't go back. Alex was also the leader of the nutrition club. I don't know if she remembers me, but it's just weird going to a program lead by a prior peer. And it's also going to be weird going to a program lead by a nutritionist rather than a therapist, because I feel like a lot of the group topics will be therapy issues?
Another apprehension is that the meals don't go by exchanges, they go by what is a "normal meal." I can't even remember eating a meal without either counting the calorie content, or counting exchanges (while still counting calories, because I can't eat something without calculating the calories in my head). So like, how am I supposed to know if I'm eating what fits into my meal plan (not like I follow my meal plan anyways, but I most certainly don't want to go over)?
And going along with the whole meal situation, it is required that everyone have a caloric drink with their meal. I know I shouldn't be as scared of caloric beverages as I am, but ahhhh. Like I can drink caloric beverages in certain situations. For instance, sometimes I drink soy milk with breakfast, but that's only if it fits into my allowed calories. Or I'll drink alcoholic beverages occasionally, but again, only if I underrate that day, because again, calories. I mean, why drink my calories if I can get just as many calories from food? I know it's possible for me to do the whole liquid calorie thing, because in past treatments I've done them. But it's always somehow fit into my meal plan (e.g. if I need a dairy, I'll have soy milk, if I need a fruit, I'll have coconut juice, etc.). I talked with the intake director about it, who said it was a common concern for people (which I knew), and that most people get used to it after a few weeks. But I still can't even wrap my mind around drinking COW'S milk, or non-diet soda. I hope we can at least choose something that's not so "scary."
I'm also nervous because the intake director said the program is for people who want to be there. I want to be there, but I want not to be there. I'm so conflicted in terms of recovery. I feel really stuck. Like I might have a good week, but then I have a bad week. I'm making no progress, and am constantly going back and forth. I don't know what I want. I'm exhausted. But I don't want to live with an eating disorder, because it's not living. I just feel really hopeless in terms of recovery and motivation. But the intake director thinks this might be a good fit for me, because I'll be surrounded by people who want to recover, and I can gain strength and motivation from them. I hope he's right.
I want to give the program a shot, but I've been kicked out of programs before due to non-compliance, and I've faked my way through programs before, and there have been times where I felt like I was really taking it in but still relapsed. I need this time to be different. I don't have time in my life to waste on an eating disorder. I feel like I need more support than I have now, but I don't have time for IOP/DAY/PHP/etc., so this needs to work. I have my future all planned out. Graduate in December, work in the spring and summer while accumulating volunteer hours, practicum over the summer, start grad school in the Fall. I don't have time in my life to backtrack and end up in a higher level of care.
Sorry this was a long post. I think I could use some encouragement, because I feel discouraged and unmotivated, and really ashamed of doing a program again when I've done them so many times. I'm scared this isn't going to work, or that I'm not going to be able to persevere.
Also, if you do the whole prayer thing, pray that I would really dive into this program and give it everything. And that I can be honest with my team about things, because I've been struggling with that too. And pray that I'll be motivated and encouraged by the other ladies in treatment.
Only this is different. Monte Nido is a treatment program that I believe started in California by Carolyn Costin (author of 8 keys to recovery from an eating disorder), and Dine is an affiliate of her program. It's only a one day program, and it's 3 hours long and includes dinner. The program is meant for people who want to recover and want to be there, as opposed to other programs I've been in where a lot of people are there because they're forced to be there.
I have a lot of apprehensions about starting the program. One of them is the leader, Alex Raymond, a new nutritionist that works for Rebecca Bitzer. Background info - Rebecca Bitzer is my old dietician, who also used to lead a group that Alex would sometimes run with her. Alex was also a student at UMD my first semester (when I was pretty bad in my ED). I was a nutrition major at the time (lol), and I think it was Alex's last semester there as a nutrition major. I went to their nutrition club one time, realized that I felt so awkward there because talking about food used to freak me out (why was I a nutrition major??), and didn't go back. Alex was also the leader of the nutrition club. I don't know if she remembers me, but it's just weird going to a program lead by a prior peer. And it's also going to be weird going to a program lead by a nutritionist rather than a therapist, because I feel like a lot of the group topics will be therapy issues?
Another apprehension is that the meals don't go by exchanges, they go by what is a "normal meal." I can't even remember eating a meal without either counting the calorie content, or counting exchanges (while still counting calories, because I can't eat something without calculating the calories in my head). So like, how am I supposed to know if I'm eating what fits into my meal plan (not like I follow my meal plan anyways, but I most certainly don't want to go over)?
