A few random thoughts before I go to bed

I'm posting from my phone, so this will be quick, I promise.

- Today was an amazing day food wise. I didn't binge or do any of that insane save my calories until late at night BS. I paced my meals throughout the day. And get this, I ate when I was HUNGRY rather than when I had preplanned when I could. I know I probably ate less than recommended, and to be honest I don't know what is the actual recommended amount for me since everywhere says something else. But I feel like I did pretty good today, so I'm happy for me.

-My Math professor sent out an email stating that the report which was due Thursday was going to be moved back a week. There was some confusion on the deadline since she had stated two different dates on different places. But since she said it was her mistake, she's giving us the extra week. YES! I didn't read the email until I had spent a few hours in the library studying for the report. So now I have an extra week, AND a lot of the work out of the way!

- I'm really really trying to be okay with my body. It's really hard, as I'm sure many of you can relate. But I'm trying to just accept my body. My body is changing, and I want to be okay with it. I'm not okay with it, but I'm trying to be.

-My depression is so prevalent lately. It's a totally new kind of depression than I'm used to though. Ive been depressed before, but this is different than I've experienced. Lately I'm just not a part of this world. I feel so distant from everything going on around me. I go to class and pass people in the hallways, and they don't exist. Nothing exists really. I'm just a bubble walking from point A to B. It's so weird and I don't know how to explain it. In a way I guess I'm just blocking out all of my thoughts and emotions, and in doing that I'm blocking the world out.

-I'm also having an extremely difficult time dealing with Jesse's death and the accident. I don't understand it, it was 5 years ago, I should be close to the end of this grieving process. But it has been hitting me with a ton of bricks every day lately. That's the one thing I can't block out. I break down and cry every time I think about it, which is daily now. Lately its been in the car, because its just me and my thoughts there. It's not just Jesse's death; it was the entire event, just the way it took place. And then the months following it. Those were very painful months for me, and I wish I could tell people why because sometimes I feel like just being able to express it my pain to someone would help relieve it just a little. But it still hurts. And right now it hurts a lot.

This post wasn't meant to be emotional for me, it was supposed to be a quick rundown of my thought. But that last one is really getting me right now. And I just want to go to bed because I can't deal with my emotions at the moment.

It's Monday...

I'm not going to say we all hate Mondays, that's a bit of a generalization. I'm sure not everyone hates Monday. Heck, I used to not have a problem with Monday. To be honest, if I remember correctly, I used to love Monday. It meant that I actually had something to do. The weekends were so dull and boring, and I felt like I was just counting down the hours until I could eat my next meal, take a shower, have a cigarette (back when I smoked - it really just was a time filler for me), etc.

Now its quite the opposite. While Monday isn't my BUSIEST day of the week, it's definitely the day that I have to start kicking myself into high gear. Preparing myself for the week both emotionally, and also in regards to making sure I have everything done. I only have my chemistry lecture and lab today, which is nice. But I'm going to be spending the entire day on campus writing a report for Math, doing math homework, making sure I understand the lab for tonight, and getting ahead on readings for my other classes.

I feel like I can never spend enough time studying. I don't know whether that's good or bad, sometimes I feel like I spend too much time studying things that most people just skim over. For instance, Math. I'm good at Math, I actually really love Math. But this past Friday I spent the entire day doing math problems, math homework that was assigned, but not to be turned in. Not only doing the assignments, but reading the text thouroughly and taking notes. I mean, I'm sure it will be nice when I I'm preparing for the exams and just need to freshen myself up on the material. But is it really necessary?

I don't really know what I'm getting at in this post. I guess the main reason I was writing this is that I'm really dreading the next few days. Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I'm stressed out, definitely. I have a lot to do. Tuesdays and Thursdays are hell because I have classes from 11:30 - 5:30, and have to get on campus an hour early because my car is unreliabld. But you know what, it's only four days. I can handly four days. And then I have Friday, Saturday, and Sunday to relax a little. I can do this.

