Really long a depressing

Hey guys, sorry I've been absent for such a long time. I've thought about posting, but I just don't have anything interesting to say. I'm going to just go ahead and fill you in on how I am feeling, but I just want to warn you in advance that it is very pessimistic.

Anyways, to be honest I'm not really sure how I am feeling. Like I will go to school and interact with people in classes. Like I actually have a few people where I can joke around with and talk about stuff (not like serious stuff or anything). When I'm at school I honestly think I'm happy. Like my mood is somewhat energetic, I'm not isolated, etc. When I'm there I almost completely forget about how intense my depression is when I get back to my apartment.

But that's just it, as soon as I am out of the school environment it hits me like a god damn truck. Sometimes its in my car, other times it waits until I'm in my room alone. But I just curl up in a ball and can't stop crying. I can't get anything done at home, I can't think or do homework or clean my room or anything. I feel suicidal and all I can think about is how much I hate myself and how much I can't stand to live like this any longer. I don't want to die, I know rationally that death cannot be the option. But when I'm here in my apartment, it is like my mindset is completely reversed and death is the only option.

I really don't understand how I can go from feeling great to being so miserable in a day, and this is every single day. I really just don't understand it. I can't be depressed can I? I mean, if I were depressed I would be miserable at school too. But I've never felt such intense depression and hopelessness in my life.

To top it off, my binging is just way out of hand. I hate how I can't find a balance with food, its either restricting or binging/purging. I try to do the right thing for my body and give it what it needs, and then I end up just binging on everything I can find. The other day I had to break things up and throw it away just so I wouldn't continue eating it, but then the next morning I dug it out of the trash can and ate it. That's fucking foul. The only thing now is that I'm not purging, I am not allowing that to be an option anymore. Don't get me wrong, I WANT to purge so bad. Its not even about ridding myself of the calories anymore, its just comforting... its such a relief to be able to purge, and I don't mean that physically. The ONE thing stopping me is my teeth. Basically they're pretty much destroyed, I can't do anything about that. My dentist said that at the rate my teeth are going, there's a good chance I'm going to have to wear dentures in the next couple of years, and all I can do now is to stop vomiting to slow down the process. Sometimes I think I would rather jusr have the dentures, that ways its done and over with, and I can go back to purging.

I'm really sorry, that was horrible.

In regard to food, I feel like my only option now is restricting again. Going back to my safe foods, the ones I was eating over the summer, is the only way I know how to guarantee I won't binge. I know that shouldn't be an option at all, but what else do I do? Accept the binging? That's not healthy either. I really don't know. This food thing is so confusing to me. You'd think by now I would have that part figured out, like knowing what to do but just choosing not to do it. But no, I really don't know what to do with food.

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I'm going home for spring break in 9 days, and I am so scared to go now. I have definitely put on weight in the last 8 weeks. My clothes all fit differently or are too small. I almost weigh as much as I did when I moved to Texas. I feel like the moment my parents see me in the airport they're going to think "wow, she's really let herself go. I guess she got over that whole eating disorder thing." I'm afraid to meet up with friends because I know they're going to look at me and think I'm fat. Okay, that last sentence was a slight exaggeration, I hope they don't think I'm fat, but if their perception is anywhere as skewed as my own, they will.

I was really looking forward to meeting up with my friends when I got home, and now I don't even want to anymore. I'm afraid of what everyone is going to think when they see me.

I'm sorry for the negativity, but today is just awful. I'm feeling so depressed and lonely. I don't understand how these intense feelings come on so quickly. Yesterday I was okay, I may have even felt happy for vague moments. But today I just can't stop crying because I'm so lonely and depressed.

God I feel like I'm throwing a pity party. I'm really not. I really just wish I had someone to talk to sometimes so I didn't feel like this every other day. I wish my parents would call me. I feel so silly saying that since I'm 22, but I really am homesick and want to hear their voice, and want reassurance that they still love me and care about me.

Party!

My birthday is in 4 days, and I'm throwing myself a party. I'm going to decorate my bedroom with pink balloons and streamers and make birthday party hats for my stuffed unicorns, and then I'm going to sit my unicorns around a table with a slice of cake and a candle in it. And then they're going to sing happy birthday to me, and I'm going to make a wish and blow out the candle. And then we're gonna eat the cake. And its going to be the best birthday party ever.

I'm actually not even kidding. I am so excited about this little party I'm throwing with my unicorns.

Am I scared to recover?

This is probably just going to be another random post that branches off of my current thoughts. But I guess they all kind of lead to the same general theme.... being scared that I may actually be closer to recovery (which I will get to later).