And going along with the whole meal situation, it is required that everyone have a caloric drink with their meal. I know I shouldn't be as scared of caloric beverages as I am, but ahhhh. Like I can drink caloric beverages in certain situations. For instance, sometimes I drink soy milk with breakfast, but that's only if it fits into my allowed calories. Or I'll drink alcoholic beverages occasionally, but again, only if I underrate that day, because again, calories. I mean, why drink my calories if I can get just as many calories from food? I know it's possible for me to do the whole liquid calorie thing, because in past treatments I've done them. But it's always somehow fit into my meal plan (e.g. if I need a dairy, I'll have soy milk, if I need a fruit, I'll have coconut juice, etc.). I talked with the intake director about it, who said it was a common concern for people (which I knew), and that most people get used to it after a few weeks. But I still can't even wrap my mind around drinking COW'S milk, or non-diet soda. I hope we can at least choose something that's not so "scary."
I'm also nervous because the intake director said the program is for people who want to be there. I want to be there, but I want not to be there. I'm so conflicted in terms of recovery. I feel really stuck. Like I might have a good week, but then I have a bad week. I'm making no progress, and am constantly going back and forth. I don't know what I want. I'm exhausted. But I don't want to live with an eating disorder, because it's not living. I just feel really hopeless in terms of recovery and motivation. But the intake director thinks this might be a good fit for me, because I'll be surrounded by people who want to recover, and I can gain strength and motivation from them. I hope he's right.
I want to give the program a shot, but I've been kicked out of programs before due to non-compliance, and I've faked my way through programs before, and there have been times where I felt like I was really taking it in but still relapsed. I need this time to be different. I don't have time in my life to waste on an eating disorder. I feel like I need more support than I have now, but I don't have time for IOP/DAY/PHP/etc., so this needs to work. I have my future all planned out. Graduate in December, work in the spring and summer while accumulating volunteer hours, practicum over the summer, start grad school in the Fall. I don't have time in my life to backtrack and end up in a higher level of care.
Sorry this was a long post. I think I could use some encouragement, because I feel discouraged and unmotivated, and really ashamed of doing a program again when I've done them so many times. I'm scared this isn't going to work, or that I'm not going to be able to persevere.
Also, if you do the whole prayer thing, pray that I would really dive into this program and give it everything. And that I can be honest with my team about things, because I've been struggling with that too. And pray that I'll be motivated and encouraged by the other ladies in treatment.
Long day, long post
This is not going to be a formal blog post about anything in particular, I'm just going to write about my day. It's probably going to be a bit long because I have a lot going on.
I pulled two allnighters in a row (and another one is planned for tonight... yay!), so as you can imagine I feel like a walking zombie. Although yesterday when I saw my psychiatrist, she said I looked pretty good for only getting 20 minutes of sleep.
I had an exam this morning in my adult aging and development class, which I didn't study nearly as well for as I should have (even though I pulled an allnighter?). The review sheet for the exam freaked me out, but it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Still, I think I should have done better. I have not gotten the results back yet.
I went to my Psychology of Women class, which I really enjoy. I speak in it sometimes, but then I always feel really dumb because after I speak up I feel like I missed the point or am way off. But that's my stupid problem, that I'm working on (not always thinking that everything I say is dumb). Afterwards, I talked to the TA because I had a really rough weekend for a lot of reasons, but I missed an assignment that counts for a big chunk of my grade. She was cool about it, and said if I got a note from my doctor, she could give me an extension.
I forgot to pack my lunch today which is always stressful, because picking out food stressed me out. I went to the diner to try to find something and walked around for about 15 minutes before getting overwhelmed and left. So I went to the convenience store, same deal. I just can't make decisions about food in the moment. Especially when everything on campus is "scary" (as they say), and I know I have "safe" food at home. So I just didn't eat, which like is not big deal to me, except I'm kind of on thin ice right now, so yeah.
Then I met with this leader from Cru (a Christian organization on campus) who I've been meeting with every week. She's pretty cool and helps give me some insight into the bible. Because even though I grew up in a Christian family, most of my life I did not really care, and for many years I was very resentful of God. I don't remember exactly what we talked about, but we left off with some homework that I'm supposed to do for next week. And some questions I had. We talked about the verse Romans 7:15 ("I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.") which resonates a lot with me. And continued to read through Romans 8:11. I was confused by that verse. Our translations are different, but it basically said that if Jesus dwells in you, he will do work in you, or something like that. I forget the exact wording. But basically I wanted to know, how do I get the Spirit to live in me, when I still have all these problems that I'm trying to work on. And what if the spirit dwells in me, but I don't WANT to change my behaviors? I mean, eating disorders suck, but recovery sucks too. And I'm always so conflicted about it. And that's for another post.
I had a group project after that. We worked on it for a while, and we have an outline going, but I'm going to be working on it late tonight.
Had therapy tonight. It was good. We talked about a situation I'm in that's really toxic for my recovery, that my therapist wants me to get out of. But it's really complicated, and I don't think I can do that. She is also good friends with my Psychology of Women professor, so she said she would have no problem getting me an extension. That's one of the great things about having a therapist that used to work on campus - she has connections and can do things like that for me.