I need to find some inexpensive way to reward myself on the weekend. I tend to use food as a reward - "you've worked so hard this week, you can splurge a little and have a REAL meal!" I think using food as an incentive to get through the week is kind of an unhealthy way of thinking. It's kind of like the idea of parents rewarding their child's good behavior with candy. What I eat shouldn't be determined by how well I've performed.

What are some ways you reward yourself at the end of a hard week?

Do you have a tendency to over study for things?

[This post may be triggering for people, just putting that out there. No specific weights are mentioned, but weight is the topic of this post]


I'm feeling very crappy about my body today. I know bad body image is normal, and given the fact that I felt great in my body just last week, it, may possibly be teorary as well. But really cannot stand being on my body right now. Since being home (by home, I mean back at school) my weight has shot up 10 lbs. 10 lbs in 2 weeks. I am a short person, 5 lbs shows, 10 lbs makes a huge difference.

Rationally I know I could not have gained that much. I mean if we're following the whole 3500 kcal equals a lb rule, then I would have had to consume 35,000kcal in excess over the past two weeks. That's 2,500 kcal a day in addition to what my body needs to maintain.

Now playing it safe, lets say I really did screw up my metabolism and my body really does maintain on 1200 kcal (yes, I realize my body needs probably more than that to maintain.... this is just for the purpose of trying to console myself). That would mean I would have to have taken in 3,700 kcal every day, on average.

I have not taken in that many calories once, even on those nights where I have the "out of control eating." I may have come close, but not once have I had that many calories in one day.

So yes, I know the facts, I know the logic. This has to be water weight, right? But I feel gross. Disgusting. I've been wearing my "fat pants" the past few days. None of my normal jeans even fit without giving me rolls and, making me extremely uncomfortable. And these jeans were loose on me when I was home (not at school) over Christmas break.

Bottom line of this post. I feel fat. Yes, I said. I hate when people say it. But that's how I feel. I don't want people telling me I'm not fat, because I never said I was.

Damaged

It reoccurs to me time and time again. I've already done the damage, and some things you don't get back. The big one for me that I think about constantly is my teeth and my bones. It really hit me hard again last night while I was eating dinner. As I was taking a forkful of my food, I chipped a big part of my front tooth off from barely even touching the fork to my teeth. I immediately got up and starting pacing back in forth from my dinner to the bathroom out of panic, not sure what to even do with myself. I was kind of in mental shock I guess. Maybe if it had been the first time it wouldn't not have been such a big deal. But the problem is that it keeps happening.

My front teeth are chipping away, and they're getting smaller and more jagged very quickly. My dentist even pointed this out to me when I visited him this past December; my teeth are so weak now that they're just breaking apart. What's going to happen 10 years from now? Your teeth don't continue to grow after they've already been formed, he explained that to me. What I have in my mouth now is what I have, and once they start to decline, it's an ongoing process that can't be stopped. And since this past summer the health of my teeth has been declining rapidly. It doesn't change the fact that I've turned things around from summer (summer was bad - probably worse than when I first went into treatment), nothing can fix the damage I've already done to my teeth. I feel like no matter what I do now, regardless of the fact that I haven't purged in nearly a month, or that I'm making an effort to get in enough calcium and vitamin D from food sources, my teeth continue to get worse.

I was looking up information on teeth last night, because that's when I'm already overly anxious about something - I look up more information to cause anxiety. Anyways, one piece of information that was constantly brought to my attention is that the "health of your teeth are a very good indication of the health of your bones." Basically if your bones are bad, your teeth will be bad too. Which got me thinking, if my teeth are chipping apart and corroding, what on earth is going on with my bones?

I've thought about it before, the possibility of me having osteoporosis, but I usually try to avoid thinking about it because its not something that I feel like my parents want to get into (they kind of avoid the subject of my eating disorder). The last time I got a Dexa Scan was in early 2010 when I got back from Renfrew, and I never did get my results back from it. And since then I know I've done more damage. I haven't gotten a period since April of last year, and I haven't had a regular period in 3 years - putting me at a huge risk for osteoporosis. I never really made an effort to include more calcium or vitamin D or magnesium (for those of you who don't know, if you have enough calcium and vitamin D, but not enough magnesium, it can increase your risk of osteoporosis) until this past fall. Lately I have been having a lot of bone pain in my back and my lower legs, I don't know if that's psychological (like I'm worried about having a condition, so now I'm feeling symptoms that don't actually exist), but it really worries me.