On Wednesday evening, I got my period for the first time since April, and even then I had only gotten it very irregularly since Renfrew. I really am trying to see it as a good thing, not just in the sense of recovery, but for my bone health. I am extremely worried about my bones lately, and I know that amenorrhea greatly increases your risk for osteoporosis. So on one hand I AM very happy to have it back. Yes I realize getting it once doesn't mean I actually have it back, but it is a start in right direction. But at the same time, I get this sinking feeling that I know longer meet the medical standards for Anorexia Nervosa.

If I'm not Anorexic, what am I (rhetorical question - I've been waffling with recovery long enough to know the answer to this one). Getting my period also leads me to thoughts like "I'm fat - obviously I wouldn't be getting my period if I were incredibly underweight." And I feel like I no longer have my thing that makes me unique, that makes me different from everyone else. Clearly these are irrational ways of thinking, I know that. I mean whatever happened to the middle area between emaciated and fat? And really, its not like I go around telling people about my menstrual issues, so that would never even be considered as one of my identifying charactaristics.

Lately I have also been stretching my limits around my roommates. I am actually COOKING while they're in the living room watching TV. Before, if people were around, I'd just do something quick and easy that just required a microwave to heat up. Or I'd make my meals first thing in the morning before anyone woke up, and have it ready to just reheat when I get home. But now I'm actually using the oven and the stove simultaneously, preparing things that require me to stand in the kitchen for upwards of 40 minutes. Being in the kitchen with people around in general makes me uncomfortable, so this is a stretch for me. I still measure things out in advance, I don't know if I could deal with them seeing me do my strange things with my food. But this is big for me.

On one hand, I am so happy I got over that hurdle. This is something I have not been able to do in years. I haven't been able to do it with any of my other roommates. I can't do it with my family. I feel good knowing that even though I'm still not quite comfortable with it, I can do it, and its gradually getting more comfortable and normal. I like being able to have the option of eating REAL food for dinner, rather than something that takes me two minutes to toss together. I like not having to stress out all day over how I'm going to make dinner because people are home. I like that I feel more secure with them than I had with anybody else.

But that scares me too. Like what next? Does this mean I'm more "normal" than I was before? Am I going to keep getting more comfortable with food, and stop weighing and measuring things? That really scares me! I've already stopped counting calories in gum and in seasonings. I feel like I'm moving on. But food is still a huge issue for me, it is all that I think about. So I don't know, I'm confused really. I feel like I'm taking huge steps, but my mind is still very sick. Its causing my equilibrium to become imbalanced. What if I recover physically, but I'm still hurting on the inside? Sometimes I feel like the only way I can address my inner issues if my issues are showing on the outside. Actually I always feel that way. And I know that's not true, but its hard for me to get past that little hump.

WIAW: Take Two

Good morning everyone! My last few posts have been a bit on the serious side. So no better way to lighten things up than a WIAW! (Or Tuesday, because I actually remember to take pics of at least some of my food)



Of course my morning started out with a hot cup of coffee to wake me up, I don't think that's news to anyone.



Breakfast was a bowl of Chai Spiced oatmeal. Basically a package of Natures Path Hemp Seed Oatmeal cooked in Almond Milk with 2 hesping tablespoons of flaxmeal, 1/2 a banana, stevia, cardamon, and cinnamon. I'd show you a pic, but lets be real, I'm sure you've already seen about 50 pics of oatmeal this morning.





I was starving by the time I got to art class, so I bought a odwalla bar from the bookstore to hold me over until I could have something decent.





For lunch, I made these lentil garlic breads! I got them off of Kaboca Fashionistas blog. ( http://kabochafashionista.com/2012/01/27/savory-snacking-garlic-lentil-flatbreads/) They were so easy to make, just ground up red lentils (to make a flour), flaxseed, water, salt, and garlic. I made them into muffin molds, just because that's what I had available. They were so good, and dense! I'm definitely going to make them again, only next time I might keep them in the oven a bit longer, because the middle was slightly moist. It makes me wonder what other spices I could add to these to make different varieties of bread. Like maybe I could make a more breakfasty bread with cinnamon/ginger/cardamon/etc.



I also had some vegetables, hummus, and a pink lady on the side. But again, who really wants to see pics of that....





Dinner was acorn squash baked in the oven, and sprouted green lentils with sesame seeds and some random seasonings mixed in.





I also got this lovely package from Maggie over at The Vegan Cookbook Aficianado ( http://cookbookaficionado.wordpress.com/). It was full of her homemade smores granola bars, and a bag of Dandies Marshmallows. I already tried one of the granola bars (....or two) and they were delicious! I'm not sure what I'm going to do with the marshmallows yet, maybe rice krispies, or I could try my shot at my own homemade oat bars.



Wells that's all for today. Hope you enjoyed today's edition of WIAW. =)