My therapist is also super concerned with me right now. I brought something up last session that I probably shouldn't have, but you know, honesty is supposed to be helpful for my recovery and shit. But anyways, one of the first things she said when I walked in was "I can tell you've lost weight." Which I mean, my weight fluctuates, like everyone else's, so I'm not concerned. But she attributed that to the "toxic" situation I'm in. She also doesn't approve of my 3 overnighters in a row, and thinks I'm going to have a hard attack from all the energy drinks and coffee I've been consuming, I told her that's fine with me.
I stopped by 7/11 on the home to pick up some coffee and some late night study snacks (I still have some energy drinks from last night, because I didn't drink ALL of them). I'm currently on my 3rd cup of coffee (I don't think my therapist would approve.... whoops). Me and the 7/11 lady have this ritual going on. She brews me a pot of pumpkin coffee each night, I buy the largest cup they have, and then she finishes the pot. It's a great bonding experience.
Now that I've bored you with my life, I'm going to eat dinner and work on my homework.
Comments are always appreciated. :)
I pulled two allnighters in a row (and another one is planned for tonight... yay!), so as you can imagine I feel like a walking zombie. Although yesterday when I saw my psychiatrist, she said I looked pretty good for only getting 20 minutes of sleep.
I had an exam this morning in my adult aging and development class, which I didn't study nearly as well for as I should have (even though I pulled an allnighter?). The review sheet for the exam freaked me out, but it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. Still, I think I should have done better. I have not gotten the results back yet.
I went to my Psychology of Women class, which I really enjoy. I speak in it sometimes, but then I always feel really dumb because after I speak up I feel like I missed the point or am way off. But that's my stupid problem, that I'm working on (not always thinking that everything I say is dumb). Afterwards, I talked to the TA because I had a really rough weekend for a lot of reasons, but I missed an assignment that counts for a big chunk of my grade. She was cool about it, and said if I got a note from my doctor, she could give me an extension.
I forgot to pack my lunch today which is always stressful, because picking out food stressed me out. I went to the diner to try to find something and walked around for about 15 minutes before getting overwhelmed and left. So I went to the convenience store, same deal. I just can't make decisions about food in the moment. Especially when everything on campus is "scary" (as they say), and I know I have "safe" food at home. So I just didn't eat, which like is not big deal to me, except I'm kind of on thin ice right now, so yeah.
Then I met with this leader from Cru (a Christian organization on campus) who I've been meeting with every week. She's pretty cool and helps give me some insight into the bible. Because even though I grew up in a Christian family, most of my life I did not really care, and for many years I was very resentful of God. I don't remember exactly what we talked about, but we left off with some homework that I'm supposed to do for next week. And some questions I had. We talked about the verse Romans 7:15 ("I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do.") which resonates a lot with me. And continued to read through Romans 8:11. I was confused by that verse. Our translations are different, but it basically said that if Jesus dwells in you, he will do work in you, or something like that. I forget the exact wording. But basically I wanted to know, how do I get the Spirit to live in me, when I still have all these problems that I'm trying to work on. And what if the spirit dwells in me, but I don't WANT to change my behaviors? I mean, eating disorders suck, but recovery sucks too. And I'm always so conflicted about it. And that's for another post.
I had a group project after that. We worked on it for a while, and we have an outline going, but I'm going to be working on it late tonight.
Had therapy tonight. It was good. We talked about a situation I'm in that's really toxic for my recovery, that my therapist wants me to get out of. But it's really complicated, and I don't think I can do that. She is also good friends with my Psychology of Women professor, so she said she would have no problem getting me an extension. That's one of the great things about having a therapist that used to work on campus - she has connections and can do things like that for me.
My therapist is also super concerned with me right now. I brought something up last session that I probably shouldn't have, but you know, honesty is supposed to be helpful for my recovery and shit. But anyways, one of the first things she said when I walked in was "I can tell you've lost weight." Which I mean, my weight fluctuates, like everyone else's, so I'm not concerned. But she attributed that to the "toxic" situation I'm in. She also doesn't approve of my 3 overnighters in a row, and thinks I'm going to have a hard attack from all the energy drinks and coffee I've been consuming, I told her that's fine with me.
I stopped by 7/11 on the home to pick up some coffee and some late night study snacks (I still have some energy drinks from last night, because I didn't drink ALL of them). I'm currently on my 3rd cup of coffee (I don't think my therapist would approve.... whoops). Me and the 7/11 lady have this ritual going on. She brews me a pot of pumpkin coffee each night, I buy the largest cup they have, and then she finishes the pot. It's a great bonding experience.
Now that I've bored you with my life, I'm going to eat dinner and work on my homework.
Comments are always appreciated. :)