I'm sorry if this post is really negative and depressing. But right now I'm just feeling very weighed down by a lot of thoughts, and that's just something I needed to get out. It disheartens me to know that whatever I do to my body now doesn't change the fact that I've already ruined it in so many different ways. I can't fix that.

Im feeling sexy today

I'm posting because its a good day. I feel like in general I tend to update blogs and facebook statuses and the like when thinks are shitty. But it shouldn't be that way. I should be able to talk about days when life is great as well.

Today was just overall good. I was somewhat productive - I mean, I could have gotten more done, but its better than some days where I just lie around in bed all day. I had a great day with food. I ate well and wasn't triggered to binge. And my body image was ballin'! Seriously, I woke up feeling pretty shitty about myself ecause last night had been another binge, but I still ate breakfast regardless, put on some clothes, looked in the mirror and thought "hey, I look damn good!" And I often have brief moments of thinking I look good, but this lasted all day, despite nourishing myself properly.


Anyways, I thought I would share my good day of food with you. :-) If you're not into this kind of thing, just a heads up now..... I won't be offended if you leave.

For breakfast I had a bowl of Nature's Path Flax Plus Pumpkin Raisin Crunch with a small sliced up banana and vanilla almond breeze.

Yes, I know its a lot of milk compared to the amount of cereal. I had already gotten the measuring cup out before I realized that I probably wouldn't need that much milk for the cereal, but then I heard my roommate in the hall so I frantically poured my milk so I could get out of the kitchen before she saw me. I'm kind of anti social, if I haven't mentioned yet. =/


After I got dressed and realized how sexy I was looking, I headed to school to get some homework done. I worked in the library for about 3 hrs before heading home. I could have done more, but I was just getting exhausted and wasn't getting as much accomplished, so I figured I had done enough.

Lunch was a Hemp Tortilla wrap filled with lots of hummus, broccoli, carrots, sesame seeds, and nutritional yeast, and more carrots on the side.

I stuffed so much in it that I couldn't get it closed! But it was good, nonetheless.

Later on I had two juicy oranges.

Later on I was definitely ready for dinner, but I had already planned in my mind what I wanted since I knew my roommates were going out and I would be able to use the kitchen. But they ended up going out much later than I had originally thought. So to hold myself over until they left, I had a Raw Revolution Chocolate Coconut Bar.

I love these bars! There are so few ingredients in them and they are all unprocessed, so you can taste and feel each nut and ingredient within it. And when you're reading the list of ingredients on the back, I guarantee you that you can recognize every one of them, and would all easily be something you could find in your grocery store. But its still sweet and tastes almost like a candy bar, but satiating at the same time!

Once my roommates finally left, I cooked dinner, and it was even better than anticipated.

Half a small butternut squash, 2 parsnips, and cooked sprouted mung beans. Mmm!

Anyways, I hope everyone else is having a nice weekend. :-)

Finding a balance with food

Lately, like since being home I guess, I've been really struggling with binging. I go through bouts of this periodically, so its not like I've never dealt with it before. But normally I would compensate by using purging. I have not been allowing myself to use purging as a coping mechanism since seeing my dentist mid December when he informed me that I no longer had any enamel on the backs of my teeth, and basically told me that my teeth were in such bad shape right now that all I can do now is use measures to prevent them from getting worse. OK normally scare tactics don't work for me, and I already knew my teeth were awful. But I've been motivated to stop that behaviour for a long time now, and that was kind of like the last straw.
Anyways, that was a little bit of a tangent.... back to the main reason why I am making this post. I feel like I can never find a balance between eating enough or over indulging. I understand that overindulging is a normal part of eating - like normal people do it (haha.... whatever normal people even means). But I don't think its okay to eat like 3 bakery sized cookies, plus 4 Lara bars, in one sitting. I guess I wouldn't call it a binge. And I guess occasionally this wouldn't be the end of the world for healthy people either. But the problem is I go through these bouts where it will happen 4 nights a week for a month straight.
The irritating part about it is what triggers it (or at least what the surface level trigger for me is). I will get extremely motivated to recover, and decide that I'm going to go to the store and buy all kinds of healthy things; cereals, snacks, produce, treats to indulge.... like basically a mix of healthy and a mix of things I love (I mean I love healthy food too.... you know what I mean). And then its like, I get home and plan out my meals.... and then I get obsessive, overanalyzing every meal plan I set out for myself, changing it around constantly trying to make it "perfect." This obsessiveness makes me desire food even more, and so I put off eating my non safe foods, until when I finally do it like "lets eat ALL the bread on the loaf.... and ALL the trail mix in that bag," etc.
And of course, this makes me want to restrict. I try not to, but I end up pushing off eating until late in the day because A.) I'm still stuffed from the previous evenings indulgence, and B.) I'm afraid I'm going to do it again. And of course that leaves me in the same cycle.
I don't know how to stop the cycle. I mean I've done it before, but not healthily. Its black or white. I either eat everything, or I restrict to a very unhealthy amount. I know many people who have struggle with bulimic behaviours can relate with me on this. Its really frustrating though because its like no matter what I do it triggers one behaviour or another.
Sorry this post was so long and drawn out.
How do you get out of the black or white aspect of eating?

My first WIAW

This is my first go at this. And I'm almost ever so slightly ashamed to say that one of my biggest motivators in creating my blog was to be able to participate in Peas and Crayons WIAW. Anyways, here's my WIAW.




Brekkers

A huge bowl of Nature's Path Heritage Flakes with Strawberries mixed in (and more on the side) with vanilla almond milk... the sweetened kind.

I had actually just bought the sweetened kind for the first time in my life this week. They had them in little individual containers, so I figured that would be an easy way for me to have my almond milk without having to be all OCD about the measuring and stuff. And to my surprise, I love it! I may have to permanantly switch from my normal original unsweetened to this. :-) Ohh, another thing in which I love about this stuff.... 50% of my recommended calcium.

Lunch

Cooked acorn squash and parsnips, with a kale and carrot salad on the side with homemade dressing.

The salad actually wasn't all that great. Normally I would like to have more in it, but since I'm going home to Texas on Friday I was basically just using up everything I had left in my fridge. Now the squash and parsnips on the other hand.... I could eat those every day!

Dinner

A hummus, carrot, tomato, and lettuce sandwich on sprouted rye bread, and a pink lady apple.

I believe that was the first time I have ever tried a pink lady apple. It was good, but the skin was slightly tougher than I like. It could have just been that particular apple though. The sandwich was really good. Its been forever since I've had rye bread, I had forgotten how much I like it!

Alright all, that's enough food obsessing for me for one day. Hopefully for next week WIAW I will come up with some much more exciting meals :-)

Not an Intro...

I guess I've been neglecting to make this first post for a while now. its overwhelmong trying to decide what is important to put in your introduction, and what I should just leave out. I feel like a lot of times the intructory post is the defining post of the blog. It kind of dictates the direction in which your future posts are going to go. Thats what I'm afraid of. I don't want to feel limited by what information I have provided in an introduction. and for this reason I am not going to introduce myself. I am just going to jump right into blogging with the eedom to blog about whatever the heck I feel like at the moment. Maybe one day i'll put together an about me post.

But anyways, today I finally got a long over due haircut. I have not had a hair cut since last March, and this picture really does not do the dreadful condition of which my hair was in justice....


It doesn't look so bad in the pic, but it truly did look awful. But low and behold...


I absolutely love it. Its just long enough where I can pull it back if I need to (and I most likely will), but short enough that it is different. I also got side bangs for the first time. I mean they're barely bangs, but I got them long just to like try them out. Anyways, don't want to bore you all. I will try to think of interesting topics to post on. =)